


Does Voldemort Even Lift, Bro?

by zugrian



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Marvel (Comics)
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Treated Seriously, Explicit Language, F/M, Fitness Buff Harry, Humor, Mentor Minerva McGonagall, Mentor Thanos, Non-Graphic Violence, Parody, Stoner Albus Dumbledore
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:48:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 64,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27241453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zugrian/pseuds/zugrian
Summary: Taking the cliche/trope of Harry Potter working out to its logical and completely ridiculous endgame.  Now it's time to meet Beefcake Harry, Dudebro supreme. Also, starring his mentor... a great big buff guy named Thanos. And stoner Dumbledore, because why not?
Relationships: Minerva McGonagall & Harry Potter, Padma Patil/Harry Potter, Parvati Patil/Harry Potter
Comments: 23
Kudos: 56





	1. Prologue-- Beefcake Harry's Childhood

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter series, yada yada. Same for Marvel and stuff.
> 
> Author's Note: Have you ever read one of those Harry Potter stories where the author decides to have him work out all the time, getting up before the crack of dawn so Harry can become big & tough & hot? Well this takes that premise and beats all of the subtlety out with a sledgehammer. So get ready for DudeBro jock Harry.
> 
> It also features Thanos because internet memes are a thing and I wanted to throw in some even dumber humor. Enjoy!

* * *

In most cases, the accidental magic a child creates ties directly into their personality and the way they were raised. For example, someone like Hermione Granger might summon a book she can't reach from a book shelf. Ron Weasley, on the other hand, might have his tongue heal itself when he ate the pie his mother had set out to cool, not wanting to share even one bite with his many siblings. How that glutton never got fat is a miracle in and of itself.

However, neither of them is the focus of this tale.

Enter one Harry Potter. Chosen by prophecy to save the world when no one else was willing to get off their lazy butts. The cosmos probably should have picked someone else. Since he was also fated to be the long awaited Master of Death, and a meddlesome, senile old fool decided to poke his nose in where it didn't belong, Harry ended up kidnapped from his godfather and left like a newspaper on the doorstep of his magic-hating relatives, the Dursleys.

Petunia Dursley was a nasty, vindictive bitch. And she was the best of them.

Vernon and Dudley were both big fat bullies. Therefore, Harry's magic reacted in a very different way to protect himself. He became something very different.

He became...

_**Beefcake Harry!** _

* * *

A growing boy needs food. When the Dursleys tried to neglect him, Harry's magic summoned their plates away from them and held them in place, forced to watch as he ate seconds and thirds. It only took four hundred and sixty five times before they learned that lesson.

Harry got the biggest servings from then on.

When Dudley tried to bully Harry, to shove him around and treat him like a punching bag, Harry responded with the one thing all bullies understand- retaliate so hard that you beat it into their skulls. Knocking out half his baby teeth that first day walking home from school should have been enough for most people.

Dudley Dursley was both dumber and more stubborn than most people.

Two black eyes, a broken nose, a broken arm, and a trip to the emergency room for his smashed testicles finally got through his thick head. He would just try to bully the other kids instead.

Vernon took a few lessons of his own. He tried to discipline Harry after his precious Dudders came home with a handful of teeth that weren't ready to come out on their own. He got his belt off and was ready to whip the boy when he found out the hard way why that was a bad idea.

Not only did his pants fall down to his ankles, revealing his stretched out tighty whities, but as he tripped and began to fall, the belt flew out of his hand and wrapped itself around his throat. The belt choked him the more he struggled until he looked up at his horrifying nephew. Harry popped his knuckles with a smirk.

"Nice undies."

They were more brown and yellow than they had ever been before.

It only took a baker's dozen more times to get through to Vernon that even looking wrong at Harry Potter was a very bad idea.

* * *

As for Vernon's disgusting sister, Marge the bitch from hell, she came to visit for the first time in a few years just after Harry had turned six. She hadn't had a chance to learn any lessons yet, and that was to be her downfall.

She opened her fat gob one too many times (that would be just the once, actually) to try to insult Harry's parents. It led to explosive results.

The Little Whinging police department had to call in Scotland Yard to investigate. One of the bobbies had heard of the supposed phenomena called Spontaneous Combustion, but Spontaneously Blowing Up was something else entirely. How could a woman turn into a bomb?

And oh my god, the smell was awful. There were Marge guts and blood all over the Dursley family living room.

Except for where her little awful beast of a dog had eaten them. Ripper died of food poisoning, and the world was a much better place.

* * *

You would think that all of this would lead to Albus Dumbledore possibly checking on Harry Potter for the first time, but you must remember that Cinderella had to toil in obscurity for years. And the magical world was almost exclusively populated with crazy people.

Plus, Albus was a huge pothead, which explains why he was always so mellow. Not even Snape could harsh his buzz, which is why he didn't understand all the people that complained about the Potions Master.

Albus was still hoping he could get a piece of that bad boy ass too. After his failures with Gellert and Tom, it was clear that the old man had a type. While Severus hadn't succumbed to his charms yet, he had seen the Light, and Dumbledore took it as a sign that someday he would win the affections of the greasy brooder.

Brooding was so sexy, wasn't it?

* * *

Regardless of Albus Dumbledore's awful taste in men, life continued on in Surrey.

* * *

As Harry grew, the Dursleys did what they could to try to keep away from him. One day, Vernon heard of a gym that had opened up only a couple of miles away called Thicc Daddy's. The membership was somewhat expensive, but when he heard that it was open twenty-four hours a day, Vernon coughed up the money and Harry now had a place where he really felt like he belonged.

He was still only seven years old and not yet four feet tall, but he had the beginnings of a six pack and biceps that made people twice his age green with envy. Harry also met his first mentor.

He was kind of odd looking, with a purplish skin tone, but the ladies all flocked to him, calling him "Thicc Daddy." He was really big and strong though, which was all that mattered to Harry.

He did always wonder what type of name Thanos was though. It seemed kinda strange- what his uncle Vernon would probably call a 'dirty foreigner'- but Harry thought his accent sounded normal enough, kinda like an American movie actor. And far be it from him to discriminate against someone based on something as silly as skin color.

So for the next few years, Harry Potter ate like a horse and worked out almost daily. He was forced to take a few days off now and then, especially when his mentor told him that sometimes a man had to do other things to keep his perspective- and the fact that he had his arm around two of his 'honeys' told Harry all that he needed to know, it was something about girls that Thanos would explain to him when he was a bit older.

The Thicc Daddy had needs, and Harry would too someday.

* * *

The girls at school and around the neighborhood started to flock to him. For one thing, Harry was the one person that Dudley's annoying little gang always stayed well clear of. But he also heard several of them talk about how dreamy his eyes were, and they really seemed to like to caress his arms for some reason.

Harry tried to take it in stride, so he emulated his hero and started walking around with a girl in each arm. A couple of them did object when he would put his hands on their bottoms, but that's what the honeys liked Thanos to do, so Harry didn't understand why the girls at school didn't like it. Maybe they just weren't honey material?

Harry also learned something interesting one day when he went to the zoo. He could talk to snakes. And while he didn't think they were really that interesting to talk to, a guest in science class brought in a python that scared most of the kids.

Harry asked his mentor about it, and he was told that most people feared things because they were cowards and sheep. It was the duty of people like Harry and himself to do the hard things because no one else would. That made sense to Harry. The Thicc Daddy's metaphor might have partially gotten lost in translation though, because while he could understand the idea of killing wolves to protect the flock, Harry wasn't sure that he liked the idea of having to shave his flock of sheep people.

(Years later, it would lead to an interesting kink that several girls enjoyed, especially as Harry had started learning parseltongue magic by then and the verbal component of the depilatory charm was simply awesome.)

* * *

Still, Harry asked his uncle nicely (only one punch to the kidneys) for a hundred pounds and he went off to the pet store to buy himself a snake. He found a couple that were alright looking but they seemed pretty lazy, and if there was one thing Harry couldn't stand it was laziness. But then there was this one with black and white bands that he saw was called a Malayan Krait.

It stood out to Harry in large part because it was hissing up a storm about how it couldn't wait for meal time because it wanted to gorge itself on a nice fat tasty mouse.

He wasn't into mice, per se, but Harry did like to eat a big fat steak whenever possible. Meat meant protein, and protein meant muscles.

He was sold, even as the pet store employee tried to warn the strangely bulky boy that it was venomous, but for some reason he let him buy it anyway.

It was a good thing a manager wasn't around, because it probably would have cost the poor guy his job.

Things went well for the next few months, as Harry's new pet (that he named Destro, after the coolest member of Cobra) took to terrorizing the neighborhood and destroying the ecosystem by eating everything smaller than a cat... and Mrs. Figg might have lost one of her many furballs as well.

Harry was continuing to work out while the end of primary school was in sight.

Something changed one morning in March though. As he got up, he felt strange, and he started noticing things he hadn't paid attention to before. The way the girls smiled at him made him feel funny. Instead of looking at the fitness magazines, he stopped one rack over to marvel at the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. And by the time he made it to the gym that day, his pants weren't fitting quite right.

Thankfully, he had someone he could ask about this sort of thing.

It was time for the talk about honeys.

* * *

Harry understood now. The next day at school, he paid a lot more attention to the girls that hung around him. He picked one out named Samantha that had been one of his friends for a couple of years now. She was one of the taller girls and she seemed less interested in some of the silly things that he didn't get about girls. Like, what was the deal with ponies? If Harry was going to ride a horse, it was going to be the biggest, baddest looking horse around.

And it certainly wouldn't have some cute little picture of a rainbow on its ass.

Anyway, Samantha, or Sammie as he sometimes called her, was all too happy to drag Harry off into a dark corner of the library during their lunch break and introduce him to something called 'frenching.'

Harry had always known his uncle was a moron, and so while he had never heard anything good about the French at home, he now knew that the French must be geniuses.

And Sammie became his number one honey for the rest of the year.

* * *

Before Harry knew it, summer had rolled around and it looked like Sammie was gone from his life. She lived kinda far away and was going to be starting at an all-girls secondary school.

So, that was a bummer.

And Destro picked the wrong time to make Harry angry. He was hissing one afternoon about how he hadn't had anything good to eat lately and that the birds wouldn't come down into his reach.

Harry, having his own issues with missing a bird, hissed back at him that he should "shut the hell up before he punched his stupid snake face in."

Destro was very confused. As a snake, he had no idea what punching was. Hell was also a completely foreign concept. But he knew stupid, and he got angry, so he bit Harry on the arm.

Very little venom got in though, as two of his teeth broke off on Harry's ridiculously beefy bicep.

Harry responded in one of the dumbest ways possible- he bit back. He learned that his teeth weren't really designed for devouring snakes, but the fight that developed was something that convinced the Dursleys even more that they had been right in avoiding Harry Potter as much as possible over the last few years.

Snakes can be hard to handle, especially when you're trying to grab one and smash it against a rock. But Harry was nothing if not persistent, so even though he got a few more bites, eventually he bashed Destro to death.

Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley were staring out the patio doors, but when Harry looked up at them, sweaty and disheveled with a limp snake in hand, they ran for the hills.

It would end up being the quietest dinner that night since the last time that Dudley had needed two of his teeth knocked out for bothering one of the honeys. Even a year before he had learned about frenching, Thanos had taught Harry the importance of taking good care of your honeys.

* * *

A week later, the letter from Hogwarts came. The Dursleys were far too terrified of Harry to attempt to lie to him. Plus, as Petunia suggested to Vernon when Harry had gone off to the gym, it was an opportunity for them to not have to be around the muscle-bound weirdo for most of the year. That clenched it.

Harry wondered what 'awaiting his owl' was supposed to mean. He shrugged it off- from what Petunia had said, the magical world was full of crazy people, so he assumed they would explain it some day. He set the letter aside and went back to doing crunches.

Several days and letters passed before a giant man banged on the door one Sunday.

"What do you want?" Harry grunted, needing to get past so that he could go on his morning run. It was what he always did when it wasn't leg day, and this huge guy was blocking his way.

"Blimey, Harry! What's the hurry? I've come to tell yer all about Hogwarts!"

"It will have to wait. I've got to do five kilometers before breakfast."

"What! Who is making yeh run like that?"

"I am. Gotta work hard to be hard, don't you know that bro? As big as you are, I'd think you'd understand."

"Huh?"

"Look, I'll be back in a flash, but I don't have time to waste explaining things to you, dude." Harry pushed past Hagrid more easily than he expected, but the half-giant was so befuddled that he could do nothing but look on for a moment as the boy-who-lived ran off into the distance.

"Harry, wait!" Hagrid tried to rush after him. The booming footsteps rattled windows of the houses he passed. His much larger strides should have allowed him to keep up the pace, but Hagrid hadn't needed to run fast for more than a mile at most in years. He was still trying to catch his breath when Harry came looping back around.

He offered to take Harry out to breakfast though, and he agreed so long as he could have seconds. He was still a growing boy, after all.

A very odd conversation then took place as Hagrid filled in all sorts of backstory that might have been important if not for Harry spotting Sammie eating with her family nearby. Throwing her a wink, Harry excused himself from the table and headed to the restrooms just when she did.

"Harry! Who's the huge guy?"

"Eh," he shrugged. "Some fancy school has offered me a place there. I guess my parents went or something. But we've got something more important to talk about."

"What's-"

She was cut off by a couple of ridiculously strong arms thrown around her, pulling her close, and a tongue that she had personally trained. They spent a minute pressed up against the wall and furiously snogging until Sammie's mum came over and saw what was happening.

"I'll miss you, Harry!"

* * *

The trip to Diagon Alley probably would have blown a normal guy's mind, but Harry was still thinking about Sammie as he wandered around barely paying attention to Hagrid pointing out this or that.

Going off to this wizard school meant he was going to have to get some new honeys.

The bank did get his attention though.

"I'm rich?"

"Yeh didn't think yer parents wouldn't have left yeh something, Harry? Course they did. Yer the last of an old family."

It was a huge pile of coins and that meant that Harry then was much more interested in his shopping trip.

Not so much for the school supplies, but what he realized he was going to have to do on his own time. The lack of access to his gym was going to be a huge problem. Thankfully, he found in one shop that they had several better models of magical trunks compared to the typical one that Hagrid tried to foist off on Harry.

Fuck that!

He got one with five enlarged compartments and charmed to be able to hold as much as he wanted without any problems. Harry was going to have to talk to the Thicc Daddy Thanos about getting a good set of weights to take with him.

Meanwhile, Hagrid bought him an owl as a birthday present. It was a female snowy owl.

Harry couldn't think of any good names for an owl.

He was still puzzling over this when he got back to the Dursleys. If they hadn't been cowed into leaving him the hell alone, Petunia certainly would have screeched about having a pet in her home. Instead they merely stood silent as he went up the stairs.

"What will we name you, girl?"

"Prek!"

"Prek? I don't think that's a name. I wouldn't want to call a dog arf, you know?" The owl nodded along, so Harry took that as a yes. "i don't know of any good owl names. But, maybe...

"There was this show about the Muppets, and they didn't have an owl, but they had an Eagle named Sam, and..." Harry looked the owl over very keenly. "My mentor always says that guys only get mushy about their honeys, and even then only in private, right? So keep this to yourself, or we'll have problems."

"Prek," the bird nodded, so Harry continued.

"Right, well the thing is, there is this one bird and she's been my best honey yet. I don't know if I'll see her again, and her name is Sammie, so I was thinking I could call you that. Alright?"

"Prek!"

From then on, Harry took it for granted that he and his newly-dubbed Sammie could communicate. And since she was a girl, that meant it was okay to talk about mushy things, so she would have to be his confidant while he was away from the real world.

* * *

The next day, the Thicc Daddy asked Harry where he had been the day before. It wasn't like the boy to miss a day of exercise.

Harry hadn't been paying that much attention to all the nonsense about keeping magic a secret, so he told Thanos all about this wizard school he was going to have to attend and how worried he was about not being able to work out properly. Maybe even for months at a time.

"Come with me. Honeys, I've got to teach Harry a few things," Thanos said as he stood and the gaggle of girls parted while Harry followed along to his office. Once the door was closed, he opened up a safe and pulled out this huge glove with a glowing red stone in the back of it. "Cool, huh?"

"Yeah."

"This is the Power Stone, Harry. There are some others, but this one is the most important. Right? What's better than Power?"

"Using it to smash your enemies?"

"There is that, little dude. It's good for pulling the honeys too. But regardless, Power is important. Now, there's a point to this Harry. You're going to learn some new things at this school, but you were my student first, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then here's a very important lesson. Wizards are pussies."

"Really?"

"Someone that can use magic to do anything is almost always lazy."

"Lazy people suck."

"Exactly. They had this one skinny albino fuck that thought he was hot shit a few years ago. He was the same loser who killed your parents. And then do you know what happened? He cast the supposedly-unblockable killing curse at you and it just bounced off. Left that wicked scar too."

"And chicks dig scars."

"Sure, but that wasn't the point. This pussy wizard couldn't even kill you as a baby. He was supposed to be the biggest baddest dark lord ever, and he got beat by a baby's forehead. What does that tell you about wizards?"

"That they're pussies."

"That's my boy." Thanos' enormous hand covered Harry's head and mussed his hair so hard that his neck started to hurt. "Now then, it's far too important for you to keep up your training, so we can't just let you go off without any workout equipment."

"I got this magical trunk that I can put a bunch of stuff in, but I'll probably need to shrink whatever I take down so it will fit inside."

"Bring it over tomorrow, then. I'm not a wizard, but I've got Power on my side. We'll get you all set up before you go."


	2. Year 1-- Teeth Are a Privilege

* * *

Harry looked over the people gathered around the bright red train, searching for a honey or two so he could start this whole magical world thing off the right way.

He was wearing jeans, a brand new set of cross trainers, and a muscle tee to show off the guns. According to Thanos, it was important to make a strong first impression. Honeys would be drawn to him, naturally, and the weak ass wizards would instinctively know to stay away from the biggest dog in the yard.

Sometimes, Harry didn't understand all the metaphors, but he tried to remember them anyway. And from what he had seen so far, he doubted that there were even any other medium sized dogs in the yard. The wizards he saw tended to be either slim or chubby, and there was very little definition anywhere in sight.

On the other hand, there were some very nice-looking girls, so Harry watched the crowd with a grin. He had a lot of choices for honeys. His eyes eventually caught sight of an Indian family saying their goodbyes to their identical twin daughters.

One of the many things he had learned from the Thicc Daddy was that there was nothing better than twins. Harry wasn't going to question his mentor, especially not with such pretty evidence standing right in front of him.

The girls had a trolley with two large trunks and their father was just wondering if he should assist his daughters to get them onto the train when Harry decided to introduce himself.

"I can help if you'd like."

There was a wide variety in expressions on the faces of the people who turned to look at him. The father was both surprised and wary of the young man; the mother obviously disapproved of his outfit but smiled anyway at his face for some reason. He was so used to people looking at the lightning bolt on his forehead that it barely registered to him.

The girls though _definitely_ liked getting to see the gun show. They were pretty too, so Harry was checking them out at the same time. Both were slender with very long black hair and he thought they looked like perfect honey material. He had learned that it was pretty awesome to walk around with a pretty girl under each arm, so he figured that it would be even better if they were a matching set.

"I'm Harry," he said, extending a hand towards them. The girl on his left reacted first.

"I'm Parvati," she replied.

He took her hand and kissed the back of it. "It's my great pleasure to meet such a lovely young woman."

That was one of the last lessons Thanos had taught him before the end of summer- it was time to start calling them young women or young ladies instead of girls. He had been told that his hormones would thank him in the long run.

She giggled and nudged her sister in the side.

"I'm Padma."

He kissed her hand as well. "It's definitely my lucky day, Padma.

"Now, allow me."

The trunks did have lightening charms on them and almost always came with space expansion charms as well, but they were still pretty damn big. Yet Harry hefted one onto each shoulder like it was no big deal.

It was easily less than a hundred pounds, and he could bench press almost three hundred, so it really was no big deal to him.

He turned and headed for the train as their parents mouths' dropped open, while both girls gave them hurried goodbyes as they ran after Harry. Parvati caught up to him first and she led the way as they looked for an empty compartment.

It took a few minutes, which she apologized for, checking several times to make sure he wasn't getting tired of carrying all that weight. Harry hid his smile as she openly leered at his arms and shoulders. That was the reason he wore a muscle tee after all.

Once they found a place to sit, he carefully stowed both of their trunks as well as pulling his own out of his pocket and unshrinking it. He wasn't super impressed by magic yet, but there were several really handy charms that he had found.

Both girls sat together on one of the bench seats and when he looked down with a raised eyebrow, they slid apart, making room for him to sit with them.

"So, ladies, I couldn't help but notice that the two of you were speaking another language with your parents. What's it called?"

"Hindi," Parvati answered with a smile. "Most of our family still lives in India, and we've been there on trips many times."

"Cool." Harry turned to her. "Do you think you could teach it to me?"

"We could try."

"I'll make you a deal. If you teach me Hindi, I'll teach you frenching."

"I think you mean French," Padma said.

Harry winked at Parvati and took her into his arms. She became a very pleased witch over the next ninety seconds.

"I meant what I said," he replied, letting the breathless girl go as he turned back to her sister. "Your turn, my dear."

"Ooh la la!"

* * *

The rest of the trip wasn't too memorable until this group of chumps came by to interrupt Harry's honey time. Padma seemed to be slightly more reserved than her sister, but both girls were happily giving and receiving lessons about all of the various tongues they spoke. In fact, Padma had suggested that she just wasn't as smart as her sister and required more help learning the proper way to do things.

Parvati had been annoyed by that and had proceeded to teach herself (through lots and lots of experimentation) how to give him a hickey. Harry thought that was pretty cool, so he returned the favor... and of course, Padma didn't want to be left out, so they all had love marks on their throats and both girls were happily curled up against him when the door was flung open.

"They're saying that Harry Potter is on the train. I don't suppose any of you have seen him."

Harry turned to glare at the three boys in the doorway. The two in back were at least of a decent size, although both looked more soft than anything. The little pale blonde that was running his yap reminded Harry of one of those annoying tiny dogs that he'd seen old women dragging around the neighborhood.

He grumbled as he stood up and made his way over to the intruders.

There was a great contrast once he looked down at this runt calling himself Draco Malfoy.

Harry. 5'1. One hundred forty six pounds of rippling muscles. Seventeen inch biceps.

Draco. 4'8. Less than eighty pounds soaking wet. Had no idea what biceps were.

The smaller boy started talking again, something about he could be of great help to Harry, how he knew 'the right kind' and his sneer over at the girls was not at all appreciated.

Harry punched him in the mouth and he staggered back into the two lumps behind him.

Blood was pouring out of his mouth and Harry bent down to pick up the two front teeth he had knocked out.

"Let's get a couple of things straight, you little wimp. Teeth," he waved the offenders right in front of the three boys, "are a privilege. You lost that privilege when you made a crack about my honeys. I catch you looking at them again with your beady little eyes, and you might lose the privilege of sight too. Now get out of here before I have to teach you any other lessons."

Harry reached over to put the teeth into the front pocket of Malfoy's shirt and dismissed him as he closed the door.

"Is your hand alright?" Parvati asked as she had a handkerchief that she dabbed at his knuckles.

"It's fine. I've had to knock the teeth out of much bigger brats than that before."

She sighed and made a show of kissing it better anyway. Harry laughed and snogged her for a minute before Padma gave out an irritated little cough.

"So, we're your 'honeys' now?" she raised an eyebrow and gave him a little glare, but Harry just grinned at her.

"Of course. You're too sweet and yummy to be called something else."

"I'm feeling a little sticky too," Parvati added with a giggle. "Don't act like you don't want to be one of Harry's honeys, sis."

"Parvati, we're supposed to play hard to get," she hissed at her sister. "That's what you kept telling me when you read all those silly magazine articles."

"Not when it's Harry Potter snogging our lights out, Padma."

He took that opportunity to remind Padma that there were much better games to play, and as her hands played with his hair while she devoured his lips, any other doubts or objections were over.

* * *

There was only room for two of them to sit next to each other on the boat ride to the castle, so Parvati sat in Harry's lap, her arms around his neck while she grinned at her pouting sister, who mumbled about how she wished she had thought of that.

They did have a couple of issues when they got inside though, as a middle aged teacher peered down at the blatant love marks on their necks. She tutted, but Harry just smiled and pulled each of his honeys a little closer. There were a number of sighs from some of the other girls.

The much bigger problem came when Padma was sorted into Ravenclaw and Parvati went to Gryffindor. Padma's face fell when Harry joined her sister. He gave her a smile and a wink though, so she tried to cheer up.

Once the meal was finished, he rushed over to the Ravenclaws and pulled her in for one more 'frenching' lesson before she left with her dorm mates. Padma had a grin on her face the rest of the night, even as she fell asleep.

Parvati clung to Harry's arm as they made their way through the castle and up to Gryffindor tower. By the time they separated and went to bed, she too had a smile that wouldn't quit.

* * *

Now, some people like to get up and exercise first thing in the morning. In fact, some are so dedicated to fitness, they wake before dawn, rolling out of bed at five to work out for a couple of hours before breakfast.

Harry liked to call those people _amateurs_.

He woke up every day at two thirty, and then he climbed down into the fourth compartment of his trunk that Thanos had helped him set up with a full set of weights and a dozen different pieces of exercise equipment. He could do four hours easily every day, and by the time the other boys were waking, Harry was already finished with his shower and waiting for Parvati to escort her to breakfast.

They took to splitting their meals between the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw tables. They only had Defense, Charms, and Astronomy with Padma otherwise, and Harry wasn't going to miss out on spending time with one of his honeys just because of the stupid school they went to.

* * *

The first Potions lesson became a mess almost as soon as it began. This greasy, sleazy fuck named Snape started trying to talk a bunch of shit about Harry. Yeah, like he was going to put up with any of that bull, especially from some douchebag who clearly enjoyed bullying children almost as much as he loathed the idea of washing his hair.

Harry jumped up and made it to the desk of this supposed teacher as the petty little man started saying some more bullshit- something about taking points- and Harry grabbed the back of his head and slammed him face first into the desk. There was a nice satisfying crunch as his monstrously huge hooked beak of a nose got smashed in.

"I don't know a lot of Potions yet, but I can teach you all a lesson. Little bitch Malfoy already knows it, but sleazebag here still needs to learn."

Harry had looked through his books for interesting spells. Sadly, there was a lot of nonsense like turning kittens into coasters, or turning turtles into teapots, but he did find a nice little spell that transfigured your fist into stone. He waved his wand at his left hand and, with a left hook, proceeded to send several teeth flying.

"Teeth are a privilege."

There was 'no foolish wand waving' in Potions, so by the time Snape thought to try to pull his wand out, Harry easily snatched it away from him and snapped it between two fingers. That, of all things, was what made the ugly bastard start to cry.

'Jeez, wizards really are pussies,' Harry thought to himself.

* * *

Harry later had a meeting with his head of house, a very stern old witch named McGonagall. He felt bad for her- her lips were always tight and he bet she hadn't been anybody's honey for far too long. That could explain why she wasn't happier. His girls always seemed to have smiles on their faces.

She was giving him some lecture about not assaulting teachers and Harry eventually just had to cut her off.

"Look, I won't punch anybody that doesn't deserve it."

"Mr. Potter!"

"That greaseball started insulting me. I don't know much about the magical world, but in the normal world, teachers aren't allowed to do that. Then he said something about how I was just as arrogant as my dad. Obviously, I don't know anything about that- you know, what with being an orphan and all. Hell, I don't even know what the previous Mr. Potter's name was."

"You... you don't?" For some reason, that seemed to really upset the professor. It looked like there was even a tear in her eye. "His name was James, James Potter. He was quite the little rascal, but he was an excellent student of mine."

"Oh. I never knew that."

"That's why your middle name is James."

"It is?"

"You didn't know that either?"

"My relatives didn't want much to do with me," Harry shrugged.

"I was surprised by your appearance when you first turned up. Your parents were much more... _slender_."

"The Dursleys would probably like it if I were too. They tried to not feed me enough when I was younger. For some reason, every time they tried, they would get frozen in place, and their plates would float over in front of me. It was really weird. Now I know it was accidental magic. I used to wonder if I had like a guardian angel or something."

"But how did you get so... large?"

"Hard work. Lifting weights, cardio- you know, the usual stuff."

"Cardio?"

"Yeah, running, jumping rope, stuff like that."

"I see." Professor McGonagall's face didn't look like she really did, but Harry had to fight down a grin. She had forgotten all about the lecture. He was dismissed in time for lunch.

Maybe she wasn't so bad after all. Harry decided that he would start calling her McG from then on. It was a lot shorter for one thing, but it also made her sound cooler. And he hoped that it would get her to loosen up a bit. If only he knew an older dude that could have her be his honey. She'd probably like that.

* * *

There was a flying lesson soon, and that was something that Harry really was looking forward to. It sounded way cooler than any of the spells they had learned so far, even if brooms were maybe a bit silly.

Padma was talking about how they had a flying carpet back at their home in India that their family used to ride and Harry was disappointed to learn that they weren't legal in England.

Now, he also had this classmate named Longbottom and Harry felt bad for the little dweeb. He was chubby and shy, plus he had a bit of a stutter, especially when he was nervous. And it seemed like he was always nervous.

But trying to learn how to fly made that even worse.

Harry had no problem calling the broom up to him; it jumped right into the palm of his hand. His girls on either side looked at him and he smirked.

"She just needed a firm hand."

"I think you need a firm hand sometimes, Harry," Parvati replied. She started to scowl and practically yelled out, "Up!"

The broom leapt up to her as well and then she grinned at him.

"You can take a firm hand to my broomstick any time."

Parvati blushed and Padma snorted before calling her broom up as well. "You should probably keep your _broomstick_ to yourself while we're in class, Harry."

Sadly, the flirting and innuendo was cut short when Longbottom shot into the air, clearly unable to control his broom.

"Poor kid," Harry muttered. He wondered what type of cruel god would have given him a name so perfect for making crude remarks? That little albino rat kid had already started calling him Fatbottom.

A moment later there was a crash and the teacher was taking him away to get a broken arm fixed.

Then the rich wimp grabbed some glass globe thing and started talking a bunch of shit. Harry had to sigh. Apparently, the healer lady here could fix broken teeth and Malfoy needed another lesson.

Harry took to the sky chasing after him, only for the wimp to panic and toss the glass thingy away. Harry sped off on his broom and caught it just as he smashed into the brick wall of one of the towers.

He missed out on the look of shock on McG's face as he merely rolled his shoulders and flew back down.

"Hey you little bitch!" Harry bellowed as he landed. "I guess you need a reminder."

"What?" Malfoy asked just before a fist crashed into his face again.

"Since it looks like we won't be learning much more about flying today, let me instead teach everyone a lesson in case you haven't learned it yet." Harry reached down, and sure enough, there were the same two front teeth he had knocked out just a couple of weeks prior lying in the grass next to the crying boy. "The lesson is:

" _Teeth are a privilege!_ " The Gryffindors all yelled out along with him. Padma and a few Slytherins did as well. Harry noticed that the two bigger boys that usually kept Malfoy on a leash said it too.

Harry had thought they were pretty dense, but apparently they could figure at least this one thing out.

"Mr. Potter, what is going on here?"

McG looked very upset. Harry wondered if maybe the little Charms dude could help mellow her out.

* * *

Now, the funny thing was, McG took him (and his honeys, of course) off to meet this older kid who told him all about quidditch. Apparently Harry was nominated to become the new Gryffindor seeker.

Normally, the seeker is one of the smaller players, as speed helps more than size or strength. Harry shrugged that off- he guessed that would mean he might be able to throw his weight around against any lighter opponents.

Parvati and Padma watched his first practice and cheered whenever Harry would catch the snitch or perform some fancy maneuver on his brand new broom.

Quidditch was pretty fun so far, but his mind went to something much more important- how he definitely needed to get the girls into cheerleader uniforms. On TV, the cool jocks always had the hot cheerleaders as their girlfriends. That was something that Harry was going to have to emulate.

* * *

A week or so before he could get to his first match though, they had the Halloween feast to look forward to. Harry was bummed when the meal was interrupted by the stuttering spaz that was supposed to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts, who came running in and screaming like his hair was on fire.

Assuming he had hair under that turban thing.

Anyway, there was apparently a troll loose in the dungeons. Harry was tempted to go down there and see what the big deal was, but most of the students started freaking out. Once Dumbledore got things sort of under control, they were all supposed to return to their dormitories while the teachers handled it.

Harry saw a couple of problems with this. First of all, he hadn't seen much yet that suggested most of the teachers could handle anything more dangerous than a puppy. Exhibit A was lying face down passed out on the floor, despite the screaming.

There was also the fact that the Slytherins lived down in the dungeons.

But that's when it hit Harry. Dumbledore had been a Gryffindor. They had hated Slytherins forever because the Slytherins were all evil- although Harry had at most seen them as annoying so far.

Maybe the headmaster was trying to get rid of some of the little trouble makers before they turned into full fledged Dark Wizards?

That was way sneakier than Harry had thought the old man could possibly be.

* * *

Meanwhile, Albus was hoping that he could talk Minerva and Severus into dealing with this troll business so he could stay behind and have another couple of slices of pumpkin pie.

That last joint he smoked had been filled with some truly kind bud.

And now he had a wicked case of the munchies.

* * *

"Harry!"

"What?" He turned to look at who was yelling at him- it was Parvati's friend Lavender. She was cute enough, but Harry wasn't sure if she was honey material yet. The girl just talked so damn much about clothes.

"Hermione doesn't know about the troll!"

"Oh, right."

She and Parvati had told him earlier that the little teacher's pet Granger had been crying all day because that one ginger kid said she was a nightmare.

Not very nice- but, you know, kinda true.

"Let's go then," he said as he stood up, his hand out to help Parvati to her feet. "You'll have to lead me there."

"Weren't you paying attention earlier?" she asked.

"Believe it or not, I don't know where all the girls' bathrooms are. For some reason, learning that hasn't been a priority for me."

"What if the troll comes out of the dungeons?" Lavender fretted, chewing on a piece of her hair.

"Then you should probably stay behind me."

"Come on Lav, it will be okay. My big strong boyfriend will protect us." Parvati pulled her friend along with them.

The girls hurried as they led him down a corridor and opened a door into a girls bathroom. Harry started to wait outside, but Parvati was holding tight onto his arm, so he let her pull him inside too.

Lavender was talking to Granger, who was apparently still crying based on the sniffling sounds. Hadn't it been like four hours ago? Who could cry that long without getting dehydrated? That was also on top of skipping dinner because of some little bratty kid insulting her. He shook his head- the girl clearly needed to toughen up. Harry thought he would need to take Granger down to the kitchens after this just so she wouldn't keel over. He might suggest that she learn a bit about learning to defend herself against jerks too.

A roar broke his concentration, and Harry turned to see the door turn into splinters as this huge ugly dude came barreling into the bathroom holding a club that looked like a tree trunk in one meaty hand. It brought a smile to his face as he bellowed right back and ran straight at the thing.

Now, trolls aren't known for their intelligence, but almost any creature tends to be surprised when what they think is prey turns around and decides to fight back. So it's hesitation was sort of understandable, but it soon cost it a mouth full of pain.

Fighting fair was something that Harry had never really learned, and his mentor had always told him that the most important part of a fight was winning- style points were only a bonus. Therefore, he began with a jab straight to the groin that forced the creature to lean over. Even with that, Harry was glad that he had never skipped leg day because it still took a pretty good sized jump to be able to reach the face of the big ugly dude.

Then came the all too familiar yet always satisfying sensation of sending his foe's teeth flying. Harry followed it up with a left hook and then a chop to the throat. Windpipes were always a good weak spot to aim for- another lesson he'd learned from Thanos- and the creature grabbed at its neck, struggling to breathe.

It took him a bit of effort, but Harry decided to finish things off by grabbing the club that had been dropped. It was almost as big as he was, but he was able to lift it without too much trouble. He took a couple of practice swings to adjust to the weight while the creature was still gasping and then smashed it over the head.

The wood cracked loudly and the troll collapsed to the floor, unconscious.

With that taken care of, Harry turned to his audience of girls. Granger and Lavender had both been screaming, and he was a little surprised by the set of lungs on the bookworm, but they both now stopped and stared at him. Parvati had this huge grin and she bounced over to him, threw her arms over his shoulders and pulled Harry down for a kiss.

"My hero," she exhaled with a smile once her lips were no longer busy with anything else.

"I wouldn't let anything that dumb and ugly bother one of my honeys, now would I?"

That was when McG showed up with the greasy sleaze and the stuttering spaz. Apparently, she had bothered with waking the wimp up for some reason.

"What is going on here?" she almost yelled.

"Granger wasn't at the feast, which Parvati and Lavender pointed out to me, so they led me here so we could warn her about the troll and take her back to the tower with us," Harry explained. "I thought it was supposed to be in the dungeons, though. This is the second floor."

"And why weren't you at the feast, miss Granger?" McG turned to the girl who started stuttering, trying to find an answer.

"Eh, that one ginger kid insulted her after Charms," Harry shrugged. "I guess she was upset."

"Are you speaking of Ronald Weasley?"

"I don't know his name."

"Yes, professor, Ron was being horribly rude," Parvati clarified. "Then again, he's always being horribly rude. Have you seen how he eats? It's disgusting. He's going to give Gryffindor a bad reputation."

"I see." McG frowned for a moment. "That doesn't explain what happened to the troll."

"That's a troll, huh?" Harry scratched his head. "I thought they would be bigger. Well, it smashed in the door and I couldn't just let it hurt one of my honeys, now could I? So, I smashed him before he could smash any of us."

"You 'smashed him' how exactly?" greasy sneered.

"Are you asking for a demonstration?" Harry replied with a smirk.

"Just explain yourself please," McG said. "Actually, miss Patil, can you please tell me exactly what mister Potter did?"

"It was amazing!" she began with a huge smile. "The troll let out this terrible roar, but Harry just yelled right back at it and then ran towards the thing. He hit it several times, it was so fast it was like he was a blur, and when the troll dropped that big club thing, Harry picked it up and bashed it over the head. He was so brave. He's my hero."

She sighed and Harry wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "A man's gotta take good care of his honeys."

"Padma's going to be so jealous," Parvati giggled.

"I see," McG straightened up. "Fifty points to Gryffindor for such gallant behavior, mister Potter. I trust you can see the young ladies back to Gryffindor while we clean up this mess?"

"Of course," he smiled and led them out into the hallway.

"I saw it, and I still can't believe it," Lavender said with a stunned look on her face. "How did you do that, Harry?"

"These muscles aren't just for show."

"But they _are_ a nice show," Parvati grinned as she walked arm in arm with her boyfriend. "I never see you exercise though."

"I get up early," he shrugged.

"Can I come watch some time?"

"Sure. I'll tell you what, I'll show you and Padma some of how I work out this weekend."

"Can I come too?" Lavender asked with a blush.

"If you want."

They made it to the set of stairs leading up to the Gryffindor tower before Granger broke out of her shock. "They gave you points!"

"Huh?" Harry stopped and turned to look at the previously quiet girl.

"Fifty points, and it wasn't even magic! All you did was act like... like some sort of brutal ruffian. Fighting is against the rules. You should have lost points if anything. I don't understand."

"Would you prefer if he had let the troll kill you, Granger?" Parvati hissed. "Don't you go complaining about my boyfriend saving your life."

"Brutal ruffian," Harry snorted. "I think I like that."

"Of course you would," Granger scowled. "You've been in several fights, and from what I've heard, you seem to get away with it every single time."

"If you try to get Harry in trouble for saving you, I swear, I'll hex you into next week!"

Harry grinned as Parvati defended his... his honor? Well, something like that anyway. It was cute. Unnecessary, but cute.

"Don't let her trouble you, my sweet little honey," he said as he kissed her softly on the neck which instantly made her melt against his side. He'd found out that Parvati really liked that for some reason. "One day she'll understand the way the world works. I guess that's one lesson she hasn't learned yet."

"You, you... argh!"

Granger growled out the password and disappeared into the common room.

"I didn't know if I'd ever see Hermione at a loss for words," Lavender giggled. "I don't know what her problem is, but I hope she grows out of it. I, for one, am very glad you were there to protect us, Harry."

"You're welcome."

Harry missed the narrowed eyes Parvati shot at her best friend who was blatantly looking him over.

* * *

A week or so later came the first quidditch match. He looked himself over in the locker room as he first put on the game day uniform, as it felt really snug in the shoulders. Harry fixed that by using that handy-dandy cutting charm he had learned.

Sleeveless was a good look for him. Thanos had told him that you always take whatever chance you can to show off the guns. For example, his honeys had certainly enjoyed watching him work out, although that had been completely shirtless. Lavender had come along and he'd caught her actually drooling before she noticed and blushed like mad.

Parvati hadn't spoken to her new best friend for a full eight hours afterwards. She had glared and Lavender had pouted all throughout lunch and dinner. They'd made up before bed though.

Harry could only shake his head. Maybe he just didn't get girls.

But now it was time for him to put on a different type of show as he flew out onto the quidditch pitch and heard the roar of the crowd coming from the stands. He could get used to that sort of thing- adoration from the masses, yeah it was nice. He took a nice leisurely time around the pitch, giving all the girls in the audience a chance to check out his alteration to the uniform.

McG had frowned at him, trying to look stern when he got close, but he had seen her laughing at first. He didn't know why she tried to act like she didn't want to have fun like everybody else.

Unfortunately, the little Charms dude had sputtered when Harry had stayed behind after class to ask if he would be up for having McG as his honey. 'They were work colleagues and nothing more!' he had squeaked out. Harry had been disappointed, but he wasn't going to judge if the dude wasn't into the ladies.

He thought McG was pretty nice looking for an older gal. But she clearly needed someone to help let her hair down and relax. Unfortunately, the pickings were pretty slim at Hogwarts. Maybe he could try Hagrid?

He was a big, strong dude, so that was an obvious plus.

A loud whistle shook Harry from his thoughts just as Parvati and Padma yelled out his name. They were sitting together and cheering for him, which made him smile, so he flew off in search of the snitch.

The jerks in green played pretty dirty, but that was fine with Harry. When the opposing seeker tried smashing into him as they sped after the snitch, Harry responded with an elbow to the face that made him pull up to grab his probably-broken nose.

Harry laughed as he flew down and yanked the snitch out of the air.

Of course he had won. He was the hero of this story, so he flew over to the stands where his honeys were waiting for him.

Granger was sitting a couple of rows away, glaring at him. He'd tried to get her to call him a brutal ruffian again and she'd been muttering at him every time he did. Parvati had told him that she apparently thought he was making fun of her.

In truth, he was mostly trying to get her to lighten up. Six and a half more years of that was going to drive everyone in Gryffindor nuts if Granger couldn't learn to mellow out. She reminded him of McG in a way.

As much as he worried about the headmaster being secretly evil, Dumbledore had been a Gryffindor. And he had always seemed pretty happy and mellow. Maybe Harry should break down and ask him for advice.

* * *

Albus missed the quidditch match that afternoon. Fawkes had just gotten back from America with a shipment of peyote and the two of them were stoned out of their gourds. He was laying around in his underwear and contemplating the idea of what it would be like to live among the penguins during his next vacation.

Maybe he could name one of them Gunther.

* * *

Other than that, Harry's first term at Hogwarts was unremarkable.

He was a bit bummed when the girls went home for the Christmas holidays, but he decided to just put a little more effort into his workouts while they were gone. He could pretty easily bump it up to eleven or twelve hours a day without them there to distract him.

But his plans were thrown off when he woke up to find an Invisibility Cloak. Harry hesitated to call it a present, since it had belonged to his father, but the suggestion that he 'use it well' gave him all sorts of terrible ideas of what he could get up to.

He started off by sneaking into the restricted section of the library. Unfortunately, most of the books there weren't actually that interesting. There were a few books about the Dark Arts and how to counter a number of awful sounding curses, but actually learning those curses was not apparently available at the school.

Harry thought that sucked. He had known a few people that he'd have enjoyed seeing strangled by their own intestines. Primarily his uncle Vernon and that fat bitch Marge, but the greasy Potions bitch was trying to climb to the top of that list too.

When the books didn't keep his attention, he sneaked around looking for secret passages and generally looking for trouble for a couple of days. It turned out the old castle was just full of hiding spots, corridors that magically transported you halfway across the school in a few steps, old classrooms filled with all sorts of neat looking junk, and one particular room with this huge ass mirror.

Harry stepped in front of it and saw himself fully grown- shirtless (of course) with bulging muscles and older versions of his honeys on either side of him. A few athletic looking children were playing in the background.

He was so impressed with the vision that the sneaky old headmaster caught him and told him all about the Mirror of Erised. Harry lost interest pretty soon though, as the old dude had this voice that just made him want to doze off.

When his honeys got back from the holidays, he was unable to take them to see the mirror. Wily old Dumbledore had moved it apparently. What a cockblocker.

Instead, Harry just told them about his new cloak and all the fun they could have using it.

They all stayed out past curfew that first night and Harry had fun walking Padma back to the Ravenclaw tower. By the time he and Parvati had gotten back, it looked like the common room was empty.

"You were breaking the rules!" Granger hissed from the chair off to the side from the doorway. "We haven't even started up classes again, and you're already breaking the rules!"

"What can I say?" Harry shrugged. "It's just in my nature as a brutal ruffian."

"That's my big, strong, brutal ruffian," Parvati added as she kissed his cheek. "Were you waiting up for us then, Hermione? Maybe if you could keep your nose out of a book for a few minutes, you could find a boyfriend of your own."

"This is a school," she scolded. "I'm here to learn. I'm not here to find a boyfriend."

"You could do both, you know?" Harry replied. "I mean, you're not exactly honey material for me, but I'm sure there's some guy out there that would be interested. Probably a Ravenclaw. Actually, why aren't you in Ravenclaw, Granger?"

"Yeah, you study more than my sister."

"I... I'm telling on you both!"

She ran off up the stairs and Parvati sighed. "I hate to have to agree with Weasley, but she is a nightmare."

"Maybe she'll lighten up one of these days."

"You really think so?"

"I'm an optimistic kind of guy," Harry said with a grin. "Don't worry about tomorrow, I can handle McG."

"Only you would think our head of house needed a nickname," Parvati snorted. "I can't believe she lets you get away with it."

"I do call her Professor McG when we're in class."

* * *

McG did call him to her office the next day, but she crumbled almost immediately when Harry showed her the note- apparently the headmaster himself had been the one to regift him with his father's invisibility cloak according to McG, and with his approval, she could hardly punish Harry.

She said that last bit with a hint of mirth that made Harry smile. He was winning her over. One of these days, he'd even be able to get a full blown smile out of her.

That put him on his new quest, finding out if Hagrid thought McG would be good honey material.

* * *

The girls were a little uneasy around Hagrid at first. Harry could see why- the dude was pretty rough around the edges. Not just the edges either. But he seemed like a genuinely decent guy and Harry was determined about his objective.

Unfortunately, Hagrid said 'he jus' couldn't see Perfesser McGonagall like that.'

They'd known each other too long, apparently, and he'd already been working at Hogwarts when she was a student. Harry was surprised that he was older than McG, and he was even more depressed that the big dude didn't have a honey either. Compared to all the wimpy little wizard guys around there, Hagrid was by far the most manly. If anyone deserved a honey, it was him.

When they left his cottage that day, Padma asked, "Harry, what were you thinking? Hagrid would probably be dangerous for a normal woman."

"Oh come on, Hagrid's not that bad."

"Have you seen him? He's enormous! How do you think that would work? She'd need a step stool to try to kiss him!"

"Not to mention other things," Parvati said with a horrified look on her face even as she blushed. "I know you like him, but Hagrid would probably need to find someone like him if he's going to have a honey. Why are you so set on that anyway?"

"What do you mean someone like him?" Harry asked.

"Someone with giant blood," Padma replied. Harry's confused look prompted her to go on. "How do you think he got that big? He's more than ten feet tall, Harry, he must be part giant. Even in the magical world, normal wizards don't grow to be that tall."

"Oh."

"Besides, why do you think he and McGonagall would make a good couple?" Parvati giggled. "I really can't see that."

"I just want McG to be happy. And there's not that many other options around here. The little Charms dude already said no too."

"You asked Professor Flitwick?" Padma looked shocked. "Why can't you call him his name? Also, why haven't you tried asking someone of normal size if you believe that Professor McGonagall needs a man in her life?"

"You know, look at the other options. The greasy sleazebag in Slytherin? I want McG to be happy, not miserable. The stuttering wimp from Defense? Of course not. The cleaning dude is always scowling and way too obsessed with his cat. The guy that teaches about magical creatures is missing an arm and a leg. And the history teacher is a ghost. I don't think that would work, for obvious reasons."

"What about the headmaster?" Parvati asked. "It seems like they get along pretty well."

"I don't trust him," Harry muttered.

"Why not?"

He looked around for a moment, and since they hadn't yet reached the castle, he pulled them aside and made sure no one was nearby. "I think he might secretly be evil."

"Dumbledore!" Parvati yelped.

"That's crazy, Harry," Padma added. "Why on Earth would you think that?"

"Remember Halloween?"

"What about it?"

"Well, we were all safe in the Great Hall, and there was a troll roaming around the school. Why would he send all the students out when he could have just barred the door and made sure we stayed alive instead of sending us closer to danger? Plus, if it really was in the dungeons, as that wimpy dude screamed, that's maybe worse. The Slytherins live in the dungeons. Was he trying to get them all killed? You know, I'll admit that one little albino kid is pretty annoying, but I don't want to see a hundred people killed by a rampaging troll just to get rid of him. Some of the girls are pretty nice looking."

"Don't you have enough honeys?" Parvati asked with her eyes narrowed.

"It would be kind of funny to have one from Slytherin," Harry replied with a grin. "Can you imagine the look on the greaseball's face? I think I might give him an aneurysm."

"I'm not sure how we put up with you," Padma teased. "But we've been over this before. Malfoy isn't an albino. True albinos have red or pink eyes, and he isn't really that pale, at least not compared to all the other white English kids around here."

"Yeah, whatever. He's still an annoying little runt. He reminds me of those yappy little dogs that think they're ferocious when they're actually just a joke. Like anyone cares that his dad is rich. I bet he's a soft ponce just like his kid."

"Money makes a difference in a lot of ways," Padma lectured. "Our father has taught us a lot of lessons about that. Not as many as our brother, maybe, but we know how important it can be."

"Good thing I'm rich then," Harry smiled. "Wait a minute, you don't just like me for my money, do you?"

"Of course not," Parvati said as she leaned in close and kissed near his ear. "We just like you for your body."

She giggled and ran for the door.

"Well, that's okay then."

* * *

A few weeks later, Hagrid burnt down his cottage and nearly the Forbidden Forest as well when it was found that he'd somehow gotten hold of a dragon's egg. Harry had been worried about what had happened to him until he saw Dumbledore show up surprisingly lucid and fix everything. He'd had some stern words with his gamekeeper and sent him off on some sort of errand while the headmaster rebuilt his cottage.

After he returned, Hagrid also disappeared into the forest and didn't turn up again for nearly a week.

He spoke of some sort of shadowy monster that had been killing unicorns, but Dumbledore told him not to 'cause any unneeded worry or harsh his buzz' before pulling him aside and sending him on another errand.

Harry hid under his cloak that night and watched with horror as Hagrid returned with a package of some sort that he delivered directly to the headmaster. He'd heard mention of some place called Knockturn Alley, and when he asked his honeys about it, they told him that it was an offshoot from Diagon Alley that sold dark and dangerous items.

Harry knew he was right. Dumbledore was evil.

And somehow he was getting away with it right in plain sight!

* * *

Albus was humming happily when he made his way back to his quarters that evening. Hagrid was often getting into trouble, but he was so very useful. That dealer would be a fool to try to stiff Albus something something Dumbledore when he had enormous muscle like the half-giant around to make his problems go away.

He opened up the bag of truly righteous ganja and smiled as Fawkes lit the first joint.

The phoenix's singing got a bit off-key when he was stoned, but it still had a fun euphoric feeling even when Fawkes started going through the catalog of Otis Redding. Phoenix song could even turn soul and blues music into a happy time.

And people wondered why Dumbledore was always in such a good mood.

* * *

Quirinus Quirrell, or the stuttering spaz as he was known to Harry, had been having a bad year. He'd failed to get the Philosopher's Stone for his master while it was still with the goblins. Then he had wanted to try to curse that blasted Harry Potter, thinking that maybe a jinx on his broom would work during one of the quidditch matches.

Unfortunately, that plan ran into several problems. First of all, even with his master's help, he didn't all of a sudden master wandless magic, especially not for a spell he had never used before.

Plus, it turned out that brooms were enchanted to be specifically curse-resistant. The quidditch leagues had all demanded it more than a century prior when certain gamblers tried to make sure their bets won by doing just what Quirrell attempted that day.

Not to mention the fact that when he did discreetly pull his wand and silently aim a curse at Potter, he'd missed. Going sixty miles per hour tended to make moving targets very hard to hit. In fact, one of the Slytherin chasers had nearly been thrown from his broom when he zigged just as Potter had zagged.

And he thought that Snape might have been on to him as well. Severus had made it very clear that he had called dibs on trying to kill Potter. His master was impressed by Snape's determination and ability to hold a grudge against a man who had been dead for more than a decade, a man he had been partially responsible for killing no less. Not even Voldemort believed in passing the sins of the father onto the son.

So, with that idea out, he went back to his other plans for that year. Namely, feeding the Dark Lord unicorn blood and trying to get past Dumbledore's traps to steal the stone.

Unicorns lived in the wild though, and Quirrell was forced to forage in the woods for prey. He still shuddered at all the mud he'd brought in and had to take multiple baths afterwards.

Wizards weren't meant to trudge through the wilderness like that. That was the sort of thing you made your savage gamekeeper do for you. If only he had his own Hagrid, but Dumbledore had won his loyalty all those years ago when the Dark Lord had framed him for murder. If Voldemort had been planning ahead, he would have tried to recruit him instead.

Ah well... the folly of youth.

With the school year nearly at an end, Quirrell's time was running out in trying to gain possession of the stone. Getting the secret of the beast from Hagrid had been key, but on his third trip down there, the Dark Lord had realized that there was some sort of trick with that blasted mirror. He might need to use some sort of _'innocent'_ student to beat the trial of the mirror- that was the sort of thing he expected from Dumbledore, even if the old fool was delusional if he truly thought that children were ever that innocent.

By eleven, Tom had already killed five people, tortured a dozen others and would have been quite pleased to have an infinite source of life and wealth. From what he learned in his first year in Slytherin fifty some years prior, anyone with a brain would have wanted the limitless gold, no matter if they were still prepubescent.

On the other hand, if his plan didn't work and Dumbledore somehow stymied him once again, having a hostage could also be useful.

Thankfully, he had an idea of how to kill two birds with one stone.

* * *

It was a pleasant late spring day as Albus flew on his trusty old Comet one fifty broom that he'd gotten back in sixty seven during the summer of love. The muggles had been so much fun in San Francisco, and they'd had so many wonderful hallucinogens. That one chap with the mustache and the pecs... what was his name? Ah well, it had been but a brief affair. Unfortunately, the young man hadn't been nearly dark and broody enough to keep Albus' fancy for long. But it had been nice that he'd had a thing for older men with really long beards.

As it was, that was the second best thing of that summer. Lysergic acid diethylamide was certainly the greatest thing muggles had created in the twentieth century. Much better than cable television and so much more mind expanding. Why, that one time Albus could have sworn he and Fawkes had switched bodies! He'd tried to replicate that lovely trip, and while he was fairly certain he'd had other out of body experiences, Albus had never been able to find a way to have wings and burst into flame without having to visit Poppy afterwards. However, he wasn't done trying, no matter how many times she and Minerva had fussed at him for 'dangerous magical experimentation.' Pish, you'd think the old biddies didn't have anything better to do than nag at him.

If Albus had wanted that, he might have stayed in the closet and married some awful shrewish woman so that he could be properly miserable.

Being gay was so much better, obviously. The word even meant happy!

Now, he was supposedly needed at the ministry, something having to do with urgent matters of some sort of magical experiment gone wrong down in the Department of Mysteries, but he wasn't sure what they expected of him. Those Unspeakable fuddy duddies wouldn't let him play with any of their toys, but apparently, they still wanted him to clean up after their messes.

Bah!

Well, they could just wait for a few hours while he enjoyed the wind blowing through his hair.

* * *

"Where's Padma?" Harry asked as he and Parvati sat down for dinner.

"She was studying earlier in the library," her sister replied, passing him a plate full of roast beef and turning her nose up at it. Harry didn't mind that they wouldn't eat beef- that just meant there would be more for him, and unlike them, he was focusing on protein.

That didn't mean they didn't make fun of him though, calling him a savage at times. It made him smile. Between that and Granger's 'brutal ruffian' Harry was pleased that he'd picked up so many flattering terms of endearment.

"I'll need to help her relax then," Harry said with a serious look on his face. "We can't have one of my honeys stressing herself out over her exams."

"Yeah, Padma's always been too focused on that stuff," Parvati agreed. "That's why she's in Ravenclaw." She smirked before turning to Harry with mischief in her eyes. "If she had been more laid back like me, she could have been in Gryffindor with us. Clearly, it was her mistake."

"Yeah, Gryffindor is the best. Obviously. But Ravenclaw at least sounds pretty cool."

"Harry, you can be such a guy," Parvati snorted at him.

"And don't you forget it," he grinned. Harry looked up at the staff table and frowned. "Wait a minute- the headmaster isn't here!"

"So?"

"So, it would be just like him to kidnap one of my honeys for some nefarious scheme," Harry announced as several people turned to stare at him. He took another bite of meat and then stood up. "We have to go check the library for your sister."

"Harry, she was just studying. It's no big deal."

"I've been around her all year, and Padma might spend too much time in the library, but she's never skipped a meal before."

"I guess," Parvati answered with a frown.

"I saw her talking to Professor Quirrell earlier," Granger spoke up. "I believe she was asking him something about the Defense final that we have coming up."

"See, she probably just lost track of time" Parvati added.

"I'm not taking any chances." Harry shook his head and downed a glass of water- always hydrate before going to rescue your honey from an evil old man. "Are you coming with me?"

"Fine," Parvati huffed. "But I am going to be really mad at both of you if we don't make it back here in time to finish eating dinner."

Harry pulled her to her feet and led the way as they hurried off to the library. He didn't want to miss the rest of the meal either. Unfortunately when they got there, not only did the scowly-faced librarian give them her patented dirty look number twelve (aka 'shouldn't you little monsters be eating instead of disturbing my sanctum?') but they looked over the empty tables until they found Padma's bookbag and an unfinished essay for Transfiguration left behind, with no other sign of her.

Parvati started to take Harry's paranoia a little bit more seriously then.

They ran out of the library, ignoring the mean lady ordering them not to run, and Harry pulled out his wand.

" _Findus Myus Honeyus!_ "

Parvati looked at him with disbelief. "Harry, that can't be a real spell."

"Of course it is! It sounded kinda like Latin, what more do you want?"

"Come on, my sister could be in danger!"

"Fine, look there was a normal tracking spell that anyone could learn, but I wanted something a little more special for my girls. So, I went to the little Charms dude and he helped me come up with it. You know," Harry scratched his chin for a moment, "I think he was just glad that I wasn't there to bug him about McG anymore. But I got the message, dude's gay and that's fine with me."

"The spell, Harry!" Parvati shrieked.

"Look, it's already working," he replied, pointing to the glowing line that began to form.

"Then what are we waiting for?"

This time it was Parvati pulling him through the halls of the castle. She was really worried about her sister, although she still took the time to dismiss Harry's concern that the headmaster was secretly an evil mastermind. On they ran, up the stairs until they got to a certain door on the third floor, still flung wide open. At that point, Parvati froze.

Three enormous heads of a dog were staring at them.

"Cool!" Harry shouted.

"Cool?"

"Yeah, look, it's a cerberus. And it's even bigger than I thought it would be. Hagrid's been holding out on me. Look at this bad mamajama."

"Did it eat my sister?" Parvati screamed.

"Oh, no, no. Look." Harry pointed down to the floor. "There's no blood, plus there's that obvious trap door under its paw."

"How did you see that?" she asked.

"I mean, you do remember how I can spot a tiny golden ball from several hundred feet away in quidditch, right?"

"Just, argh!" Parvati turned to him and looked like she wanted to smack him for not focusing on the bigger picture. "How do we get past it to find my sister? I thought you were the one worried about Evil Dumbledore trying to kill her."

"Yeah, but it would be a lot more evil to make me suffer by killing her in front of me. Dumbledore's a devious old bastard like that. Oh, and as for how to get past Fluffy-"

"Fluffy!?"

Parvati really couldn't believe her insane boyfriend sometimes.

"Yeah, Hagrid's really bad at naming his pets," Harry chuckled. "Anyway, just sing."

"Sing?"

"Greek mythology, babe."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"Why don't you do it?" Parvati asked.

"Because you're way prettier than me, so I have to assume you also have a way prettier voice."

"That's so dumb, Harry," Parvati sighed. If he weren't so cute and ripped, there was no way she would put up with his nonsense. "Fine. _Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep, giant doggy. Please don't eat me, or my sister... or my crazy boyfriend too._ "

Fluffy started to drift off to the slightly unconventional lullaby while Harry shoved its paw aside and threw open the trap door.

He jumped down the hole and found this huge plant that tried to grab and constrict him. Now, Harry was still young and the internet far enough in the future, so thankfully he hadn't yet been exposed to tentacle porn hentai, but he wasn't going to let a stupid plant think it could do that to him and certainly not his honeys.

Thankfully, he remembered dealing with this thing back in magical gardening earlier in the year. And it wasn't stronger than him, so he just had to show it who was boss. Arm versus tentacle wrestling a viney plant is surprisingly easier than you might think.

It slunk back from him after a moment, and happily it was just in time as he heard Parvati begin to scream as she fell down the hole. Harry was there to catch her, of course, because he's just so cool like that.

"Hey babe."

Next, they came upon a room full of flying keys, a locked door, and an all too helpfully placed broom. Harry smelled a set up and knew that Dumbledore was just screwing with him now. He was going to punch the old man's lights out as soon as he found him.

He got on the broom, got the key and unlocked the door. Since he had the broom anyway, Harry pulled Parvati onto it behind him and they flew into the next room... where they found a giant chessboard. He looked over his shoulder at Parvati who just shrugged. They flew over the chessboard and came to another door.

Then they found another troll. Harry was pretty disappointed that someone had already knocked this one out. He decided that once he'd dealt with the headmaster, he was going to come back, wake up the big ugly guy and challenge him to a fight. It would be a good way to work off any left over adrenaline.

But then they came to a room with a bunch of poisons and potions and Harry was really annoyed. Where was his brainy Ravenclaw honey when he needed her most?

Oh yeah, she'd been dragged off by an evildoer.

"What do we do? I'm not any good at solving riddles," Parvati said.

Harry looked down at the tracking charm that had been growing steadily brighter. "I think we're getting close." He pulled his invisibility cloak out- because if you have something that incredibly useful, why would you ever not have it with you- and handed it to his honey. "Put that on, just in case."

"But what do we do about the fire?" she asked as she slid the cloak over her head.

"The flame freezing charm should work," Harry said nonchalantly. "After the little Charms dude taught it to us back in March, I've tried it on the fireplaces as well as a campfire that Hagrid made and I haven't run into any problems with it yet."

"I'll let you go first then," Parvati replied.

Harry shrugged, cast the spell, and walked into the fire between them and the exit. He turned around and winked at Parvati. "See, no problem."

"Okay." Parvati nervously followed him through, or at least he assumed she did since she was now hidden from sight. Her voice crept up next to him, almost startling him when she began to speak again. "Keep going and I'll follow you. If we run into any trouble, you deal with it and I'll look for my sister."

"Sounds good," Harry nodded. They made their way down another set of stairs and into a large open room. There, Harry saw something that really surprised him. The spazzy guy in the turban was forcing Padma to stand in front of that weird mirror he'd found a few months back.

"Dude, seriously?" he said, drawing their attention. "Touching another guy's honey is really not cool."

"Ah, if it isn't the boy who lived himself," Quirrell replied with a smirk. He pushed Padma aside and cast a spell to tie her up in ropes. "I think you'll do nicely."

"Where's the headmaster?" Harry asked with a glare. "He put you up to this, didn't he?"

"Don't be ridiculous, boy! I don't work for the headmaster."

"I mean, you are a teacher at his school, so, yeah you do."

"That is unimportant. Get over here, now, unless you want me to harm your precious little girlfriend."

"Fine," Harry huffed. Getting up close and personal with this dumbass was going to make things even easier. Harry strolled right up to him as Quirrell kept his wand pointed at him.

"What do you see in the mirror, Potter?"

"Probably the same thing as last time," Harry shrugged. When the spazzy guy shoved him in front of the mirror, Harry nodded happily at seeing himself all ripped and bad ass with a honey under each arm. "Yeah, same thing."

"What do you mean, the same thing? Do you see the stone?"

"What stone?"

"The Philosopher's Stone!"

"What's that?" Harry asked.

"Blast it! I thought for sure Dumbledore would have left some secret tied to his precious hero in order to retrieve it." The spazzy guy clenched his fists and then stepped closer, his wand tip right behind Harry's head. "I suppose we'll just have to wait until the old fool returns then. Then we'll see how the great Albus Dumbledore matches up against my master."

"Master?" Padma asked, drawing both of their attention over to her. Harry could have kissed her right then. "Are you into something kinky? Because my sister would be making all sorts of inappropriate jokes right now if she were here."

"You insolent little-"

Spazzy guy made the mistake of pointing his wand at Harry's already bound honey, but it was the last mistake he would ever make.

Harry began with an elbow to the gut, spun around to knock the wand out of the spaz's hand, and then kneed him in the groin. That would teach him to mess with Padma. It was even grosser that a teacher would think he could get away with something like that.

Harry went for his usual method of dealing with problems then and started to punch his enemy in the face. A left jab, a right hook, but before he could really build up to a nice little combo, something odd happened. The stutter returned for just a moment as his face started to burn wherever Harry hit him.

"M-m-master, what is this magic?"

"Fool, kill the boy!" A voice hissed out.

Harry wasn't just waiting around though, he immediately went back to work at punching the Defense teacher in the face. One blow got him right in the eye, and instead of swollen and bruised, it too burnt up, as if it turned to ash just from a touch. His aim was a bit off for the next punch though as his left hand struck the throat, and that too began to burn, crack, and blow away like dust. Quirrell started badly choking and fell to his knees.

Harry hadn't learned any dumb lessons about mercy though, so he was going to make damn sure that his enemy stayed down. A couple more punches followed before he grabbed Quirrell's head in both hands and smashed his knee into it.

What was left of the smoky remains of the spaz collapsed to the ground and then fell apart, almost completely disintegrating. All that was left was an empty set of robes and some grey dust.

Then this black wraith like thing flew away, and Harry turned to check on Padma.

Parvati was already helping her untie the ropes that had bound her.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"I'm okay," she replied, exhaling and trying to calm her nerves. "Did you just punch Professor Quirrell to death?"

"I guess so," Harry shrugged. "The last time I saw someone go down that fast in a fist fight was when this little jerk that Dudley used to hang out with tried to start some crap at lunch back in primary school. That kid couldn't have been more than fifty pounds soaking wet, but he thought he could bother one of my girlfriends, and I had to teach him a lesson. Sad thing was, I barely tapped him and he collapsed and started crying as if I'd killed his dog or something. I didn't even get to knock any teeth out that time."

"Um, Harry," Parvati began, looking at her boyfriend more than a bit dubiously. "I think you might want to worry about the fact that you could get in a lot of trouble for this. You did just kill one of our teachers."

"He shouldn't have touched one of my girls," Harry growled as he stepped over to Padma and scooped her up in his arms.

"Harry, put me down!" she laughed.

"Nope. Gotta get you to the healer lady and make sure you're alright," he replied with a grin. "Gotta take good care of my honeys, you know?"

"If she keeps arguing, you can carry me instead," Parvati teased. That quieted Padma right down who instead snuggled a little closer as they left the room.

* * *

It turned out that the headmaster hadn't been the evil villain (that time) and in fact, he even awarded Harry with one hundred points for his bravery. On top of winning the quidditch cup (because Harry didn't pass out when he faced the spazzy dude, I mean, what kind of wimp would pass out after burning a dude to death- it was one of the coolest things he'd ever seen) Gryffindor won the house cup as well.

Harry also helped with that by pointing out the greaseball's blatant cheating to McG, who started taking off dozens of points for breathing too loudly when the Slytherins showed up one day until the headmaster was forced to intervene. He was trying to relax and enjoy his quaaludes so he told his teachers to sort things out between them, and McG stomped greasy in an impromptu duel that began in the hall right outside his office.

When Parvati told Harry about that gossip, he was really bummed that he had missed seeing it. He asked McG about it, and when she tried to demur, he pressed her by saying that he was interested in learning more about dueling. She ended up 'borrowing' a pensieve from a very distracted headmaster and showing Harry what had happened. McG was not so secretly very fond of her extremely beefy first year, and Harry now knew that he was going to have to work much harder next year to get her a guy. McG was too awesome to not be someone's honey.

And so his first year at Hogwarts came to a close. Hagrid did him a solid by giving Harry a photo album filled with pictures of his parents, whom he had never seen before. His dad clearly didn't lift, but James must have been doing something right because Lily was obviously honey material. It made him sort of retroactively proud to come from such an attractive couple.

Harry rode the train back to the normal world and enjoyed his time with his honeys while he could. It was going to be lame to not get to see them over the summer.

He tried to put that out of mind though because he did have an important meeting coming up soon. He was going to have to go back to a real gym for the first time in months, and he could only hope that he wouldn't disappoint his mentor with what exercise he'd been able to do while away at magic school. Harry had been without any fitness peers for far too long. With luck, Thanos could give him some more good advice because Harry had a feeling that things were only going to get weirder in the years to come.


	3. Year 2-- Everybody Must Get Stoned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: If only canon Dumbledore were truly this high all the time, some of his actions would make a lot more sense.
> 
> Author's Note: For those of you who are only familiar with Thanos & the Infinity Stones from the MCU, I'm going with the classic colors before they changed them for the movies for some damn reason. I grew up on too many comics, games, & whatnot with the originals. Therefore:
> 
> Power is Red
> 
> Space is Purple
> 
> Reality is Yellow
> 
> Time is Orange
> 
> Mind is Blue
> 
> Soul is Green
> 
> Also, no this story does not take place in the MCU or cross over with any of the movies. Enjoy!

* * *

Harry had just gotten back to his room after showering. It had been a long day of hard work, but he was pretty damn sure that he'd be able to break his record for the benchpress by the end of summer. Everything seemed normal enough- the window was open as he was waiting for his owl to get back from visiting his honeys, the Patil twins. He'd sent them a letter a couple of days before and Sammie had been told to wait and come back with their response. The girls loved his owl anyway- she was pretty striking looking, and Sammie liked the extra attention.

Harry hadn't really thought of it before hand but having sisters as his two honeys also had the added benefit on cutting down on his letter writing. He wasn't the best at expressing himself that way; he was more of a person to person, face to face kind of guy.

Sammie came screeching in through the window with a piece of parchment clutched in one sharp-taloned foot while the other was dragging along this strange little humanoid creature that was bleeding but still kicking.

"Sammie, I think if you were trying to show off your skills as a hunter, you're normally only supposed to bring in things you've finished killing," Harry said as the creature was dropped on the floor next to his bed. The owl barked loudly and landed over on his desk, sticking out her foot and waiting for him to remove the letter. "Thanks girl."

"M-m-mister Harry P-p-potter must listen to Dobby," the little bloody guy moaned as he tried to stand up.

"What's a Dobby? Is that your name?"

"Dobby is a house-elf, sir."

"Okay, um, cool I guess. So, what do you want, little dude?"

"Dobby was trying to stop the great Harry Potter's mail."

"Why would you do that? Man, that was seriously dumb, bro. You're lucky Sammie didn't take one of your eyes out. She's kinda awesome that way, you should have seen what she did to this rat she caught last week. I'm not squeamish about blood, but damn. She messed that thing up like crazy, you know?"

"Dobby was trying to protect the great Harry Potter! Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

"Yeah, that sounds like crazy talk." Harry shook his head, poor little guy was obviously nuts. "Do you have any idea how awesome last year was at Hogwarts? I got to fight a troll, I got to play this wacky game called quidditch, I had these two awesome honeys, and I got to punch a guy to death. Like, his face just turned to dust from me punching him. It was so cool. Why wouldn't I want to go back there?"

"There is a great danger coming to Hogwarts this fall," Dobby pleaded. "Harry Potter must not be harmed, so Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts."

"Look, dude, it's nice that you're worried about me, but I can take care of myself."

"But mister Harry Potter sir-"

"Relax, little dude. Why don't you just go back to whatever it is you house-elves do, and I'll deal with whatever danger might be headed my way, alright?"

"Dobby will find another way then," the elf said before disappearing with a pop.

"Yep, looks like it's gonna be another weird year."

* * *

It was the next month before the weirdness hit again though- this time when Harry had taken a train into London to get his school supplies. Diagon Alley was packed, which was odd for a random Tuesday morning.

"Harry!"

The two matching voices caught his attention and he turned to see his honeys smiling as they came over to see him. They looked even prettier than he had remembered, and he was really glad they had made it back from their Indian vacation in time to meet him for this little shopping trip.

"Ladies," he smiled as he took one hand of each and kissed the back, having spotted their mum following in their wake. She grinned at his manners and he grinned at the fact that he had just now realized that their mum was a total babe. He'd heard that girls tended to grow up to resemble their mums, so he now realized that he had chosen well.

"So, what's all the fuss about today?" he asked.

"Gilderoy Lockhart is having a book signing," Parvati answered.

"Who's that?"

"He's our new Defense teacher," Padma said with a frown.

"Is that a bad thing?" Harry wondered.

"He's too much of a smiling dandy for me to buy into his legend," Padma replied. "People that travel the world fighting dangerous monsters don't look like fops."

"Oh, so he's handsome, so what?" Parvati said. "Harry's handsome, and he did all sorts of crazy stuff last year."

"Let's look at how Harry's dressed," Padma motioned to him and Harry smiled back. He looked damn good if he said so- tight jeans, trainers, and a muscle tee of course, to show off the guns.

"I'm looking," Parvati nodded, as she stepped closer and ran her fingers over his bicep and up to his shoulders. "Did you get even bigger?"

"I've had plenty of time to work out."

"I'll say," she whispered.

"You look nice too," he responded with a grin.

"Thanks."

"Girls, shall we try to make our way inside before the crowd gets even worse?" Mrs. Patil asked.

"Good idea, Mrs. Patil," Harry nodded. "Allow me to clear a path."

He swept his hair out of his eyes just a bit (and making sure the scar was easy to spot for the bleating sheep) and strode forward with his arm muscles tensed to highlight the fact that the big dog was back in the yard. Harry was getting a little better with metaphors- Thanos having shown him how a Rottweiler took care of business helped with his ideas of what badasses big dogs could be.

He wasn't sure if he would be able to tear someone's throat out with his teeth, though. Maybe he'd get a chance to find out one of these days.

"It's Harry Potter!"

One of the throng spotted him quickly enough and people turned to stare while also shouting our greetings and parting before him. Harry grinned, waved, and pulled a honey under each arm. Sometimes, things were really easy.

By the time they were inside the bookstore, things got a lot more confined, as the crowd no longer had anywhere to go.

"Girls, I trust you have your list?"

"Yes, mum," Padma replied.

"Good," she nodded before turning to Harry. "Can I ask you to watch out for my girls, Mr. Potter?"

"Of course, Mrs. Patil," he answered with a grin before taking her hand and kissing the back of it. "And please, call me Harry."

"Then go on, you little charmer," she smiled back. "I'll be waiting in line, so try not to take too long."

Parvati giggled while she and Padma pulled Harry off into the shelves full of books. "Mum has decided she likes you. Our father still doesn't approve, but I think that's a good thing."

"Why?"

"Dating a guy that our father approved of would be awful," Parvati replied. "And so boring."

"Dad's pretty traditional," Padma added. "You're not a pureblood, you're not Indian, and just look at how you dress."

"Too awesome for him to handle?" Harry said with a grin.

"Too muggle, and too much like a ruffian," Parvati said. "I think that's part of your appeal though."

"Thanks, I do try."

"I'm not sure if you noticed, but Lockhart has put all of his novels on the school list," Padma said as she started pulling books down and piling them in Harry's arms. "Mum had a copy of _Wanderings with Werewolves_ and it was utterly ridiculous. Our parents have already agreed that Parvati and I can share one set, you can join that if you like, Harry. I don't believe for one second that the class will be at all useful this year."

"Okay," he shrugged. "Can't be worse than the stuttering idiot last year. He gave me a bloody headache all the time, and then he tried to mess with one of my honeys."

"I still can't believe that you didn't get in trouble for that," Padma frowned.

"He even got points for being so heroic and dashing," Parvati said with a giggle. "It's no wonder we won the house cup. Don't be jealous, sis. It could have been those jerks from Slytherin instead."

"Yes, but you would think he would have at least been interviewed by someone from the ministry," Padma replied. "No one seems to care that we had a possessed teacher- nor that he died. Call me crazy, but I would think that would be kind of a big deal."

"I'm already kind of a big deal," Harry smirked. "Me defeating a bad guy, again, is just what's to be expected. If anything, they should have had a story in the papers about that troll I fought- that was more impressive. The stuttering spaz wasn't nearly as much of a challenge."

They had wandered closer to the front of the store by then and after a flash of a camera, Harry was spotted by a grinning blonde guy who quickly headed for him. "Merlin's beard, can that be Harry Potter?"

He should have swept his hair back down, but now he could see what Padma meant- this dude was a total fop. Nice teeth though- he'd better hope that he wouldn't need any of Harry's lessons.

Lockhart made his way through the crowd and motioned for the camera man to follow him. He smiled this huge smarmy smile and threw an arm over Harry's shoulders- or part way around his shoulders at least. They were pretty damn thick by now.

"For those of you who haven't heard the wonderful news," Lockhart began as the camera flashed again, "I have been approached to help inspire young minds this year by becoming the new professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts at dear old Hogwarts. Harry will be one of my lucky new students come September first. And, since I am feeling magnanimous, he will also be receiving a signed copy of my entire works, entirely free of charge. After all, we do owe such a debt to our beloved boy-who-lived, do we not? Come, Harry, let's smile for the papers. This is bound to make the front page!"

Harry dropped his stack of books and flexed both arms as Lockhart smiled like a buffoon next to him. He'd be curious to see which of them got the bigger response. Parvati had told him that he had a nice smile, but no one in the magical world could stack up to Harry's gun show.

Parvati was laughing at him while her sister merely rolled her eyes. They might look alike, but they could act pretty damn different. That was okay though; Harry liked having some way to be able to tell them apart.

As the three of them made their way back towards Mrs. Patil, who was still waiting in line, Harry heard a voice call out his name behind him.

"So, the famous Harry Potter can't even go to a bookstore without people fawning all over him," the little albino kid whined.

"Don't be jealous, Malfoy," Harry answered with a smile. "Some people are just more likable than others. I'm sure you'll make a friend one of these days. There's bound to be someone that you could bribe with some of that 'Daddy's money' that you're always going on about."

"Draco, haven't I told you to play nicely?"

Harry turned and saw a woman sauntering over to him with long blonde hair, pouty lips, and... for some reason, what looked to be a pimp cane?

"Lucius Malfoy," she said, introducing herself.

"Damn, dude! Your mum is hot!" Harry smiled at the woman while both of his honeys started to laugh. "I don't know about a name like Luscious though- sounds a bit like a stripper. Or a prostitute. You might want to use a different name in public. Especially if your pimp finds out that you've stolen his cane. From what I've heard, they don't like it when their women don't act a certain way. I'd be careful about that, Mrs. Malfoy. But, I guess I can see how your family has so much money."

"I am Draco's father," Luscious hissed with a sneer. "Perhaps, you need better glasses, Potter."

"Are you sure? I mean, with the way you sashayed over here to talk to me..." Harry shook his head and took a step back. "Look, either way, I've already got two sweet honeys, and they're both more than pretty enough that I don't need an older woman getting interested in me. Why don't you try someone your own age? I'd bet Lockhart would be interested in being shown a good time, if you know what I mean."

Harry kept backing away as Parvati glomped onto his side while giggling.

"This isn't over, Potter!" Both Draco and his mum were scowling at him now, but Harry left without any further trouble. A moment later, he heard them try to get into an argument with about a dozen redheads.

"I don't know if that was smart, Harry," Padma warned. "You might want to be careful around the Malfoys. They could be trouble."

"Did you really think that was his mum?" Parvati laughed. "Maybe you do need new glasses?"

"Are you sure it wasn't?" Harry replied. "Maybe he has two mums, and he's snotty all the time because people make fun of him for it. I've heard of that sort of thing. I mean, I wouldn't see that as a bad thing. You can't pick your family, no matter how much I might have wanted to in the past."

"Really?"

"Yeah, the muggles I live with are kinda weird. They seem to be scared of me, for some reason."

"I'll bet," Parvati giggled.

"Let me guess," Padma said. "Have you ever had to teach them lessons- perhaps about privileges, and teeth?"

"Yeah, my cousin had to learn that lesson the hard way. Dumb bastard. And my uncle tried to take his belt to me." Harry chuckled for a moment. "My magic might have 'accidentally' nearly choked him out with it."

"They don't sound very nice," Padma frowned. "Are you okay there?"

"Sure," Harry shrugged. "I spend most of my time in the summer at the gym anyway. That's where I met my mentor, the Thicc Daddy."

"The Thick Daddy?" Padma asked.

"No, Thicc Daddy," Harry corrected her. "He's this really big dude named Thanos. Some people act kinda weird around him too, but he's taught me a lot over the years. I wouldn't be as strong as I am without his guidance. He's given me some great advice about the magical world too."

"Is he a wizard?" Padma wondered.

"No, but he knows about it and stuff."

"He must be a squib then." Padma thought for a moment. "Either that, or he's related to a muggleborn."

"Maybe," Harry shrugged. They had finally rejoined Mrs. Patil.

"Hey mum," Parvati said. "This line is pretty bad. Do you mind if we go next door to get some ice cream while we wait?"

"Only if you stay there until I'm finished," Mrs. Patil answered. "And order me a sundae as well."

"I'd be delighted to escort your lovely daughters there, ma'am," Harry said with a smile. "I'll be certain to save you a seat, as well."

"Take good care of my daughters, Harry," she teased him right back.

"Of course."

* * *

People were staring as they made their way through King's Cross Station, although for once it wasn't at Harry. While he might have been unusually strong for a twelve year old, he didn't stand out nearly as much as a huge purple guy with a single golden glove on his hand.

"So, what did you want to tell me about before I left?" Harry asked.

"Did you notice the new stone?" the Thicc Daddy replied as he lifted his glove.

"Purple this time," Harry nodded.

"The first was about Power, this is about Space," Thanos' voice rumbled.

"Is that why people aren't crowding around us?" Harry wondered.

"It's much more than that, little dude," Thanos chuckled. "Think more cosmically."

"Like Star Wars?" Harry asked. He had finally gotten a chance to watch all three movies, as Thanos wanted to impress upon him all the mistakes that Vader and the Emperor made. What really stood out to Harry though was the slave girl outfit that Princess Leia had worn in the last one. He really, _really_ needed to figure out a way to talk his honeys into dressing up like that sometime soon.

"Sort of. I need four more to complete the set."

"Yeah, then your glove will be all pimped out, right?" Harry asked. "Are they all going to be different colors?"

"Yes, they are."

"Cool."

"I believe we've arrived, Harry," Thanos said as they stopped near the brick wall between platforms nine and ten.

"Yep."

"Remember: you've got to work hard to be hard."

"I know," Harry nodded.

"Good boy." The Thicc Daddy tousled his hair and gave him a small push. "Off you go then. I expect to hear of great deeds when you return next summer."

"Right," Harry said as he ran towards the wall, only to come crashing to a halt a second later. "What the hell?"

"Is this the right one?" Thanos asked as he looked down.

"Yeah, but it won't let me through," Harry muttered as he stood up and used his hands to push against the bricks.

"Maybe it was that little Dobby creature," Thanos said. "Be warned, Harry. Even physically small creatures can be dangerous if they have unusual powers. Don't take any of your enemies for granted until they're buried under the ground."

Harry nodded in agreement. "What do I do now though?"

Thanos stepped closer and put his ungloved hand on Harry's shoulder. "Space, Harry," he said with a grin as he raised the Infinity Gauntlet and the purple stone began to glow. One second later, they had teleported onto a different platform and Harry saw the Hogwarts' express.

"Thanks."

"No problem."

"Well, I don't want to keep my honeys waiting," Harry said.

"Till next we meet."

* * *

The beginning of Harry's second year brought about a strange feeling of deja vu. Not only did Malfoy prance down the train looking for him again, having to be reminded about how he should keep his mouth shut if he wanted to keep his teeth, but then Potions began with the greasy sleazebag trying to pull the same shit too. Harry wondered for a moment about how crooked that huge beak of a nose could be broken by slamming it into his desk for the second straight year.

Maybe some people just had really short memories? Either that, or half the school seemed to have some odd sort of selective amnesia.

His lovely honeys didn't though, and Harry was very happy about that during his first few days. Sadly, they only had two classes with Padma that year- Astronomy and Charms- so Harry was going to make sure they spent plenty of time with her outside of class.

McG was also doing well, and thankfully, she didn't seem to have forgotten everything about one of her favorite students. She also thanked him for discretion in only breaking the sleazy jerk's nose and not snapping his wand this time. Harry had to admit that he had been so distracted by the fun crunchy sound that he'd forgotten to do that as well, but he would keep it in mind for the future. She grinned as she escorted him out of her office and down to dinner that night.

The girls were waiting for him, this time sitting at the Ravenclaw table, and Harry gave them both smiles as he sat down.

For her part, Minerva kept smirking at the greasy- Severus, she corrected herself, recognizing with fondness that young Harry was rubbing off on her- that the pitiful excuse for a teacher was having trouble eating that night with the large bandage over the middle of his face. She had a feeling that Poppy had treated him the way he deserved, and Minerva decided the two of them might want to share a glass of wine after dinner, in order to check on her theory as well as finding out how the healer's summer had been.

* * *

Things started to get weird again when Harry and Parvati had their first Defense lesson. Padma had already warned them that Lockhart was a pompous buffoon, since she'd had the class a couple of days before, but Harry was trying to go in with an open mind.

For a good reason too- here was a new older guy in the school, and maybe, just maybe, Harry would complete one of his goals at Hogwart: finding a decent guy for Professor McG. Admittedly, Lockhart wasn't super macho looking, but then no one in the magical world really was, other than Hagrid. And that hadn't worked out last year, much to his chagrin.

When they arrived at the classroom, Harry noticed that the first row was already full of most of the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff girls even though class wouldn't begin for another ten minutes. Parvati giggled at Harry's confused frown.

"Just because my sister doesn't like him, doesn't mean all the other girls feel the same," she said with a smirk. "Look, even Hermione is right down front next to Susan Bones. I guess maybe she's found the type of guy that she's into."

"Dude, that's not cool." Harry shook his head. "If Lockhart's into young girls, I might have to teach him a lesson."

"Something about _teeth being a privilege_ I would guess."

"Yeah, and from the way he smiles all the time, I'd think it would be a lesson that would really sink in," Harry replied with a growl.

"Down boy, we'll see how the class goes first," Parvati grinned.

"Okay." Harry scratched his head as they found a place to sit. "Why aren't you acting like them?"

"I've already found a beefcake of my own," she smiled as he pulled out a chair for her. "Plus, I've already started training you, so I wouldn't want all my hard work to be wasted on some other girl, now would I? Besides, I've seen you shirtless, and somehow, I doubt Lockhart would measure up."

"Yeah, that's pretty unlikely," Harry nodded. "You know, you kind of owe me though."

"What do you mean?"

"I haven't seen you shirtless yet."

"Harry!" Parvati yelped, and only Lavender turned around briefly, waving happily at them. "That's hardly the same thing, and you know it."

"I guess," he shrugged. A grin came over his face as he went for his follow up, an idea that he'd had for a long time now. "But, I think you could wear something for me. You know, if you really care about me."

He threw in a little sad pout, and Parvati sighed at him. "What do you want me to wear, exactly?"

"You know how in movies and shows on the telly the cool jock dude is always dating a hot cheerleader, right?"

"I guess..."

"Well, I am a star quidditch player, and you are my pretty little honey, so..."

"I'll think about it," she said as she chewed on her lip for a moment. "What about Padma?"

"She'd probably want to have a different outfit since she's in Ravenclaw."

"Maybe not, Padma does cheer for you more than her own house," Parvati responded. "I don't think she cares that much about quidditch in general. That way, we could still match, and we don't want her to feel left out."

"You're a good sister," Harry grinned.

"Uh huh, I'm sure that's what's on your mind right now," Parvati teased as the door opened again and a few of the boys started to come in, filling the classroom up. "We'll talk more later about this."

"Cool. Will you do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Help me out with our impressions of this new teacher dude," Harry replied.

"Why?"

"I'm still on my quest from last year."

"What quest?"

"Finding a good man so Professor McG can be someone's honey."

Parvati snorted at him, rolling her eyes even as she asked, "I don't know if she even wants that, Harry."

"But you and Padma are happy being my honeys, aren't you?"

"Most of the time," she smirked.

"McG is like the best teacher we've got, and I want to see her happy too. Besides, I got to see her duel with the greasy jerk at the end of last year. She's a bad mamajama! It was awesome."

"Hush now, you," Parvati said with a smile as the door at the front of the room opened. Harry was too much of a goofball for her to stay annoyed with him for too long- and a part of her really did like the idea of being the hot cheerleader that was dating Harry, who was pretty obviously the big man on campus. Not that she was going to admit that to him any time soon. She'd make him wait for a little while before her consideration turned into a yes.

She also needed to figure out how to talk Padma into it, which might be the hardest part.

"Can everybody see me?" Lockhart began as he sauntered into the room, smarmy smile in place. Parvati rolled her eyes as she heard multiple sighs coming from the front row. What an idiot; Padma was right.

And the class only went downhill from there.

Fact: Lockhart was both stupid and useless, as proved with how he let loose a bunch of Cornish Pixies and then fled the room.

Fact: Harry had a possessive streak, hence why he 'wasn't going to let any little blue bastards grab one of his honeys.' This might have normally made Parvati swoon a little, but...

Fact: Cornish Pixies have blue blood, something she didn't know previously, and something she wouldn't have minded not ever having to know.

Fact: Harry had now punched yet another thing to death in front of her. Several of them, in fact.

Therefore, she made him go take a shower and clean all the Pixie mess off. Padma could have plenty of Harry time tonight. Parvati headed for Madam Pomfrey, hoping she would have something to help keep her from feeling so nauseous.

* * *

"Hi, Harry!"

A voice practically squealed at him as he sat down in the common room one evening. He looked up and saw a little redheaded girl with freckles gazing adoringly at him with this huge smile on her face.

"I'm Ginny. Ginny Weasley," she said as she stuck out her hand in front of her.

Now, a part of him was wondering why Parvati had to pick this moment to run off to the loo and leave him to deal with this strange new girl. But at the same time, a fan that clearly idolized him was fitting. After all, how many kids at Hogwarts had killed a professor before? Probably not many.

There was that business with the Dark Lord too- old what's his name.

Might as well enjoy the adoration was his final decision. Therefore he kissed the back of her hand, and little Ginny Weasley practically glowed in response. "A pleasure to meet you, miss Weasley."

"Oh my god, oh my god," she replied, starting to hyperventilate. "I can't believe I'm finally talking to you. I mean, of course I am, because you're you, and this is so amazing! I've read all your books."

"My books?" Harry scratched his head for a moment. "Dude, I haven't written any books."

"I know, I mean the books about you." Ginny blushed again before continuing. "You're even more handsome than the books made you out to be. And so _muscular_!"

She licked her lips, and Parvati picked that moment to return. "What are you doing, Weasley? Hands off the merchandise!"

Parvati pushed her way past the other girl and sat down right on Harry's lap. She had to adjust her position too, and Harry held in a groan because it felt really, really nice.

"I was just saying hello." Ginny glared right back at Parvati.

"You've said hello. Now, move along."

"I don't have to do what you say!"

"No, but you don't want to upset Harry, now do you?"

"Of course not!"

"Harry," Parvati turned around, wiggling even more in his lap, and Harry was having a lot of trouble paying attention to whatever the two girls were talking about- he just wanted his honeys to sit in his lap as much as possible from now on. "This girl is bothering me. You don't want me to be upset, do you?"

"No." He would have agreed to pretty much anything at that moment.

"So, tell her to go away," Parvati said, shifting her weight once again. By the gleam in her eye, Harry could tell that she knew exactly what was going on. That, and the obvious boner that she was now sitting on. Thanos had warned him of this- girls would trick and confound him by using his lust against him.

Still, it felt really good.

"Sorry, Ginny, but I need you to stop bothering my honey," Harry said, wrapping an arm around Parvati's waist. She might have won this round, but he wasn't going to let her just get up after the redhead left.

"This isn't over," Ginny huffed as she walked off.

"What am I going to do with you, Harry?" Parvati sighed. "I can't leave you alone without a fangirl coming around."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Harry snorted. "Have you seen me? I should have lots and lots of fangirls. Besides, she wasn't being creepy about it or anything. Not like that one blond kid that shoved his camera in my face."

"You broke his camera, and his nose," Parvati giggled.

"It was just a reflex," Harry shrugged.

"Uh huh," Parvati murmured before leaning down to whisper in his ear. "So, is that a wand in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

"I am very happy to see you," Harry agreed with a smirk. "And it's a lot bigger than a wand."

"Oh, you're awful," Parvati giggled.

* * *

Time passed at dear old Hogwarts and soon enough, Halloween came along, bringing with it a feast full of treats to enjoy. Harry was having a blast, and it appeared that this time the meal wouldn't be interrupted by any screaming pussies ruining things or the evil old headmaster trying to wipe out an entire quarter of the student population. Harry had a couple of slices of pumpkin pie before the evening was drawing to a close.

To his left, Parvati was chatting with her bestie Lavender, who was going through all of the costumes she had worn over the years while out trick or treating. Padma was on his right, and she was mostly enjoying her food while Hermione went over the most recent spell they'd learned in Transfiguration. Harry didn't see what the big deal was- when would anyone ever need to turn a bird into a water goblet?

And why was it specifically a water goblet? Couldn't they have just said 'cup' like a normal person? The Thicc Daddy was right- magical people were freaking nuts.

Once the meal was over, the students emptied out into the halls and the annual Halloween weirdness reared its head. There was a huge puddle of water on the floor, a petrified cat hanging from a torch holder on the wall, and what looked like blood written all over the walls announcing the grand opening of something called the Chamber of Secrets.

"Enemies of the heir, beware! You'll be next, Mudbloods!" Draco shouted with a sneer on his face.

Now, it seemed like most of the school was there, and Harry felt a little confused as there were a number of gasps at Malfoy's little display.

"Um, what's a Mudblood?" Harry asked.

Granger was nearby, and like always, she knew the answer. "It's a very foul term used by bigots who dislike people born from muggles."

"Oh." Harry scratched his head and turned to McG who was standing just behind him, as she had pushed her way through the crowd to see what was going on. He looked at his favorite teacher and raised an eyebrow. "So...?"

She nodded at him and turned to Malfoy. "So, that will be one hundred points from Slytherin and a month in detention mister Malfoy. Let that be a warning to anyone else who might consider using such filthy language."

"You can't do that!" Malfoy yelped. Harry couldn't help but laugh.

"I most certainly can, young man."

"Minerva-" the greasy sleaze tried to interrupt but good ol' McG was having none of his nonsense either.

"Don't you 'Minerva' me, Severus! If you could do your job properly, these little miscreants might learn how to behave themselves like civilized human beings. Since you have failed at your task, it falls to the rest of us to clean up your mess. Does anyone else want to try my patience?"

There were a few quiet murmurs, but people started to back away from the angry Scotswoman. Harry just beamed. McG was such a badass.

Unfortunately, then trouble came wandering in. Albus Dumbledore had arrived and Harry just knew he had something to do with this whole mess. He should have checked to make sure the headmaster didn't sneak out during the feast- he was probably the one turning cats to stone. Maybe he had left out something poisonous to mess with Filch's mangy little monster.

Then again, no one seemed to like Filch or his cat, so it wasn't completely out of the realm of possibility that maybe someone else did it. This time. But Harry was going to try to keep his eye on Dumbledore until he was proven wrong.

"What seems to be the trouble everyone?" Albus asked as he walked forward, eyes twinkling like usual. He had a few crumbs in his beard, just one more thing to try to make people underestimate him, but Harry was onto his game. "Ah, poor Mrs. Norris. She seems to have become confunded into believing that she is a wall fixture. Tut tut!" Dumbledore shook his head and used his wand to levitate the cat off the wall. "We can't have such a tasteless decoration, not even for this day of all days. I'm thinking perhaps we should replace her with a nice watercolor. Severus, have I ever shown you my series of clown paintings? Clowns are such wonderful people, bringing joy and merriment to all."

Ah hah! Harry was right- everyone knows that clowns are always evil.

"Albus, I believe that we may have a bigger problem," McG said, pointing out the writing on the wall.

"Ah, yes," the headmaster nodded. "Slytherin's rumored stash of secrets. I wonder if anything could still have any potency left over. After such a long time, sadly I doubt it. However, it would be worth an experiment or two. Merely to satisfy my curiosity, if nothing else."

"What about my cat?"

"Hmm?" Dumbledore turned to see the old caretaker. "Ah, fear not, Argus, we will be able to restore her once the mandrakes are ripe."

* * *

Now, he wouldn't admit it, but Dumbledore was quite pleased that mandrakes only ripen in the spring. That blasted cat had somehow gotten into his good stuff one too many times, and having her out of the way for the next several months sounded wonderful.

* * *

The first quidditch match led to Harry noticing that Luscious Malfoy had returned, and she was once again prancing around like a peacock. He tried not to be too judgmental, but he wasn't sure if it was really okay for a lady of the night to be interacting with teenage boys though- it seemed pretty sketchy, but then again, this was the strange magical world.

She'd obviously been working hard lately too as she had bought the entire Slytherin team new broomsticks.

Harry was floating across from the little albino Malfoy kid just before the game started.

"So, Draco, you must feel pretty good about how much your mum spoils you, huh?"

"What are you saying about my mother?"

"You know, how she must have worked really hard, on her back or on her knees, to make enough to buy all these brooms just so you could get a spot on the quidditch team," Harry said. "You're a lucky kid, you know?"

"My _father_ ," Draco tried to emphasize, but Harry wasn't buying it, "is not a prostitute!"

"Oh, I see," Harry nodded. "I'm sorry, I should have said 'escort' right? Does she often 'do business' with rich wizards? With all the money you're always talking about, I could call her a high price call girl instead."

Malfoy was turning incredibly red as Harry continued. "But I figured that wouldn't really be accurate since wizards don't do phone calls. Man, sometimes I forget that it's like I've stepped back into the Dark Ages when I come here."

A whistle blew signaling the start of the match, and Harry sped off looking for the snitch. Malfoy was following on his heels the entire time.

Then, more strangeness began as one of the bludgers had apparently decided that it wanted a piece of Harry. Normally, this might seem kind of fun to him, but it was even going after him when his back was turned, and everyone knows that's some totally chickenshit behavior.

"Man, piss off, you stupid iron ball!"

"What's the matter, Potter?" Malfoy laughed. "Can't handle a simple little bludger going after you?"

"At least it isn't your mum trying to hit on me again," Harry snorted just as the bludger flew past him.

"Stop talking about my father like that!"

Harry got the next laugh in though, because the poor little albino kid had lost his focus, and Harry turned so that Malfoy was in the direct path of the bludger. WIth a scream of pain, his arm was snapped and he fell off his broom.

"Tough luck," Harry chuckled before the bludger had come back around and was now chasing him all over the pitch.

"Dammit!"

He sped as fast as he could with the ball chasing after him, trying its best to smash him to pieces, but Harry had become the youngest seeker in a century for a reason. Eventually, he spotted the snitch and was able to snatch it out of the air, but even after the whistle blew, the bludger decided it wasn't finished with him.

"MOTHERFUCKER!" he yelled as his right hand was smashed by the maniacal little iron bastard. He dropped the snitch and fumbled with his pocket as he reached for his wand with his left hand. Just as it came back around, Harry took aim.

" _Reducto!_ "

Thankfully, he nailed the bludger just as it was heading straight for him. Harry took a deep breath and winced at the sharp pain in his right hand. He spat on the remains of the bludger at his feet just as his honeys came rushing over to him.

"Are you alright, Harry?" Parvati asked.

"I will be as soon as I kill the headmaster for this."

"Harry, the headmaster wasn't even at the game," Padma said. "Also, he isn't an evil mastermind."

"He's got you all fooled," Harry sighed.

"Ah, Harry my lad," Lockhart said with that patented annoying smile of his as he strutted over. "I can have you right as rain is just one moment."

Now, Harry didn't know much about healing magic, but he knew that Lockhart was an obnoxious buffoon on his best day. Unfortunately, he was a little too quick with his wand and Harry soon saw that his right hand was now floppy and boneless.

"What the hell bro?"

"Yes, well, that was-"

Whatever excuse Lockhart might have tried to make ended as Harry began punching him in the face. Repeatedly. The smarmy git was crying and begging him to stop, which just meant that Harry wasn't finished knocking his teeth out yet if he could still manage something resembling speech.

It was a lot harder to do with only his left hand, but Harry knew the value of hardwork.

"Mister Potter!" McG pulled him off the idiot. "What is the meaning of this?"

"This fucking retard cursed me! Look at my damn hand!"

"Language, Harry," she said, but then she looked closer at his obviously boneless right hand and turned back to the pitiful Defense professor who was trying to pick up the teeth that were scattered in the ground all around him. "That will be two points from Gryffindor, due to the extenuating circumstances, but do not do so again. Understood?"

"Yes, professor."

Parvati was giggling while Padma rolled her eyes and muttered 'only two points' under her breath.

"My face, look what he did to my beautiful face," Lockhart sobbed.

"Perhaps next time you will remember not to point your wand at a student, Gilderoy," McG replied. "Also, I believe Poppy will be quite displeased with you for interfering in her area of expertise. Such a shame that now she will be responsible for trying to fix you up. Well, one must learn their lessons somehow."

Lockhart whimpered one more time and refused to look up.

"Now then, Harry, I do believe the lovely Patil girls will be able to escort you to Madam Pomfrey."

"Can they help me change out of my uniform first?"

"Harry!" Padma yelped as she began to blush.

"You wish," Parvati groaned. "We'll make sure he doesn't get into any more trouble today, professor. Come on, you goofball."

She began tugging on his still functional hand as Padma took his boneless one and began examining it as they walked. "Does this hurt at all?"

"Not really. You know that pins and needles feeling you get if your foot falls asleep? It's sort of like that, only all squishy and weird too."

"Fascinating," Padma replied, continuing to touch it, even pinching it to check for a response. None came and she looked up at him. "I think I might want to ask Madam Pomfrey about exactly what has happened here. It seems like this would cause all sorts of problems. Besides, you probably need one of us to learn some healing so we can patch you up after all the fights and danger you get in."

"Good idea, sis."

"I'm lucky to have you girls looking after me."

"Someone has to," Padma sighed dramatically, her teasing given away by the grin on her face. She might not have been in such a good mood if not for the fact that finally Lockhart got what he deserved. Stupid bloody moron! Maybe next year she would actually have a decent Defense professor. At this rate, her OWL and even NEWT scores would be in jeopardy otherwise.

* * *

That week's Defense lessons were canceled due to the teacher needing to regrow a number of teeth and have some cuts and bruises healed as well. When he did finally show back up, it appeared he was wearing a large amount of makeup.

Or, even more makeup than usual.

Meanwhile, Harry had been awoken in the middle of the night by Dobby, the little grey dude who had tried to maim him with the attack bludger. Sadly, Harry was a little out of it, so he only gave a sleepy half-hearted threat of teeth breaking before dozing back off.

The next morning, he found out that the kid with the camera had been turned to stone just like that mangy cat. Harry was sort of pleased by that- no more of the little oddball constantly trying to get a signed photo.

Ginny Weasley was one thing, but having a male stalker wasn't what Harry was into.

* * *

A few days later, a dueling club was announced, supposedly to help teach people to defend themselves from whatever 'monster' might lie hidden in the mythical Chamber of Secrets.

Harry still blamed the headmaster and had been staring at him during every meal. According to Parvati, he was being silly. Her sister said he was being paranoid. But he knew the truth, and he would not be caught unaware this time!

As most of the students filled the Great Hall, with the usual dining tables cleared out of the way, Hermione was rambling about how the little Charms dude had apparently been a dueling champion once upon a time.

Harry wasn't that lucky though- instead the buffoon came waltzing out to applause from a number of girls who he had clearly ensnared with dark magic somehow.

"Welcome to the first meeting of my newly established dueling club," Lockhart began, tossing a jaunty little cloak off to a handful of his admirers. Harry zoned out as he started spouting a bunch of nonsense about something or other.

There was this kid with a huge chin next to Padma who Harry thought was called Jason or Dustin or something, but after having the painful experience of partnering with him in Herbology one day, he just couldn't be bothered to try to remember his name. He reminded him of the type of posh person that the Dursleys wished they were. After he had asked how Harry had been able to get not one but two girlfriends, Harry kept a closer eye on him- the Hufflepuff big chin kid was definitely checking out Parvati before a growl made him stop.

Needless to say, they hadn't worked together in any classes after that. And now, he seemed to be trying to chat up Harry's other honey. Someone was asking for a fistful of punishment.

The greasy Potions guy walked in at some point and he and the smarmy idiot started off with a demonstration of the disarming charm- in which greasy knocked the grinning fool on his ass.

The students began to practice dueling at that point when people paired off to work on trying to disarm each other. The twins were working together, so Harry and the big chin kid faced off.

Harry was feeling sporting though, so he gave his opponent a first shot. He dodged to the right as what's his face's spell flew past him, knocking poor Longbottom over and sending his wand flying off into the crowd.

Harry then returned fire, not only knocking the wand out of his hand but also sending big chin crashing into the wall behind him. He walked over, picked up the wand, and then leaned down as he offered a hand to help the kid up. "Stay away from my honeys, or else."

"Um, right, sorry," the boy blushed as Harry nodded and yanked him rather harder than necessary up to his feet.

Around them, the club had descended into chaos. Harry saw Hermione Granger had been stuck with a large Slytherin girl who had somehow gotten her in a headlock. He was pretty sure that wasn't exactly what most people would have thought to do, but he also thought it was a decent strategy, all things considered.

"Excuse me, ladies," he said as he walked over to them. The larger girl was so surprised by his interruption that she let Hermione wriggle free. "Do you mind if I give you both a bit of advice?"

"What's it to you, Potter?"

"Do you mind if I talk to Granger first?"

"Fine."

He pulled his classmate aside and noticed that she didn't wince, so hopefully she hadn't been grappled for too long. "Are you alright?"

"Yes," Hermione said quietly, looking anywhere but at his face. "Thank you."

"No problem," he brushed it off. "In the future, you're going to want to stay out of range of people bigger and stronger than you. The key to fighting is the way you move. Stay on your feet, don't let them get close, dodge when you can, and make sure your punches, or spells in this case, connect. Got it?"

"I think so."

"Cool," he nodded as he looked back at the larger girl. "Say, Granger, what's that other chick's name anyway?"

"Millicent Bulstrode."

"Thanks." He took a few steps through the crowd over to miss Bulstrode and tried to introduce himself, despite the unpleasant expression she was wearing. It was somewhere between a glare and a frown, but he didn't let that bother him. "It's Millicent, right?"

"What do you want?"

"I was going to congratulate you on your tactics. Using your strengths in a fight is always a good idea."

"Oh." She looked confused for a moment then got the barest hint of a smile. "Um, thanks."

"No biggie," he shrugged. "Next time though, you might want to try getting your opponent off their feet. Knocking someone down makes it a lot harder for them to escape or fight back very well. Know what I mean, dude?"

"I guess so..." She gave him a smirk and raised an eyebrow. "Why are you giving me advice though? I thought all you Gryffindors didn't like any of us Slytherins."

"Nah, that's pretty much just Malfoy and the greaseball," Harry replied with a nod over his shoulder towards said greasy Potions jerk. "I don't really know any of the rest of you. Besides, have you seen most of the wimps around here? I figured that you might want someone to talk to that knows the value of being physically strong instead of just waving a wand around for everything."

"Hmm," she muttered.

A whistle blew, as someone was trying to restore order, and Harry looked over to his honeys. Now, normally, they got along very well, but every now and then some sibling rivalry came to the fore and this was one of those occasions. Both of their hairdos had come loose, they were sweating and panting, and Parvati had a scratch on her cheek.

For some reason he couldn't quite put his finger on, Harry really liked the way they looked.

Padma got her sister with one last spell and he had to react quickly to catch Parvati before she fell over.

"Hey, hey, my honeys, what's the problem?"

"I was just reminding my dear sister that she won't be able to top me unless she works harder in class," Padma said with a glare.

Parvati hissed back, "You're just mad because I get to have more fun with Harry!"

"Alright, ladies, let's not fight," Harry interjected. "Let's remember who the real enemies are, okay?"

He pointed towards the two so-called teachers who had caused this mess.

The smarmy bozo said something stupid and the greasy jerk said something about blocking spells and a moment later, Harry found himself opposite John (or maybe Don?) Weasley as the duo who were supposed to demonstrate for everyone.

Lockhart's example of how to 'block a spell' was apparently to wave your wand around like you're trying to fix your hair and then drop it without casting any sort of spell. Thankfully, McG had taught him the incredibly useful Shield Charm near the end of last year, once he had emerged triumphant over the turban guy. She wanted him to know what to do if he had any other teachers attack him- and it was one of the most important lessons he'd probably ever have.

When the ginger fired his spell, Harry was ready and shouted out, " _Protego!_ "

The spell was not only blocked but flew right back at its caster and Weasley went flying. There was a snapping sound and he got up looking ill as he had fallen on his wand, which was now much more bent than it should have been.

Before Harry could say anything, greasy hoisted him back up and said, "Try again, Weasley."

"But my wand," he moaned.

"If you properly maintained it, it should be fine," Snape sneered.

Harry was pretty sure that was complete bullshit, and Don... no Ron, it might have been Ron actually... Ron gulped and tried to cast the disarming spell.

What came out instead, for some mysterious reason, was a snake.

Harry recognized it as a cobra, and he stepped forward with a smile as it raised up its head and hissed menacingly at that big chin Hufflepuff kid who was standing closest to it.

" _Yo, dude, don't bite that kid,"_ he hissed, not noticing the people gasping and backing further away.

" _Why not?_ " the snake asked.

" _I'm pretty sure he wouldn't taste very good_ ," Harry answered. " _If you want someone with some flavor, you should turn around and head for the guy all in black with the really big nose and the greasy black hair._ "

" _He would taste better?_ "

 _"Sure, he's always cooking over cauldrons, so I'm sure he's soaked up some sort of seasoning over the years_."

"What are you doing?" yelped the big chin kid, distracting Harry from his attempt at convincing the snake to get rid of another teacher for him.

"What do you mean?"

Greasy took that opportunity to step forward and cast a spell causing the snake to vanish.

"Ah man, I wasn't done talking to him," Harry moaned.

Almost everyone backed away and whispered. It was then that he realized that he was being stared at much more than usual. "What's up?"

People were practically cowering in terror as Parvati grabbed one of his arms and pulled him out of the Great Hall. The students parted, giving them plenty of room to leave as Padma ran along after them. When they came to the nearest classroom, Parvati led them inside.

"Why didn't you tell us you were a parselmouth?"

"A what?"

"A parselmouth is someone who can speak to snakes," Padma explained. "It's a very sought after gift in India."

"For good reason," Parvati added with a blush.

"Oh." He scratched his head and shrugged. "I didn't know it was a big deal. I thought that there were probably all sorts of ways to talk to animals. You know, with magic and stuff. It'd be pretty cool to talk to birds. Then I could ask Sammie what it's like to fly with wings instead of a broom. I bet that would be sweet!"

"Harry, this could be a problem," Padma said with concern. "Most people in this country think of it as a bad thing. Slytherin's emblem is a snake because he could talk to snakes. And so could you-know-who."

"You-know... oh, the guy that was a face on the back of the stuttering dude's head? Well, he was lame, but that doesn't mean that all snakes are evil. I mean, I had a pet snake for awhile, before we had a difference of opinions."

"A difference of opinions?"

"Okay, so it might have been an argument, but I was in a bad mood, and he pissed me off."

"You got in a fight with your pet snake?" Padma's eyebrow was raised in disbelief.

"I mean... kind of, yeah," Harry admitted. Parvati just started to giggle.

"It's alright," she grinned and patted him on the shoulder. "I know that sometimes you brutal ruffian types have trouble expressing yourself with words. I'm just glad you know how to do other things with your mouth."

"Parvati!" her sister glared at her. "This is serious!"

"Oh, I know," Parvati said with a smile. "We are definitely keeping him."

"What?"

"Do you know what they say about parselmouths?" she smirked at her sister.

"No?"

Parvati pulled Padma several feet away and began to whisper in her ear. Harry frowned for a second before seeing Padma start to blush. "No way!"

"Uh huh," Parvati answered with a huge grin on her face.

"Where did you hear that?"

"I read it in a couple of books at Gran Amala's."

"But-"

"I asked her about it last summer too," Parvati was also looking rather flushed. "She said there were a number of tales of the abilities of parsel speakers, and that they were mostly true. Besides, remember great uncle Jayant?"

"Was he the one with three wives?" Padma asked.

"Yep," Parvati grinned again. "Gran said there was a reason he was able to keep them all happy."

"Oh... oh!" Padma squeaked out.

"What are you two talking about?" Harry finally interrupted them.

"Don't worry about it," Parvati replied.

"Okay..."

Girls, man- they could be really weird sometimes. Harry noticed that both of his honeys giggled and blushed around him a lot more for the next few weeks after that night. He had no idea why, but they were in good moods, so he figured he might as well just enjoy it.

* * *

Most of the rest of the school, on the other hand, started staying much further away from Harry, worried that he was the Heir of Slytherin and that he was going to feed them to his monster. It was kinda weird that they seemed to think he was going to start attacking the muggleborns though. His mum had been one, so you'd think that would sink in, and Granger, while not technically a friend, was someone that he really liked trying to rile up. The way she would try to scold him was always good for a laugh. He was hoping she'd come up with another fun term of endearment too.

Things got more annoying about a week later though, when the big chin kid became the second victim, also petrified along with the Fat Friar. Harry thought that was pretty strange- how does a ghost get turned to stone? Was it ghost stone? Was that a thing? It sounded kinda cool.

Unfortunately, that just made people even more convinced that Harry was behind the attacks.

"This is dumb," he said one day at lunch as only his honeys, Lavender, and Hermione were sitting near him- although those girls both had a honey in between themselves and Harry. While he liked the female attention, the constant muttering and stares were lame. People were supposed to stare at him in awe of his badass muscles. "If I were going to attack people, it wouldn't be some kid whose name I don't even know."

"Who would you attack then?" one of the Weasley twins asked as they sat down across from him. Harry couldn't tell Fred from George, but they were at least decent guys who could bring out a laugh now and then.

"Probably the greasy douchebag," Harry replied with a motion up to the staff table. "Either that or Malfoy, but he hasn't been too yappy ever since McG gave him all those detentions. Man, she's the best."

"I didn't know you were so fond of our head of house."

"Yeah, she's always trying to bust us for something or other," the second ginger twin added. "To be fair, she has good reason, but it still can be a pain."

"She's cool," Harry shrugged. "And so much better than most of the other teachers."

"It sounds like you girls might have some competition," Fred... or maybe George said with a look at Padma.

"Oh, we know all about Harry's affection for Professor McGonagall, but it's not like that."

"Harry wants to set her up!" Parvati giggled. "He's convinced that he needs to find her a man."

"I still say she and Hagrid would make a good couple," Harry grumbled. "They seem friendly already, and he's a big tough dude."

"He's not exactly what I would call cute though," Parvati replied.

"Well, who is the 'cutest' of the teacher dudes?"

"Lockhart," all four girls answered.

"Aw man," Harry groaned. "But he's so lame."

"You asked, Harry," Padma teased.

"Fine, fine." He took a deep breath, realizing that his quest just got that much worse. "I'll see what I can do."

_To be continued..._

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: I know a lot of people don't like Ginny Weasley, writing her off as a mere crazy stalker fangirl, but why not do something fun with that?


	4. Year 2-- Everybody Must Get Stoned II

* * *

Harry Potter groaned to himself as he strolled down the hall towards the classroom that buffoon Lockhart had been using all year. He refused to call it teaching since all the fop had done was stoke his ego and make the dumb girls sigh. Funnily enough, even Granger was being stupid about him.

As if that soft ponce could really put a werewolf in a headlock. I mean, seriously, he got beaten up by a twelve year old with only one good hand.

Unfortunately, Harry was stuck having to try to figure out a way to deal with him because he was determined to find a guy for McG. That's why he ended up knocking on the door that evening about half an hour after dinner had finished. Plus, it had to be that night in particular because he'd already secured the help of his second favorite set of twins as well as his brainy Ravenclaw honey in setting everything up. He still wasn't happy about it, but the quest to find McG a dude was far too important for him to bail now.

"Come in!"

"Excuse me, professor," Harry said, trying not to grind his teeth in his annoyance as he opened the door and stepped inside.

"Ah, M-m-mister Potter," Lockhart gulped.

"Yeah, so I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but um..." Harry scratched his head. How the hell was he supposed to do this anyway? "So, are you like married or anything?"

"Of course not," Lockhart answered with a grin. "My adoring public would be heartbroken if I weren't unattached."

"Oh," Harry frowned.

"It is a burden I'm willing to bear," Lockhart smiled once again. "Besides, can you imagine me being tied down to some woman? Whenever would I have the time to write my novels?"

"I guess, but... I mean, you do like girls, right? No wait, you don't like young girls I hope. Because that would be all kinds of wrong."

"I like the adoration they give me, but I am not sexually interested in them, I can assure you of that," Lockhart replied before starting to frown. "I'm not sure why I'm telling you all this."

"Oh, that's due to my lovely assistants," Harry answered as he pointed his wand at the no longer grinning wizard. "It was going to be bad enough that I would have to willingly talk to you, but I certainly didn't want to have to do it while you would just spin your usual lies."

"You mean like all my books?"

"Yeah, did you make all of that stuff up?"

"I'm not that imaginative," Lockhart answered then started to frown again. "Why did I say that?"

"We slipped you a truth potion in your evening meal."

"Oh, no," Lockhart moaned.

"Oh yes. So, about your books... if you didn't make them up, then..."

"I interview people who have done amazing things, write down their stories, and then use memory charms to make them forget what they've done so that I can claim their deeds as my own." Lockhart grimaced as Harry smirked at him. "A truth potion shouldn't make me tell you all this."

"There may have also been a little something to loosen your tongue as well," Harry shrugged. "Alright, so you're a fraud. I kinda had that figured out already, so that's no biggie. More importantly, do you like ladies or are you as much of a poof as you seem?"

"I am not gay!" Lockhart turned up his chin defiantly. "You've no idea how many times men have accused me of that. Just because I spend more on hair care than the average witch, doesn't mean anything about my sexuality! I'm just incredibly pompous and vain!"

"You said it, not me," Harry chuckled.

"Damn you, Potter! I'll get you for this."

"Dude, I haven't seen you successfully cast a spell all year. I learned more about defensive magic in one afternoon with McG last year than all of the retarded 'lessons' of yours that I've sat through. And I'm the one with the wand now, so let's get back to the point. Would you be interested in hooking up with McG? Excuse me, I mean Professor McG."

"Minerva McGonagall?" Lockhart looked confused. "She was one of my teachers! I wouldn't do that, even if I wanted to."

"I thought the teacher/student thing was supposed to be cool," Harry said. "I guess I'll have to double check with Thanos about that. Anyway, so that's a no to becoming her man?"

"Of course it's a no. Besides, haven't you been paying attention? I'm a huge narcissist. I would have to have the most beautiful yet simple and vapid woman possible on my arm. Minerva is a lovely woman for her age, but she is not up to my standards."

"Damn," Harry sighed. "This is matchmaker thing is harder than it looks. I guess I don't have any reason to keep this up then. You can come out boys."

There was the sound of a rustling cloak as Fred and George appeared. "Don't you mean..."

"Your lovely assistants?"

Both boys were grinning madly. One of them, Harry was guessing George, had a large bag in his hand while the other, possibly Fred, had his wand out, ready to jinx the pompous fraud if given the chance.

"Padma was the lovely one, you guys are just my assistants," Harry replied.

"We could have brewed you those potions, you know?"

"I figured you might slip something else in though."

"We probably would have," maybe Fred answered while his brother chuckled.

"Well, you won't have anyone to stop you in a moment," Harry grinned. "I need to go talk to McG. I was hoping to give her good news, but I guess getting rid of this bozo will have to do."

"You're really set on this Harry," the left twin said, shaking his head and smirking. "Maybe you should check with her that she even wants to be some bloke's honey."

"What do you mean?"

The twin on the right answered. "What if old McGonagall wants a honey of her own?"

"Oh..." Harry stopped to think about it. That had a lot more possibilities. "I guess I should ask, huh?"

"Nothing wrong with a little witch on witch action, eh Fred?"

"Right you are, my dear brother. Although, I would prefer it to be with someone a little younger and less terrifying than our head of house."

"Alright, I'll be back in a bit," Harry said. "Try not to have too much fun while I'm gone."

"We'll do our worst," George replied as he opened his bag. "We've just got a few things to try out. Our professor here looks like he might want to volunteer to become a product tester."

Harry nodded, retrieved his invisibility cloak, and went off to find McG. Technically, he probably should have brought to light the fraud with the headmaster, but he knew by then that the old man was far too evil to care about his students. McG would be the one to get things done. He just needed to figure out how to tactfully ask her if she was interested in dudes or not.

A couple of minutes later, he reached her office. When he was let inside, Harry decided to just be honest. "Hey, Professor McG. I was wondering if you like dudes or ladies."

"What?" she stared at him, quite possibly aghast.

Okay, maybe that was way too blunt. But this is Harry we're talking about.

"You know, like I've got my two honeys. Or like how Malfoy has two mums even if he does insist on calling one of them his _father_ ," Harry couldn't help but roll his eyes as he finger quoted the father part. The way Luscious Malfoy pranced around made Harry wonder at who would teach their lady of the night to act like that. Maybe it was a magical thing.

"Mister Potter," McG shook her head and bade him to sit down in one of the chairs in front of her desk. "Why on Earth are you asking me such an inappropriate question?"

"You don't wear a wedding ring," Harry pointed out. "I assume that means there isn't a Mr. McG. And I... well, like I have Padma and Parvati, you know? They make me feel pretty good, and they like being my honeys. I figured that maybe, if I could find some cool wizard dude, then maybe you could be his honey, and that would make you happy."

"That is very sweet, Harry," she gave him a little grin. "However, it is also thoroughly unnecessary."

"Oh, so ladies then?" he asked.

"No!"

"But-"

"Harry, while I appreciate your idea, did it ever occur to you that maybe I am not interested in having a romantic relationship?"

He stared at her like she had grown two extra heads, or maybe some antlers. "But... that doesn't make any sense. What about frenching?"

"You may be a hormonal teenager, but those sorts of feelings are not universal," she replied as she stifled a smile.

"They're not?" he gasped.

"As you get older, you will likely find that there are many things that matter more than 'frenching' or other things of that sort."

"That's crazy talk," Harry argued with a frown. "As my mentor would say, it sounds like you need to get laid."

McG shook her head and mumbled something about horny little buggers. She wasn't as quiet as she might have hoped, but Harry held back his laughter. "Why don't we set my love life aside for now? Is there anything else that you wanted to discuss?"

"Oh yeah, I should probably tell you that Lockhart admitted to being a fraud who made all that stuff up."

"What?" she stood up. "He told you that?"

"There may have been a truth potion that got him talking," Harry smirked. "Two of your favorite pranksters are currently keeping him occupied if you want to do something about getting rid of the idiot."

"I hope those little reprobates are keeping him properly tied up," she replied as she walked over to her fireplace. "You can see yourself out, Harry. I've got several people to floo tonight. WIth luck, we'll have that fool out of the castle before morning."

"Goodnight, McG."

* * *

Unfortunately for Harry, his quest had gone unfulfilled as well as McG attempted to horrify him with the idea that he wouldn't always want to do fun things with his honeys. He was extra _attentive_ to them for the next few days after that.

Meanwhile, Lockhart had been interviewed by both representatives from the DMLE and the Daily Prophet, and the fraud was now awaiting trial. That meant there was no teacher for Harry's next Defense lesson on the final Friday of the fall term. He wasn't sure what would be awaiting him as he and Parvati headed to the class as it hadn't been canceled.

When they stepped through the door, Harry gasped. Then he started to choke due to all the smoke in the air. Albus Dumbledore was standing at the front of the room in an eye-watering tie dyed robe.

"Welcome, everyone," the headmaster said happily. "Come in, come in! I've got the most important lesson possible for Defense."

He pointed his wand at the blackboard, which spun around to reveal an enormous peace sign.

"Peace man," Dumbledore said. He leaned back against his desk and reached over to grab a two foot tall orange and purple bong. "Peace is the best thing, like _ever_ , man."

The students were too stunned to sit down. After a very awkward moment of silence, good old Hermione raised her hand in the air.

Albus finished his toke, his eyes glazed, as he motioned to her with a smile on his face. "What is your question, miss Granger?"

"Professor Dumbledore, sir-"

"Call me Alby," he replied in a soft voice. "All my friends do."

"Right, um, Alby," she said, clearly flustered. It looked to Harry like she was straining at not being respectful enough towards him- but then Hermione hadn't seen through the old man's facade to his thoroughly evil core like Harry had. She continued, "Is that marijuana, sir?"

"Mary Jane," he nodded. "The loveliest girl I've ever had the pleasure of dealing with."

The headmaster started to giggle, and most of the students started to mumble about what they were going to do. Harry though was keeping a close eye on him, waiting for his next evil scheme. He couldn't let his guard down, not with such a dastardly villain in close proximity to one of his honeys.

The door then banged open, with McG striding in as she groaned. "Albus, what in the name of Merlin... is that marijuana?"

"Don't go harshing my buzz, Minnie," he smiled. "I'm just getting to my lesson for the day."

"No, you are not," she scolded him. "You will clean this nonsense up right now."

"But-"

"Until we have a replacement, I will handle Defense Against the Dark Arts," she said. "You will have to take over Transfiguration in the mean time."

"Oh, fine," the headmaster pouted as he shrunk his bong down and stuck it into a pocket of his robes.

"And Albus, if I find you making any sort of mess like this in my classroom, I'm sure I can convince Poppy to give you a very thorough exam, even worse than last time."

"You're no fun," he muttered. Dumbledore walked towards the door and the students parted down the middle for him. "I still say this would have been a wonderful lesson for them."

Once the door closed behind him, McG cast several spells to freshen the air. Everyone started to find seats, and Hermione's hand was once again high up in the air.

"Miss Granger?"

"Professor McGonagall, what was that all about? Is the headmaster alright?"

"Don't worry about him." McG had this funny little look on her face, and Harry relaxed a bit as he now knew that someone else was keeping a close watch on the headmaster of evil. "You'll have to forgive me as I forgot that I would need to switch my schedule around while I've been dealing with everything else. Professor Dumbledore is quite skilled at alchemy, among other things, and he is a master of Transfiguration. However, he is absolutely useless at Defense."

"What?" Hermione gasped.

"It's true," McG grinned slightly. "You should ask some of the older students. They'll tell you that we've had one bad teacher after another for Defense. Unfortunately, the board of governors hasn't seen fit to let me handle hiring new staff, and the headmaster just can't seem to find anyone even slightly qualified for the position."

Harry could only nod- that did explain the stuttering spaz and the vain buffoon in a way that he hadn't considered.

"This is one of the reasons why the war with you know who went so poorly," McG sighed as she sat down behind the desk, using her wand to banish even more drug paraphanilia that had littered it. "Everyone looked to Professor Dumbledore to save the day, as he had defeated Grindelwald all those years ago, but he had one fatal flaw for such a task- he is a staunch pacifist."

"But, I thought the headmaster was the only one that the he who must not be named was said to fear," Granger added, still looking confused.

"Hrmph," McG scowled. "That's because he who must not be named showed up in Hogsmeade one day when the staff was all there. Albus transfigured you know who's robes into a very tight leather outfit and suggested that they work things out peacefully. He fled that day, the only time anyone ever drove him off, but I think I might have been just as horrified as you know who was."

She neglected to mention how Dumbledore had changed his own outfit at the same time- there were some things too terrible to tell the children, things that still made her drink when she couldn't repress the memories. McG shook those thoughts off and cleared the blackboard.

"Now then, let's get to work," she said as she stood up and walked around the desk. "Today, I'm going to teach you one of the most important spells you should know. _Protego_ , or the Shield Charm, is far too useful to wait to teach it any longer. Mister Potter, why don't you come to the front and you can help me demonstrate."

"It would be my pleasure, professor."

* * *

The next couple of months passed without anything too important happening. Harry once again spent the Christmas break working out extra hard while the girls went home. He did a good deed too- just before everybody left, he gave Ron Weasley several galleons so that he could get a new wand. Harry felt a little bad about his part in the breaking of Ron's old wand, and after seeing how bad it reacted to the Shield Charm lesson, in which he had somehow conjured a banana, a turkey, and an old boot without ever successfully managing to get the spell right, Harry didn't want to see what may accidentally happen next.

He did wonder at why the teachers would let someone with a clearly broken wand keep using it in class- but then he chalked it up to the madness that was everywhere in the magical world.

Things got weird again once Valentine's Day rolled around. Little angry looking dwarves dressed up as Cupid filled Hogwarts ready to facilitate the festivities, whether or not anyone was impressed by them or the gawdy decorations that filled the Great Hall. The head dwarf was chomping on a cigar while he told McG that they'd signed a contract with Lockhart, and they always honored their work orders even though the fraud was now in Azkaban.

Parvati and Padma were both put off by the hairy little 'angels' flying around that morning, and so they told Harry that they would appreciate not being further harassed by the little buggers. That was fine with him, so he tried not to pay too much attention to the ugly little guys.

All that changed later that day, just after lunch. He and the girls left a few minutes early so they could trek off to Charms when one of the cupids flew over to him. "You must be Potter, right?"

"That's me," Harry answered with a smirk. He should have known one of his fans would still want to pay tribute to his greatness.

"Good, I've got a musical message for you." The dwarf twanged his harp sharply and Harry did his best not to wince at the awful noise.

" _His arms are so big and strong, they could easily lift me_

_"He could just pick me right up and totally kiss me_

_"If only he'd lose those awful hussies, and see that I'm the one_

_"Harry my love, please wake up and choose me, and we'll have so much fun!"_

There were more than a few giggles, especially from a group of first years that had exited the Great Hall at roughly the same time as Harry and his honeys. Among them, he saw little Ginny Weasley staring at him in a way that was rather frightening.

Parvati also saw her, judging by her angry growl. "Who do you think you're calling a hussy, you little tramp?"

"You're the tramp, you hussy!" Ginny yelled back.

Instead of pulling their wands though, both girls stepped forward and a slap fight began. Padma groaned next to Harry. "This is all your fault, you know?"

"What did I do?" he asked.

"She's your crazy stalker," Padma said, flinching slightly at the sound of a particularly loud slap from her sister that had connected solidly. "I might not be in Gryffindor, but I've still seen Weasley staring at you and drooling during meals."

"I am pretty irresistible," Harry grinned.

"You're a doofus," Padma snorted. "But you're my doofus, I suppose."

"Why aren't you mad like Parvati?"

"Because I've heard worse, and that crazy little girl is no threat to me," Padma scoffed as she waved towards the little redhead who Parvati had knocked to the ground and was now kneeling over. "One of us needs to keep her head so we can keep an eye on you. You get into way too much trouble, and it would probably be so much worse without Parvati or me around to look after you."

"You call it trouble, but I call it fun," Harry replied. "I should probably step in and stop this, but I think Parvati looks really hot right now. All defending her territory and stuff."

"You're such an idiot, Harry," Padma sighed.

A few minutes later the little Charms dude ran into the commotion and separated the girls. Ginny was sent off to the hospital wing to have a split lip dealt with. Padma took her sister off to the restroom to deal with a couple of minor scratches. Harry promised to save them seats in Charms.

Later that evening, he made sure to be extra affectionate with Parvati in the Gryffindor common room. Not only did it make her happy, but she enjoyed it even more as Ginny was glaring at them the entire time.

* * *

Meanwhile, a very cranky little redhead was writing furiously in her diary. And her 'friend' Tom that kept answering her was growing more and more tired of hearing about Harry Potter- his muscles, his hair, his eyes, his smile, all of it was enough to make a disembodied partial soul long for oblivion. The ranting about his 'hussy' girlfriends was even worse.

It made him lash out by forcing the girl to take a basilisk on a little stroll.

* * *

"Dude, poor Hermione." Harry shook his head once he saw what had caused the cancellation of what was to be his next quidditch match. Granger and an older Ravenclaw girl had become the most recent people turned to stone.

"I didn't think she was a friend of yours," Padma wondered, raising an eyebrow at Harry's concern.

"Maybe not a close friend, but I liked how she would get all frustrated and call me names," he replied with a grin.

"You do realize that she wasn't calling you a ruffian as a term of endearment, right?" Padma said.

"You say po-tae-to, I say po-tah-to," Harry answered, still smiling. "Who will let out angry growls when I do something cool and funny now? I was hoping to move up to scoundrel soon."

"Maybe she likes you because you're a scoundrel," Parvati chimed in with a giggle. "That would explain why she gets so upset by your behavior."

"Do you think she has a crush on Harry?" Padma asked.

"Duh!" her sister rolled her eyes.

"Everyone should have a crush on me," Harry added. "I'm awesome."

"You're certainly not lacking in confidence," Padma teased while smacking him on the arm.

"Excuse me." The trio turned to see McG had come over to speak to them. "Harry, I know you have a habit of getting into precarious situations, so I wanted to warn you in particular."

"Warn me about what?"

"This," she said as she set down a piece of parchment. "It seems that miss Granger was researching what could be causing the petrifications."

"Petrifi- what?"

"Petrification means being turned to stone," Padma answered.

"Correct, miss Patil," McG replied as Harry muttered 'oh.' She continued, "I believe miss Granger may have discovered the beast responsible for the attacks. Her notes are about a basilisk, said to be the king of snakes. Normally, the sight of their eyes can be fatal. However, we believe that none of the victims saw it directly, and hence, why we have luckily not had any fatalities. Miss Granger and miss Clearwater were found with a hand mirror. We believe that seeing its reflection was what has caused them to be affected.

"Unfortunately, this does not help us with discovering who the culprit may be."

"That's a bummer," Harry said.

"Indeed, Harry," McG replied. "This may cause you even more problems because of the fact that your parseltongue ability came to light."

"But I wouldn't pick on Hermione like that," he argued. "If I were to attack someone, it would be-"

He stopped himself before he started swearing.

"Perhaps one of your least favorite professors?" McG asked with a smirk. "I suppose I would be safe then."

"Totally safe, Professor McG," Harry smiled right back.

"As it is, we cannot rely on any of us being out of harm's way. We may have even more problems due to this recent attack."

* * *

Professor McG's suggestion turned out to be true when the board of governors suspended the headmaster. Now, Harry was celebrating this as he still thought Dumbledore was behind the attacks somehow, or at least stirring up the rumors about Harry being the bad guy, but most of the castle was less happy. And Padma was still telling him that he was wrong about Dumbledore being evil.

What was much worse, in Harry's opinion, was that the minister had Hagrid arrested and thrown into prison for possibly being behind the attacks since he had taken the blame years before. Hagrid was way too mellow of a dude to be attacking school kids. Well, at least not intentionally. Fluffy had been one of his pets, after all.

But Harry now had a new enemy- Minister Fudge the dumbass. And he heard that Malfoy's mum Luscious had been accompanying the minister when he came, which was just more proof about how she earned _favor_ with influential wizards.

Aside from inept politicians and evil prostitutes, Harry had one fairly normal week before things would get weird again.

* * *

Harry was sitting on a chair in the common room relaxing while Parvati sat on his lap and pretended to study the most recent Charm they were supposed to be learning. They were quite capable at distracting each other, and thus they didn't hear the commotion as McG strode up to them.

"Ahem!"

"What? Oh, Professor McGonagall," Parvati blushed as she climbed to her feet, making Harry groan sadly. "We were just studying."

"That is an interesting technique, if you have discovered a way to learn about magic through osmosis and osculation," McG answered with a smirk. "However, I must interrupt your work because I have need of mister Potter. Harry, please follow me."

"Right," he said as he stood up awkwardly. Parvati sitting on his lap was one of the best things ever, right up there with frenching. His favorite teacher led him out through the Fat Lady's portrait and down an empty hallway towards the stairs.

"We have had a very unfortunate development this evening," she explained as they began their descent. "There has been another attack by whomever our mysterious culprit may be, and I am going to need your help to solve this problem."

"I'm glad to help," Harry smiled.

"You do have your wand, I hope?"

"Uh, yeah, but I thought you might want me for more physical backup. You know, since Hagrid isn't around."

"That is not why I have brought you along," she sighed.

"Oh. So, I don't get to punch anybody? Bummer."

McG laughed quietly as they reached the second floor. There was a message on the wall about 'her skeleton lying in the chamber forever' and Harry was very glad that Evil Old Dumbledore wasn't around. He didn't want to have to rescue Padma again like he had the year before, and he knew that the headmaster had been somehow responsible for that entire fiasco. One of these days, he was going to prove it too.

"Ginny Weasley is the missing student," McG said as she pushed open a bathroom door. "Please follow me."

"You know, the last time I went into a girls' bathroom, I fought a troll," Harry pointed out. "I hope this time won't be a disappointment."

"With any luck, you won't be fighting anything today."

"Ah, don't say such mean things, McG," Harry grinned back at her.

"Myrtle, are you there?" McG asked, ignoring him for a moment.

"Yes. It's not like I have anywhere else to be." The ghost of a teenage girl floated out from one of the stalls. Now he remembered where he was- Padma had warned Parvati about staying far away from this restroom because of Moaning Myrtle. Harry cringed at how she openly leered at him. "Oh, you brought a boy with you this time. A cute boy!"

"This is mister Potter," McG replied. "I am hoping that he will be able to help me to end the mystery of the Chamber of the Secrets. But first, I need to ask you a question. Has anyone else visited you this evening?"

"There was a strange voice earlier," Myrtle confirmed. "It sounded like two people talking at the same time."

"But you didn't see them?"

"No, they started hissing, and then there was this awfully loud racket, so I covered my ears. By the time it was done and I thought it safe to come out, there wasn't anyone here."

"I see. Would you please find Nearly Headless Nick and ask him to join us please?"

"I am already here, Professor McGonagall," the Gryffindor ghost replied as he floated in through the door. "I hope that you won't find me too presumptuous, madam, but I was following along behind you once I heard that one of our little lions had been taken by some sort of ghastly beast. A plot from Slytherin house once again, it seems."

"I am glad to see you, Nicholas," McG said. "I would like to ask that you join me on my quest tonight."

"It would be my pleasure," he answered with a bow that made his head tilt about forty five degrees off his shoulders before he grabbed it and settled it back into place. "I am always honored to serve the noble house of Gryffindor."

"So there is a quest? Awesome!" Harry said.

"Your part should only be a brief one, Harry," McG added.

"Aww."

"Due to the nature of Salazar Slytherin as a parselmouth, I believe that the Chamber might very well be hidden so that only another speaker would be able to find it. That's where you come in."

"So, you just need me to like... open the door?"

"Indeed," McG nodded firmly. "I will handle things from there."

"But, can't I come with you? You know, like to watch your back?"

"Harry, while I appreciate your concern, I am first and foremost a teacher. I will not willingly place one of my students in danger."

"Come on, just a little danger?" Harry asked. "I can handle it."

"Just help me look for something related to snakes in here," she said as she rolled her eyes. Harry was a good lad, but sometimes she wondered if he wasn't trying to wear her out with his shenanigans.

"Are you sure it's in here?"

"All of the attacks have been very close by," she answered. "The writing on the walls has been right across the hall as well. As a snake, a basilisk could theoretically travel through the pipes of the school, which miss Granger pointed out in her notes before she was attacked. Thus, this seems like the mostly likely location. Now, look for something representing snakes."

"Okay," Harry said as he headed to the middle of the room. It hadn't been near the end where Myrtle had been in a stall. A small figure caught his eye on one of the sinks. "Professor McG, I think I've found it."

She walked over to where he was as he pointed out the snake carving. "Well done, Harry. Try to open it."

"How?"

"Try saying something in parseltongue."

"Okay," he shrugged. "Open up."

"That was English, Harry," McG chided him. "Focus on the snake and try again."

"Right, good idea." He turned back to the figure of a snake and tried to imagine it slithering and looking at him with unblinking eyes. " _Open up!_ " he hissed. The sinks began to retract with a terrible rumbling sound. After a few seconds, there was a large hole revealing a pipe heading straight down.

"I am going down there," McG said as she raised her wand and began to mutter a few incantations. "Nicholas, if you will, follow me. Should worse come to worst, I am hoping that you will be able to save me from a lethal attack. Mister Potter, you are to return to your common room."

"But-"

"No buts, Harry," McG insisted. "It is my job to see that my students are safe, and that includes you, young man."

"Fine," he sighed.

"Good." She turned back to the hole and waved her wand while yelling out, " _Scourgify!_ "

"Wish me luck," she said as she looked at Harry one last time.

"Good luck, professor."

McG jumped down into the hole. Nearly Headless Nick then nodded at Harry as well. "Don't fret, young man. Minerva McGonagall is a very talented witch, and I shall do everything in my power to aid her."

The ghost then slid down into the pipe and disappeared. Myrtle floated over to Harry's side and peered down into it. "That must be a long way down."

"Yeah."

"So..." Myrtle looked up at Harry with stars in her eyes. "You're the famous boy who lived. I've heard about how handsome you are, you know? But seeing things first hand is even more thrilling."

"Uh, thanks." Harry glanced between the creepy ghost and back down at the hole. "She didn't really expect me to just stay behind, did she?"

"That's what she said."

"Yeah, but McG knows me better than that." Harry smirked and jumped down into the hole. The next couple of minutes were a rush as he slid on endlessly- it was like a water slide, only without the water. And now that he thought of it, a water slide would be a lot better if he was going down it with one of his honeys. Preferably with the girl in a bikini.

That thought ended as he crashed out onto the floor of a rather filthy room. Harry saw a light off in the distance down a tunnel, so he got up and jogged after it. McG was treading carefully, and he noticed the floor was covered in lots of skeletons of all sorts of creatures. Harry pulled out his wand as he caught up to her.

"Blast it all, Harry!" she scowled at him. "I told you not to come down here."

"Yeah, but I figured you were joking. Why wouldn't I want to come help you face some terrible monster? This is going to be awesome! Besides, I couldn't just leave a lady on her own." He turned to Nick with a wink. "No offense, Sir Nicholas, but I would rather McG have another wand to back her up, you know?"

"I applaud your intentions, mister Potter," the ghost replied.

"Then, you will follow my instructions, Harry, or I will have you in detention for the rest of the year."

"Sure," he grinned.

"Follow me and pay attention to your senses. As soon as we can find the beast, I will deal with it."

"But-"

"Can you conjure a rooster and force it to crow?" McG asked with a rather imperiously raised eyebrow. "That is what is needed to deal with a basilisk."

"I could do it if you taught me the spells," he shrugged.

"We don't have time for that, so just help me find the monster. Nicholas, if you would, please be ready to get between either of us and its eyes. We'll be much better off petrified than dead."

"Because we'll be too hard to eat?" Harry asked.

"Indeed."

Harry nodded and walked beside her for a few minutes before the rocky tunnel ended in a sealed doorway. Judging by all the snakes surrounding it, his unique vocal talents were once again necessary. "See, isn't it a good thing that I came down here with you?"

"Don't be smart with me, Harry," McG answered with a hint of a grin. "I can still put you in detention for not following my instructions."

Thankfully for Minerva, Harry wasn't quite old and worldly enough to ask if she would spank him for being a naughty boy. That sort of teasing was still at least a couple of years away. She had a feeling that he was going to be an absolute nightmare by fifth year, and she was already despairing to think of which of the other boys in his year could possibly be a prefect instead. Finnegan was already a little reprobate, Thomas spent far too much time with him, Longbottom was frightened by his own shadow, and Weasley was horribly lazy.

Harry hissed at the door and it slid open. He started to step through only to be pulled back. "I told you to stay behind me."

"Fine," he huffed. "No one ever wants to let me have any fun."

They climbed down into a long hallway with stone pillars on either side with carved serpents everywhere. There was an oddly green gloom to the place, with more light coming from the other end of the chamber. McG walked forward carefully, and Harry decided to follow orders for once as he kept his ears open for any sound that might uncover where this mighty beast was hiding. He was still hoping that he would get the chance to slay it, no matter what his teacher might say. How cool would that be?

"Miss Weasley," McG whispered as they drew closer to the other end. There was a huge statue of a rather ugly old dude, and a small figure was laying on the floor beneath it.

"Want me to check on her?" Harry asked.

"Yes, but be careful," she warned. "It could be a trap."

"Alright," he nodded. He got closer and turned his small fangirl over onto her back. She was alive and not turned to stone, but she was also more pale than usual and cold to the touch. "Ginny? Wake up." There was a black diary lying next to her. With no response, he decided to try another idea. "If you wake up right now, I'll give you a kiss."

Still nothing though.

"Is that really appropriate?"

"I figured if she was faking, she'd definitely come to with that offer on the table," Harry replied.

"She won't wake," a voice said from the shadows.

"Who are you?" McG demanded.

"Little Ginny Weasley knew me as Tom Riddle," the ghostly figure answered as it strode closer to them. He looked like a teenager, but he was blurry and semi-transparent. "I can't tell you how glad I am to finally be free of the stupid little bint. Do you have any idea how much I've had to listen to her go on and on about him? She was unbearable. Over and over she wrote to me," Riddle motioned to the diary. "If I didn't have to be so convincing, I would have told her exactly how foolish she was. So determined to capture the attention of this brutish boy. I imagine she's going to be even worse as she becomes a teenager and gets full of all those awful hormones. Ugh!"

Riddle shook with revulsion before he continued. "I always knew there was something wrong with witches. It's one of the reasons I was always disgusted by the way the male students would lust after them. Pitiful and foolish. Of course, I was above such things. Humanity is disgusting. Why else do you think I was so quick to shed as much as I could of my original mortal form?"

"And turn into a ghosty dude?" Harry asked. "How is that any better? Besides, you really don't know what you're missing out on. Pretty girls are like the best thing, dude. That's why I've got two honeys, bro. LIke, if I had more arms, I'd have to get a couple more."

"This is all the magical world has to show of its great savior," Riddle sneered. "A boy who's all brawn and no brain. It astounds me to think that such a brat could have ever possibly defeated me, and as a small child no less. Perhaps I had been drugged? I don't see any other explanation for my downfall."

"Tom Riddle was a head boy shortly before I started at Hogwarts," McG piped up. "Are you telling me that same boy became you know who?"

"Defeated more than a decade ago, and still grown witches and wizards are terrified to even speak my name," he laughed. "I knew that as I became much greater than the wizards around me, I would need a new name. One that would set me above the cowardly, brainless herd. So, I came up with a new name."

He raised his hand, which appeared to be holding Ginny's wand, and conjured a set of glowing letters revealing his full name- _Tom Marvolo Riddle_ \- before he waved his hand and they shifted places to reveal: _I am Lord Voldemort_.

"Ooh, wow so you came up with a what's it called? Acronym?" Harry scoffed.

"Anagram, Harry," McG corrected.

"Yeah, that," Harry snorted. "You must have been a really boring nerdy kid. Like, Padma's a brainy girl, but she doesn't sit around doodling her name and trying to make up something silly. Although I did catch Parvati doodling her name and mine once, but I think that was just because History of Magic is really boring."

"You dare to insult me? I will have you begging on your knees before I destroy you Potter!" Riddle spat. "I will destroy everyone you know and love before I finish with you."

Harry turned to McG. "Do you think all bad guys have to go to a class or something? It seems like they always have the same rants and threats."

"I have conquered death itself, Potter," Riddle sneered. "You are nothing compared to my greatness."

"You're wrong about me, dude."

"What do you mean?"

"I'll admit, the muscles are pretty spectacular," Harry answered with a smirk. "But I'm smarter than you might think. For example..."

He turned and whipped up his wand, taking aim at the diary that Riddle had pointed out. " _Reducto!_ "

The curse blasted the ground all around it, but when the dust settled the diary was still lying there, completely intact. Meanwhile, McG fired a couple of spells at the ghostly figure, but they didn't seem to have any effect on him.

"Ha ha ha! As if a simple spell like that would be enough to overcome my enchantments. It is time for Ginny Weasley to come to an end," Riddle hissed. "And it seems the two of you will be joining her."

* * *

Albus Dumbledore was very angry. He didn't like being angry, but that hideously dressed buffoon from the ministry had taken his loyal henchman off to Azkaban, while the lovely young boy Malfoy had somehow convinced the other governors to suspend him. Now, admittedly, Lucius did seem to have some of those bad boy traits that Albus liked, but if he was truly under the Imperius curse, then Albus didn't have the ability to lead him back to the light.

It was too bad really, because Lucius was very pretty for a young man. Albus wouldn't mind seeing what was under his robes. Alas!

What made things much, much worse though, was that in all the ruckus of being forced out of his precious school, Dumbledore's stash had been left behind. So now, he was really jonesing for something- anything- to get his mind off his plight. He didn't even have enough gold in his pockets to buy any lemon drops! The world was truly a cruel place.

In order to try to fix his problems, Albus set about confronting the board of governors, where he learned that Malfoy had threated to curse them all. Perhaps young Lucius needed some rehabilitation after all? Dumbledore knew just the sort of thing too- a few rounds of playing _Headmaster sorts out the troubled young student_ should be just the thing to cure Lucius of this bad behavior.

However, just as he was about to ask Fawkes to give him a ride back to Hogwarts, the bloody bird disappeared in a ball of flame.

* * *

The being currently known as Fawkes had been around for a long, long time. It was one of the benefits of being immortal, after all. His newest companion was one of the most hilarious humans he'd ever met. Fawkes didn't always agree with him, and he often had to leave when Dumbledore was feeling 'frisky' but his open-minded approach to hallucinogens was far too much fun to pass up. And wizards got the good stuff more easily than normal people anyway.

However, the world clearly had a new hero on the scene. Harry Potter was amusing in his own way, and he did have that incredibly lovely young owl as a companion, so Fawkes was already starting to think of grooming the young man into his next great mortal companion. It was either that or prepare to jump across the galaxy to another planet, but sometimes it took awhile to find one that was inhabited, and Fawkes was looking forward to the next century or two on Earth. He had a feeling those 'muggles' as the wizards called them would find them out one day soon. That was bound to be too interesting to miss.

There was a reason that Harry's wand had one of his tail feathers. Fawkes used it as a beacon, but he first headed to the office and yanked that mouthy old hat off his shelf.

Sometimes Destiny needed a little help.

* * *

Riddle had started hissing something about Slytherin and there was this horrible sound of old stone groaning as it shifted. Harry looked up and saw something serpentine but enormous slithering out of the ugly old statue dude's mouth.

Minerva was focused on her task though. She conjured a rooster that looked confused as it pecked at the floor. This was not the sort of place a rooster belonged. She was about to cast another spell when sir Nicholas called out, "Minerva, watch out!"

He slid in front of her just as one of the beast's enormous eyes gazed at her.

"No!" Harry yelled as his favorite teacher was turned to stone. Nick too was out of the fight, his form now black and smoky. He growled as he looked over at Riddle's smirking face. "I'm going to make you pay for that."

"You might try, but I am going to enjoy watching you die, Potter."

Harry raised his wand and shouted, " _Lumos!_ "

The rooster looked up at the bright light, but apparently it wasn't enough to make it give off its famous cry that welcomed the morning.

"Pitiful," Riddle sneered.

A burst of light announced the arrival of a new player on the scene though. Phoenix travel is known for being flashy- _or stylish,_ as Fawkes might say- and the ball of flame was particularly striking in the gloomy surroundings. He then began his song as he dropped the hat onto the boy and began to fly around the room while being disgusted at the sort of place that dirty stupid old snake would willingly live in. This basilisk was truly far too ill-bred and gauche for polite company. Then again, Salazar Slytherin had been a rather ugly old pervert. He supposed that the nasty man's creation couldn't help the poor example it had been given.

"Don't just stand there, Potter!" the Sorting Hart shouted as Harry caught it. "Reach in already!"

"What?"

"Haven't you seen the old magic trick?"

"I don't think a rabbit is going to help right now," Harry muttered, but he did as it said. His hand felt something solid, and a moment later, he pulled out a sword that was clearly too long to have fit in the hat normally. "Sweet!"

"Indeed, now go make my old friend Godric proud!"

Harry nodded, his eyes still happily taking in the appearance of the silver sword with large rubies adoring its cross guard and hilt. The Thicc Daddy would be pleased with how pimped out it was. Harry took a couple of practice swings and then noticed that the phoenix and the basilisk were fighting each other, the bird seeming to be attempting to claw the snake's eyes out.

" _Hey you stupid snake!_ " He yelled out, the hissing sounding much stranger. _"I've got a bone to pick with you!_ "

 _"Is it a tasty bone?_ " the snake hissed in response.

" _Yeah, now open wide!_ " Harry replied with a manic gleam in his eye. He had a need to shove the sword deep into this monster that would dare to attack McG.

The basilisk lunged toward the voice, mouth going wide in anticipation of a tasty treat. But nothing succulent and juicy awaited it, only the worst pain it had ever felt as the metal blade penetrated the roof of its mouth and skewered up into its brain. A lifetime of a thousand years ended in that flash of steel.

Harry stumbled back as he pulled the sword free. The basilisk was defeated, but he still had a couple of problems to deal with. Ghost boy was standing off to the side, a shocked expression on his face. Plus, Harry's arm hurt like a son of a bitch- probably due to the foot long serpent fang buried in his forearm. Yanking it free, Harry turned back to Riddle with an angry glare.

"It's just you and me now, motherfucker."

He ignored the pain as best he could as he strode over to Riddle.

"You may have gotten lucky in destroying the basilisk, but its venom will still finish you off, Potter! And I am going to watch while-"

Harry cut him off by swinging the sword through the smirking ghostly bastard.

"Argh!" Riddle cried out, part of his smoky form disapating. "That won't be enough to defeat me, Potter!"

"Fine then," Harry scowled as he walked over to the diary. He lumbered the last few feet and fell to one knee. "If it was enough to kill the snake, then I don't think your little book will be too much trouble."

"No!"

Riddle's cry was cut short by a tearing sound, his essence being ripped to shreds as Harry stabbed the diary again and again.

"Damn," Harry muttered as he looked down at the wound in his arm. The bird flew down and landed next to him. "Hi there."

It let out a sweet sounding trill and then leaned over his arm. A couple of teardrops fell directly onto the wound. Within seconds, Harry could feel magic healing him, his arm no longer burning with pain worse than when he had done too many reps once when he was still getting used to lifting weights.

"Cool. Thanks, dude." The bird seemed to understand as it nodded at him. "Oh wait, could you help me for a minute?"

It peered into his eyes and nodded again.

Harry walked over to McG's stone body. "If your magic can heal me, can you fix her up to? This place would fall apart without her. McG's awesome. Besides, I was supposed to help watch her back, you know what I mean?"

The phoenix trilled happily and leaned over the prone form of the Transfiguration Professor. Fawkes had always liked Minerva, even if she was far too straight laced for his tastes. But she had started to let her hair down a bit thanks in large part to the muscle bound boy she was so fond of. Helping that bond become stronger was bound to be a good idea in the long run, for Fawkes' amusement if nothing else.

Thankfully, she had been about to cast a spell when she had been petrified, so her mouth was still open when she fell. A couple of teardrops dripped into it.

"Will that work?" Harry asked as he waited. Fawkes cooed happily.

"Where am I?" Ginny was starting to wake up, and a moment later she let out a shriek as she took in her surroundings. "Harry?"

"Hey," he said.

"Did you rescue me?" Ginny asked as she shakily stood up and came over to sit next to him. "Oh, my hero! This is just like in the stories! Well, as the damsel in distress, I suppose I owe you a kiss for today. We'll see what other types of rewards you might need in the future."

She started leaning towards him, eyes closed and mouth puckered in preparation.

"Actually, miss Weasley, it was my intention to rescue you before Harry interfered," McG said as she started to sit up. Ginny yelped and scampered backwards.

"It worked, cool!" Harry said as he helped McG to her feet.

She took in his appearance and gasped as she noticed the sword in his left hand. "Where on Earth did you get that?"

"Pretty sweet, right?" Harry replied as he swung the sword lazily. "I can't wait to show this bad boy off to my mentor. Oh, and I pulled it out of the hat."

He pointed off in the direction of the Sorting Hat. "Would someone please pick me up? This place is absolutely filthy!"

The phoenix let out an odd warbley tone as it disappeared.

"I have a feeling that I'm going to need to see whatever you did to believe it, Harry," McG said as she levitated the Sorting Hat up and then used multiple cleaning charms on the relic. "It is a good thing that the headmaster won't mind me borrowing his pensieve again.

"Miss Weasley, please gather the remains of that diary," she continued. "I have a feeling you and I are going to have to have a very long conversation about your behavior as well."

"Yes, professor," she mumbled.

"By the way, I think your wand is over there," Harry pointed in the direction of where ghost boy Riddle had stood. He shook his head- typical dumb villain, standing there and spouting insults and just watching while the hero foiled his plan.

As Ginny searched for her wand on the wet shadowy floor, there was another burst of flame as the phoenix returned, this time with a guest.

"Fawkes, my dear boy, I do believe you might have indulged in something without me," Dumbledore said as he looked around. "This is clearly not my office."

"Ah ha!" Harry pointed the sword at the headmaster. "I knew you had something to do with all this!"

"Dear me, mister Potter! What a fabulous sword you have," Dumbledore smiled as he walked forward, his eyes twinkling merrily. "And you know what they say about swords, my dear boy? They need to find the proper sheath to keep them nice and sharp."

"Albus, I believe we've talked about this in the past," McG scolded him. "You are to watch your language around the children."

"But, how can young Harry know about-"

"No, Albus, I will not allow it," McG interrupted him. "If you will excuse me, I need to escort my students out of this awful place."

"Hey, um, Professor McG?"

"What is it Harry?"

"Do you think I can get like a snake skin belt made out of this thing?" he asked. "Maybe a couple of purses for my honeys? I'm pretty sure Parvati would like that."

"But not Padma?" McG asked with a grin.

"Probably not as much as her sister, but I couldn't not give her one too, you know? That would be like... like, not smart. And I think Padma might like it too, she just wouldn't be as vocal about it as her sister."

McG laughed. "While I don't know if I should approve, you certainly do understand more about girls than some boys your age. For the record, you can do whatever you like with the remains of this beast."

"Really?"

"Yes, there are a number of old laws on the books," McG explained as she waited for Ginny Weasley to come over to stand with them. "Ignoring the legal mumbo jumbo, there are two main principles at work. First- finders, keepers. Second- as the slayer of the monster, you get the trophy."

"Awesome!" Harry's eyes widened. "Dude, I love going into girls' bathrooms! This is way better than when I fought the troll!"

Minerva couldn't decide whether to laugh or groan at his exuberance. Instead, she looked to the phoenix for help. "Please, will you transport us, Fawkes?"

It happily sang out a note and flew over to them. They disappeared in a burst of flame.

"Fawkes?" Dumbledore asked. "She stole my phoenix! That cruel old biddy! See if I ever offer to share a drink with her again. No matter how good her whiskey may be."

He sulked as he walked down the corridor, looking for a way out.

* * *

Fawkes flashed them up to the entrance way of the castle.

"Thank you, Fawkes," McG said before turning to her two students. "I believe our first stop should be the hospital wing so that Madam Pomfrey can check you over, miss Weasley."

The doors opened, interrupting her train of thought as Luscious Malfoy came sauntering over to them, with a familiar looking little elf dude trailing him. "Minerva, do you have any idea where Dumbledore is?"

"Why does that concern you, Malfoy?"

"It seems that there has been some problems with the board of governors," she said before leering over at the children. Her eyes widened when she spotted Ginny, and Harry stepped in front of the younger girl.

"Look lady, you shouldn't try to pick a fight with one of my younger fans," Harry said. "I know you've got this weird thing about sashaying up to me, but I'm not into older ladies, alright?"

McG couldn't help her snort.

"It seems your sense of humor is still rather pitiful, Potter."

"Don't snarl like that," Harry chided. "Your pretty face is your moneymaker, right? I'd hate to see you lose out on all that money you make that Draco's always bragging about. Actually, you know what?'

Harry began to take off his torn shirt. What was left of the right sleeve had some blood on it, but he figured that might make it more of a collector's item for his biggest fans. He didn't notice Ginny's moan of delight or McG's giggling as he kept an eye on Luscious.

"What in Merlin's name are you doing?"

"I don't like the idea of a lady like you having to work so hard in such a demeaning way," Harry replied. "I think you might make some good money by selling this souvenir. How many people can say that they own an official battle worn Harry Potter shirt? I wouldn't sell it immediately though- the value's bound to go up after my heroic defeat of the basilisk is made public. Maybe this will help you free yourself from your pimp."

"Did you say a basilisk?" Malfoy asked, her skin going more pale than usual. Draco obviously got his looks from his mum, but Padma said something about true albinos needing red or pink eyes.

"Yeah, it was awesome," Harry nodded as he raised up his new sword. "Check out what I killed it with. Pretty sweet, right?"

Luscious stared at the sword with her eyes wide and her mouth open. Harry was worried for a minute that she was going to try to kiss him. In order to fend off that sort of thing, he chucked his torn shirt at Mrs. Malfoy. She caught it but glared at him, before tossing it over her shoulder.

"Master has given Dobby a shirt!"

Luscious turned with her eyes narrowed at the house-elf. "I didn't-"

"Master has thrown the shirt at Dobby. Dobby has received clothes, so Dobby doesn't work for the Malfoys anymore."

Now Harry remembered the little guy's name- and he thought he was supposed to be mad at him for some reason, but the way Luscious looked like she was about to throw a hissy fit was too funny. Looks like all that tantrum throwing behavior was something else Draco had inherited from his mum. When she raised up her stolen pimp cane and tried to swat at the little elf dude, Luscious ended up blasted into the wall. She got up looking furious.

"You've lost me my servant, boy!" She pulled a wand out of the cane and pointed it at Harry.

McG responded by stepping in front of Harry with her own wand pointed at the interloper. "Give me a reason, Malfoy, and I will show Harry once again how to wipe the floor with a Death Eater."

"Yeah, please do that," Harry agreed with a grin. "McG's a bad mamajama!"

Luscious put her wand away and flipped her hair out of her face. "One day, Potter, you will come to a sticky end, just like your foolish parents."

"You know, I don't usually think that punching a lady is okay, but I think I might have to make an exception for you."

Luscious narrowed her eyes and spun precisely before heading for the door and fleeing with what was left of her dignity- not much, in other words.

"Did you see how she strutted out of here?" Harry asked McG, winking at her. "I kind of expect the girls to flirt with me, but not their mums. Draco needs to tell her to back off, I think."

Ginny punctuated that moment by practically leaping on him. Her hands went to work groping his chest. "Oh, my hero saved me from the nasty old Death Eater too! I'm all yours, Harry!"

"Miss Weasley, get a hold of yourself! Not mister Potter!" McG dragged the girl off of him. "We are going to the infirmary right away, young lady."

"But-"

"I will see you shortly, Harry, but you might want to go put on a shirt."

He nodded as the two witches walked off. Then he noticed the elf had draped the torn shirt over himself like some sort of toga.

"Now Dobby has the great Harry Potter sir's first official shirt! Dobby is the happiest elf ever!"

"Uh, that's cool I guess."

"What can Dobby ever do for the great Harry Potter sir in thanks?"

"Um..." Harry looked down at his sword and realized that maybe the evil old headmaster had a point about it. "Well, I killed this big old snake downstairs with my new kick ass sword. Do you think you could go use some of the snake's skin to make a sheath for me to keep it in?"

"That will be no trouble for Dobby! Dobby will live to serve the great Harry Potter sir's wishes!"

"Cool. Oh, and while you're down there, set aside some more of the snake skin for me too. I need to get some custom purses made for my honeys. Their birthdays are coming up soon."

"Dobby will get right to work!"

He didn't realize it at that moment, but Harry had just found a most shockingly devoted follower.

* * *

The common room had gawked at him when Harry returned that night, sword in hand and shirtless. Parvati ran over to check on him (and fend off any other girls that might start getting ideas) just before Dobby popped in with his brand new sheath.

The little dude did good work, which Harry praised him for, making Dobby that much more enthusiastic about taking care of things for the great Harry Potter sir. The next day, he would take the snakey skin with him to a Diagon Alley and find a nice witch who could use it to make purses for the great Harry Potter sir's honeys. Unfortunately, Dobby didn't have any money with him- but he remembered where the bad old master had stored some back at Malfoy manor, so he went to retrieve it for the good of making the great Harry Potter sir's wishes come true.

Nothing was more important to Dobby.

_Nothing._

* * *

Luscious Malfoy felt a shiver go down her back for some reason, the hair on the back of her neck standing up. She was going to have to go back to her hairdresser now.

* * *

Hermione Granger awoke to a brand new world. She was staring at the Daily Prophet as she tried to eat breakfast and process everything that had happened. The picture on the cover was unbelievable, but then she had noticed Harry Potter walking in with a sword sheathed at his waist.

"Hey Hermione, welcome back," he said as he sat down across from her.

She looked down at the paper again- it was the end of May. She had only been petrified for nine days, but Hermione just could not deal with the image of an absolutely enormous snake- measured at a record shattering sixty three feet long- and the obnoxious boy who had slain it. The same boy that drove her nuts on a regular basis and was now smiling at her, making her insides do funny things even if she was fully in denial about it.

"I don't believe it," she whispered, trying to force reality to be less insane.

"Yeah, McG said to tell you good work by the way," Harry added as he started loading his plate with protein. "You were right about it being a basilisk and stuff. I think she gave you like thirty or forty points or something."

Hermione blinked and looked back down at the paper. Ginny Weasley sat down next to her and fluttered her eyelashes at Harry.

"Back off Weasley, or I'll bust your lip open again," Parvati growled as she wrapped an arm around Harry's chest. She then set a purse on the table and smirked as plenty of eyes stared at it.

"What is that?" Hermione asked.

"My wonderful Harry had it made for me as a birthday present," Parvati replied with a huge smile as she leaned against him. "It's made out of basilisk skin- practically one of a kind! Well, two of a kind I guess."

Padma laughed and lifted a similar purse from her seat on Harry's other side. "Mine has a sapphire for the clasp though."

"And mine has a ruby," Parvati giggled. "Now Harry can tell us apart."

Hermione rubbed her eyes and internally pleaded for the world to make sense. "How?"

"It's all there in the paper," Harry said. "That Rita Skeeter lady, she was pretty great to deal with. I mean, I've heard some rumors about her being nasty to people in her writing, but she was a total pro with me."

He didn't know it, but several threats from a terrifying little house-elf about squashing a bug lady if she bothered the great Harry Potter sir had made Rita's disposition much more positive towards him.

"I think I need to go back to bed," Hermione groaned. "This can't be real."

"Oh, you missed the best part," Parvati said with a grin, even as her eyes glared at Ginny. "Harry came back shirtless after he had saved the day. You would have loved it, Hermione."

"I know I did," Ginny mumbled, a little drool escaping.

"The best part was my sweet new sword," Harry argued as he pulled it out of his sheath to show it off. He missed Fred Weasley's snort at Harry 'whipping it out' at the table, but several fourth and fifth years laughed.

Hermione stood up to get a better look and felt all the more like she was in some sort of wonderland. She gasped as she noticed the writing inscribed along the blade. "You found Godric Gryffindor's lost sword?"

"Huh, I guess I did," Harry replied. "I hadn't noticed that before. Guess I'll need to get that fixed so it says Harry Potter now."

"You can't do that!" Hermione yelped. "This is a priceless piece of history."

"Well, according to Professor McG, it's mine now," he shrugged. "Finders keepers, you know?"

Hermione sagged back to her seat and her head thudded against the table. "This can't be happening."

"I think you broke her, Harry," Padma chuckled. "Now, why don't you put that thing away so we can eat? I don't want to get any essence of basilisk in my eggs."

"It would be kinda hard to cut them up with something so long," Harry said.

"You can play with your sword more later," Parvati added before starting to giggle. "If you're lucky, maybe I'll even help you play with it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, in canon, memory Tom has enough of a physical form to be able to pick up a wand and make magical letters appear. Why doesn't he actually try to cast a spell at Harry? Obviously, bad villain lessons about giving monologues instead of actually killing the hero.
> 
> Also, Harry slaying the basilisk should be a really big deal, at least to the rest of the school. Thankfully, here he has publicist Dobby on the job!


	5. Year 3-- I Ain't Scared of No Ghost

* * *

"So, then I stabbed that smarmy little bastard ghost's diary over and over and he screamed like a little bitch while he like dissolved or something," Harry said, waving the sword around while he finished his story. "It was totally sweet."

"Well done, young Harry," Thanos replied with a deep booming laugh. "I see that you have used the creature's skin to make the sheath. A wise decision- taking and displaying trophies from your kills will remind the sheep of your greatness."

"Yeah, I had this little dude named Dobby do that for me."

"Wasn't that the creature that tried to prevent you from returning to school last summer?"

"Yeah, he's kinda nutty, but he got my bloody shirt after I won and he's been completely devoted to me ever since," Harry shrugged. "So I figure it's all good."

"Sometimes foes can be persuaded to one's side after you emerge triumphant," Thanos nodded. "Though, you should practice vigilance in case of betrayal. Any traitors must be dealt with harshly- mercy is for the weak and the foolish."

"Right, like Conan said," Harry agreed. That was the most recent movie Thanos had shown him, saying that it held many important life lessons. Harry liked that he now had another role model- he was planning on becoming buff enough to make Arnie proud, and he imagined his girls would like it if he ever showed up in a loin cloth. He already had the sword anyway.

"What is best in life?" Thanos prodded.

"To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women," Harry repeated with a smile.

"Indeed," Thanos chuckled. "That line was borrowed from Genghis Khan, perhaps the greatest human of all time. He was a warrior and conqueror, and you should heed his wisdom."

"I will."

"Excellent." Thanos stood up and walked over to the safe in his office- he had pulled Harry in there to hear his tale in privacy and to keep the honeys from distracting his young protege. From inside the safe he removed his gauntlet, now halfway complete. "Behold, Harry, the third gem I have acquired."

"It's yellow," Harry looked at it puzzled. "I don't think it looks as cool as the other two."

"Hah! No matter how powerful I may be, I did not create these stones, and thus, I did not choose their colors. Do you remember which the first two were?"

"Yeah, Power and Space," Harry answered.

"Correct," Thanos smiled darkly. "This is perhaps the most powerful of all- the Reality gem."

"Like, it can change reality?"

"Exactly," Thanos nodded.

"But then..." Harry scratched his head. "Why would the others even matter? Couldn't you just like... decide that Reality says whatever you want to happen and always win at everything?"

"To some extent, but the other stones are beyond its power to control," Thanos replied. "That's why I can't use it to warp reality to make the others just appear in my hand. In some ways, that's a pity, but at the same time, the end result will be much sweeter once I have finished my quest. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, it's like how I killed the basilisk. It would have been easy if I could just snap my fingers and have the thing fall over dead, but it was much more fun to get the sword and stab it and stuff."

"You are wise for your age, Harry. Come now, let us leave our weapons aside for the moment." Thanos stood up and waited while Harry removed his sheath from his belt. "I need to see how you have progressed on your strength and fitness training."

* * *

Harry was still smiling as he got off the Knight Bus which sped off into the distance behind him. He'd spent the day with his honeys, and their mum had warmed up to him a lot since their first meeting. It looked like she was working on her husband too, which Harry supposed would make things easier in the long run.

Parvati and Padma were somehow growing even more beautiful, although he wasn't sure how he could explain that- well, other than the boobs that were a lot more prominent than he'd remembered from a couple of months or so earlier. Mrs. Patil, or Priya as she had told Harry to call her, had joked that her girls were just beginning to blossom and still had some growing to do. Padma had glared at her mum for that while Parvati had blushed, but it didn't escape Harry's notice that Priya was very blessed in the boobs department. If his honeys ended up half as big, he'd be a happy man.

The only thing that could have made it better was if they'd had a pool because he really wanted to see the twins in swimsuits. Preferably bikinis, but he'd take whatever he could get.

The sound of barking broke Harry's train of thought. He looked to his right and saw a very large but rail thin black dog. "Whoa, dude, you look starved. Have your owners not been feeding you enough?"

The dog whined for a moment but came over and sniffed at him. It looked up and barked happily, licking Harry's hand. One second later, the dog transformed into a thin man dressed in rags. "Harry?"

"Uh, yeah?" He was surprised for a moment, but this wasn't really the strangest thing to happen in Harry's life. Maybe top five though.

"I can't believe it's you!" the man grinned widely. "You're so big!"

"Yeah, dude, hard work, you know?"

"Your dad never had half this much muscle," the strange man laughed. "Might have helped him win over your mum faster if he did."

"You knew my parents?"

"Of course. Let me introduce myself properly." He held out his hand and Harry shook it. "My name is Sirius Black, and I'm your godfather."

"Hmm, then you've missed out on some stuff, bro."

"Yes, well, I had a small problem with being thrown in prison."

"Really? Oh yeah, you're the mass murderer dude that was on the telly the other day!" Harry smiled- no reason to be scared since he had his sword right there, after all. He had worn it every day, and the Dursleys were keeping even further away from him for some reason. His hand slid down to the sword's handle just in case. "Am I gonna have to cut you, bro?"

"I would never hurt you, Harry," Sirius proclaimed. "And I'm innocent of the crimes they blamed on me."

"Oh? So, you got shafted by the man, huh?"

"That's one way to put it," Sirius growled. "We should probably find somewhere more private to talk."

"Okay." Harry scratched his head for a moment. "Can you turn back into a dog again?"

"Of course."

"Cool, then I'll just take a stray home with me."

And so a few minutes later, Harry led his new pet back to the Dursleys. Petunia looked outraged and Vernon started to get up and say something, but Harry tapped his hand on the sword and smirked before heading up the stairs. Once they were in his room, Sirius shifted back from his canine form.

"I'm not sure if I like the looks from your muggle family," he began. "As I recall, Lily never got along well with her sister."

"Eh," Harry shrugged. "I don't like them much either, but they leave me alone, so... you know, whatever."

"Well, if I can ever clear my name, then you could come live with me," Sirius offered with a grin. "I was supposed to take care of you if something happened to your parents."

"Good job so far, dude," Harry snorted.

"I... I have a lot to make up for, I know. But I'm going to try. For starters, I'm going to kill the real traitor before he can try anything with you."

"So, who's the real traitor then?"

"Wormtail," Sirius growled. He pulled a piece of newspaper out of his pocket and showed it to Harry.

"Oh yeah, that's one of my fangirls- Ginny," he grinned but then frowned for a moment. "And her brother that's in my year... Jon I think?"

"Notice the rat on this boy's shoulder," his godfather pointed it out before launching into a long story about how he, James Potter, and Peter Pettigrew had become animaguses during their Hogwarts years in order to keep their friend Remus Lupin company when he transformed every month as a werewolf. Harry thought that sounded pretty bad ass- werewolves were supposed to be really strong and tough, nearly impossible to kill without a weapon made of silver. He immediately started daydreaming about fighting one, slaying yet another mighty foe in his quest to be the most awesome dude ever.

Eventually, Sirius got through his point about how Jon Weasley's rat was a traitor and they would need to capture it for vengeance. Harry was down with getting vengeance. He suggested that Sirius come along as his new pet once it was time for the train ride and they could hunt down the little piece of vermin that day. Then he could introduce him to his honeys- Sirius was very impressed when he found out that Harry was dating twins.

Over the new few weeks, Sirius put on some weight and even got to take a shower on occasion when Petunia wasn't paying too much attention. Harry also talked him into shaving before the trip- he didn't want his godfather to look too scruffy for their moment of triumph.

He did have to stay at home on the day when Harry went to Diagon Alley to get his supplies, but Sirius was convinced to just take a nap that afternoon because he'd mistakenly tried to exercise with Harry when he went out for a run the day before. Even as Padfoot, the older man ended up exhausted by the time they made it home.

* * *

"Hey ladies," Harry said with a grin as he spotted the Patil family at the train station.

"Hi Harry," his girls responded in chorus. Their mother was smiling indulgently while Mr. Patil couldn't hide the scowl on his face.

"Woof!" Padfoot barked.

"Oh yeah, this is my new dog," Harry added. "He's still pretty scrawny, but I'm working on it."

"Where did you get him?" Padma asked while Parvati came over and let Padfoot sniff her hand. He started to lick it, making her giggle and Harry reached down and smacked the dog on the back of his head.

"Keep your tongue to yourself, mutt."

Padfoot whined for a moment, but nodded due to Harry's continued glare.

"He's just a dog, Harry, he can't help it," Parvati said with a smile.

"I don't know if dogs are allowed at Hogwarts," Padma pointed out.

"Maybe not, but I have a feeling they'll make an exception in this case," Harry smirked. "Let's get on the train and I'll explain everything."

The girls said goodbye to their parents and they all made their way onto the Hogwarts Express, finding an empty compartment to share. Once he had stowed their trunks, Harry turned back to the twins. "I'm just going to take him on a little walk before we get underway."

"Good idea," Padma said.

"We'll be here," Parvati grinned. "Don't keep us waiting too long."

"Right," Harry said before yanking on Padfoot's leash. "Let's go for a walk, okay boy?"

They went down the train, Sirius sniffing everywhere while Harry looked for Ginny and her brother... whatever his name was.

Just before the train got underway, he spotted his ginger fangirl talking to a spacey looking little blonde. Padfoot started to growl. "Hey, calm down boy. That's just Ginny, she's pretty harmless."

He pulled open the door and the little redhead spotted Harry and immediately pounced on him. "Harry! You came for me!"

"Uhhh..."

She wrapped her arms around him and immediately began feeling him up. Now, Harry didn't really mind, but he knew that his honeys would. Unfortunately, the third occupant of the compartment was an old dude who was going grey and had all these scars on his face. Now, that wasn't a big deal, but he had the most blatant pedo-looking mustache Harry had ever seen and that made him worry about leaving these girls with the dude.

He remembered what a creep Lockhart was, and Harry didn't want to deal with any of that crap again. Plus, Padfoot started growling at him just as the man stood up and pulled out his wand.

"Where did you get that dog?"

"Hey man, leave the dog alone," Harry said, pushing Ginny behind him. "Why is some weird old dude riding a train with a bunch of school kids anyway?"

"He's a part of the Illuminati Pedophile Conspiracy," the blonde said in a breathy voice.

"That explains the mustache," Harry nodded. "Stay behind me."

He pulled out his sword and pointed it at the scarred dude. "Leave the girls alone, creep."

From behind him he heard Ginny shriek. His ears were still ringing as the little blonde cheerfully announced, "Oh, it's Stubby Boardman! You were my dad's favorite singer! Are the Hobgoblins going to do a reunion tour? I'll have to get him tickets for his birthday."

"Harry, that's Mooney," Sirius said.

"Who?"

"Lupin, remember?"

"Oh right," Harry replied as he sheathed his sword and pulled out the newspaper photo and handed it over. "Check this out, dude."

"What?" Lupin was clearly confused.

"Look at the rat, Mooney."

"My god!" he gasped. "Then..."

"Little bastard framed me," Sirius growled.

"Oh Harry!" Ginny gushed as she wrapped herself around his left arm. "You keep a picture of me in your pocket? I knew it was true love!"

"Miss Weasley," Lupin said, trying to get her attention as she gazed up at Harry adoringly. "Miss Weasley!"

"Huh... what?'

"Which of your brother is this- the one holding the rat?" Lupin clarified.

"Oh, that's Ron and Scabbers," she shrugged. "I never liked the ugly little thing."

"Ron, right, that's his name," Harry nodded. "I knew it was something like that. Do you know where he is Ginny?"

"He's was with his friends a couple of compartments over." She got a big smile on her face. "Why don't I show you?"

"Uh, yeah, okay."

And so a motley screw filed out into the hallway. Lupin went first, Sirius (shifted back into Padfoot) came next, dragging Harry along with his leash, who dragged Ginny along since she refused to detach from his arm and the blonde came with too.

"My name is Luna Lovegood," she revealed. "Do you think your dog, or Stubby, will let me interview him?"

"I can probably talk him into it," Harry said. "Let us take care of business today first though."

"Then I will be in your debt, Harry Potter."

"No problem, dude."

They reached their destination and Lupin went in wand first. "Mister Weasley, I'm going to need to see your rat."

"What? Scabbers?"

Said rat immediately tried to scamper away, but Lupin froze him with a spell and then turned him back into a man.

A really, really ugly little man. His hair was missing patches, he had a terrible over bite with two huge front teeth, he was fat and looked like he hadn't slept in a week. Harry shook his head- it's pretty rough when you actually looked better as a rat of all things.

"I believe we'll need to contact the Ministry once the train ride is over," Lupin said. Harry was glad that he had kept hold of Padfoot's leash and yanked him back from trying to rush into the little room, but the hallway was pretty cramped as well. "I'll be taking this traitor back with me. Come along, Peter."

He levitated the ugly dude back to his compartment.

"I'm staying here," Sirius said as he shifted back to a man.

"I hope you can control yourself, old friend," Lupin replied. "It would be a shame if we can't get a trial to straighten all this out."

"I know," Sirius sighed. "I can't let Harry down like that again."

"Well, how about that interview then?" Luna suggested. "It's a long train ride, mister Boardman, and I'm sure the public would love to know what you've been up to all these years."

"I guess I don't have anything better to do," he answered with a shrug. "You see, it all started back in 1975. My best friend was obsessed with this muggleborn girl, and because of that, we started doing research on muggle music. It was hard to do from Hogwarts, but we were able to re-calibrate a Wizarding Wireless radio set so that we could get a whole bunch of muggle broadcasts as well. From then on, while we were doing homework up in our dorms, we'd also be paying attention to what the muggles liked. And that lead us to discovering Led Zeppelin..."

* * *

Harry walked back down the train to where he had left his honeys. Ginny was still attached to his side, talking about all the romantic dates she had planned for them, and he had given up on trying to interrupt her.

"What the bloody hell is she doing here?" Parvati screeched when he opened the door.

"Harry has finally revealed his true feelings for me," Ginny replied with her nose in the air. "You two hussies will just have to deal with it."

"You little bitch!"

Parvati stepped forward and slapped the redhead. As yet another cat fight broke out, Harry was finally able to extricate himself and he maneuvered past the two girls and sat down by Padma.

"Not going to step in?" she asked.

"No way," Harry said with a grin. "Look how hot your sister is!"

"Such an idiot," Padma sighed.

Harry threw his arm around her and leaned in. "Yeah, but I'm your idiot."

* * *

About an hour later, after she had driven Ginny off, Parvati was rewarded first by Harry first snogging her senseless and then getting a massage to relieve the stress. He figured that was fair- she had worked up a sweat, and her shoulders were pretty tight. But he wasn't sure why she needed a foot rub too.

Or why Padma was insisting that she was next. Maybe it was just one of those girl things that he didn't understand. He'd have to ask Thanos next summer. Or maybe Sirius- he had been pretty interested in Harry's honeys and tried to joke about what a playboy he was.

"Is it getting cold in here?" Padma asked.

"Hmm?" Parvati opened her eyes as she exhaled and smiled. "Now that you mention it, it is getting a little chilly."

Harry didn't say anything- only smiling at the fact that her nipples were poking out against her shirt. This day just kept getting better and better.

"Harry!" Padma yelled, breaking the spell her sister had cast upon him.

"Huh?"

"Did you notice that it got colder?"

There was a bang as the train lurched and the lights went out. Harry stood up and reached for his sword. He could have grabbed his wand instead, but let's face it, swords are way cooler.

A moment later this tall skeletal looking thing slid down the hall, stopping and opening their door.

"Hey ugly, stay the hell away from my honeys!" Harry stepped forward and slashed into the creepy grim reaper looking jerk. His fingers felt cold and their was a terrible shriek just before he passed out.

* * *

"Harry, are you alright?" Sirius asked.

"Boobies," he grinned as he blinked open his eyes, trying to adjust to the light.

"Sounds like he's just fine to me," Padma snorted.

Harry thought of getting up, but then he realized that Parvati had his head in her lap so he just laid back and enjoyed the moment.

"I'm flattered, Harry," Parvati said as she ran her fingers through his hair. "But do you remember that thing in the hall?"

"The last thing I remember..." he thought for a moment and then smiled again. "Was breast feeding."

"Well, sounds like I missed a party," Sirius barked out a laugh.

"Okay, maybe he's not alright," Padma said with a frown.

"Are you sure?" Sirius asked with a silly grin on his face.

"I can assure you that none of us were shirtless," Padma replied with a glare. "Also, who are you?"

"Oh, that's just Sirius," Harry said.

"Sirius Black?" Padma asked, eyes going wide as she pulled out her wand.

"Yeah, but don't worry about it."

"He's a mass murderer!" Padma shrieked.

"It's cool, babe."

"But-"

"I'm innocent," Sirius added.

"Yeah, see, it's fine," Harry said. "We caught the real traitor and stuff."

"But..." Padma looked over at how completely unconcerned her boyfriend and sighed. "Fine- but Harry, if you get me killed, then you won't get to spend any time in broom closets this year."

"I know one on the fourth floor that I'd recommend," Sirius interjected. "If you tap the third shelf from the top, the room triples in size and a bed folds out."

"You'll be showing me exactly where this broom closet is, or I'll disown you as my godfather," Harry said with a very serious expression..

"I guess I do sort of owe you."

"Alright, let's go back a minute," Parvati interrupted. "What is this about breast feeding?"

"There was this woman with red hair."

Harry found himself dumped on the floor as his pillow stood up and shouted. "I"m going to kill that little slut!"

"Whoa, babe." He quickly got up and embraced his angriest honey. "Not Ginny. I was really little and this lady was probably my mum. I think I was like a baby or something. But man, her boobs were enormous."

"Yeah, your mum was a total fox," Sirius said with a fond smile. "And she was really, really stacked while she was still nursing you. When things got bad in the war, I promised James that I'd take care of you and her if anything happened to him. Judging by the burn from the hex he hit me with, he didn't think it was very funny."

"Ouch," Harry laughed.

"That wasn't too bad," Sirius shrugged. "Not compared to your mum, anyway."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you see, we were really close friends, and sometimes I'd be over when you were hungry. So, she'd breast feed you and, well, I'm only human, Harry. I might have gotten caught peeking a few times. Lily would have your dad hit me with a body bind curse and then she'd slap the shit out of me once she was done taking care of you."

Harry laughed and shook his head.

"I think your godfather is going to be a bad influence on you," Padma groaned.

Parvati just giggled. "Like Harry could get that much worse."

"That wasn't the worst thing your mum ever did though," Sirius said.

"No?" Harry asked.

"Nope, see this one time I was over at your house. James had gone out for supplies. I heard you crying upstairs, so I went up to check on you. Now, Lily must not have realized that I was there. She had you sleeping in this little basket thing while she was in the shower. And she had left the bathroom door open. Just as I got there to pick you up, she pulled back the curtain and I got an eye full of your mum in all her glory. She banished me out into the hall- wandlessly, mind you- and came out wrapped in a towel a moment later.

"Now, you know how everyone acts like you-know-who was the scariest thing ever? Well, those people never saw Lily Potter when she was really pissed. She threatened me with castration, and to prove that she meant it, she used her wand to do the first half of the job. And that's why I only have one ball."

"So the moral of the story is don't ever make a woman angry," Parvati said, looking pointedly at Harry.

"Nope," Sirius disagreed even as he smiled at his godson. "The moral of the story is that it was totally worth it. That's how much of a fox your mum was."

"Well, from the pictures I've seen and the dream I had, I'll have to agree. It's too bad that this red-eyed monster dude showed up," Harry added.

"Red-eyed-"

"Yeah, then he hissed or something and there was this green light." Harry stopped and scratched his chin. "That's all I remember."

"Harry, that..." Sirius gulped and wiped at his face. "That sounds like it was you-know-who. You actually remember that night?"

"I dunno," he shrugged. "It was just a dream."

"Well, something of possibly even more importance," Padma interrupted and pointed over to a pile of black dust on the floor. "It seems that you killed a Dementor with your sword."

"I did?" Harry stood up and went over to the pile of ashes, which he poked at with his sword. "Was that the skeleton guy in a cloak?"

"That is sort of what they look like," Sirius replied.

"Too bad I passed out," Harry sighed. "Not even at school yet and I've already killed a monster, though. So, I guess things are off to a good start."

* * *

"Mr. Potter, miss Granger, please come with me." McG was waiting for them when they arrived at the entrance way of Hogwarts. "You can bring your mutt as well, I suppose."

"Woof!"

"I can't believe you've brought a dog with you," Hermione hissed. "They aren't allowed."

"Yeah, well, that one Weasley had a rat, and the announcer dude has a tarantula, so I'm guessing allowances are made," Harry shrugged. It was nice to have Hermione back around to get all fussy at him. She kinda reminded him of McG in that way, and he knew that he'd break down her guard & make her laugh one of these days. He'd already coaxed more than a few snorts and chuckles out of McG; Granger couldn't be that much more of a challenge. "Besides, Padfoot here is housebroken. Mostly."

Padfoot whined, but Harry chuckled as they kept walking towards the infirmary.

"Now then, I have private matters to deal with each of you," McG said.

"Ladies first," Harry offered. Hermione looked like she was torn between glaring and blushing at him- it was one of the most amusing expressions he'd seen yet on the girl.

"Wait right here then, Harry."

He nodded and reached down to scratch Sirius behind his ears. "I wonder what that's all about."

"Woof?"

"I don't know, Granger's the type where I wouldn't be surprised if she worked all summer on some huge extra credit project or something. The girl's way too uptight. She probably needs to be some guy's honey."

"Arf?"

"Nah, not me, bro. I have enough fun just trying to make her crazy. I think that yelling at me is bound to relieve some stress for her, and I do crazy awesome stuff all the time, which always drives her up the walls. You should have seen the way she was glaring at me when I was telling her all about how I got the sword and killed that huge ass snake and stuff."

Harry realized that the wheezing barking sound coming from Padfoot was how a dog laughed. A moment later, the two witches walked back over towards them, this time with the healer following along behind them.

"Am I to take it that you missed me that much, mister Potter?"

"You know I'm one of your biggest fans, Poppy," he grinned.

"Sit down on the bed, you little reprobate," she snorted.

"Do I need to take my shirt off?"

"Unlike some of the younger witches around here, I for one am not interested in that, Harry." As she began waving her wand around him, he noticed the way Granger was blushing up a storm. Maybe Parvati was right and she did have a little crush on him too. That made it even funnier that she was always calling him names and arguing with him.

"If you insist," he shrugged. "You know, if this is about that skeleton guy that I killed, the dude on the train already gave me and my honeys some chocolate."

"I'll have to thank Professor Lupin then," she replied. "It's about time we had someone who actually knew his Defense Against the Dark Arts around here."

"Hey, Professor McG did a great job last spring," Harry argued.

"Thank you, Harry. But I am glad to be getting back to Transfiguration."

"I mean, you're good at that too. It's too bad there isn't another of you- you don't have a sister or something, do you?"

Harry noticed Padfoot start rolling around on the floor, laughing again.

"No, Harry," McG smiled at him. "I have two brothers, but no sisters."

"Well, I bet they're alright dudes. You could get one of them to come teach the next time you need somebody."

"He's fine, Minerva," Poppy said as she finished her spells. "The children can be taken to the Feast. The dog, however-"

Padfoot started to whine.

"-is way too thin. I'd like to check him over. _Thoroughly_."

Harry nodded. "Sounds good to me. Stay here, Padfoot, and be good for Poppy. Should I come get him later?"

"I think he'll need to stay over night," she said with a smirk as she reached for a very large needle. "He'll need his shots. You can come fetch him in the morning."

And then Harry learned that a dog could faint too.

* * *

When they got their schedules the next day, Harry was glad to see that he had Charms, Transfiguration, Astronomy, and Herbology with the Ravenclaws and Padma. She had failed to talk Harry into taking either of her elective choices- the Study of Ancient Runes and Arithmancy- because they sounded boring and hard, respectively. Instead, he was taking Care of Magical Creatures and Divination, and Parvati had signed up for both as well. She had talked him into joining her for Divination, which sounded kinda iffy to him, but she agreed to join him for hanging out with monsters, so he figured it was a decent trade.

Even the book was a little monster- but Harry could be intimidating when he wanted, so he had both his and his honey's books cowed into submission.

Hagrid was the teacher that year, and that baffled Harry more than usual. Now, he did like the giant dude, but he had literally been sent to prison just a few months ago. It was just more proof that Thanos was right- the magical world was full of fucking crazy people. Judging by the headmaster's horrifying rainbow colored tube top declaring him a survivor of something called the 'Fire Island Disco Inferno, 1978' the insanity was on full display too.

Harry tried to shake that image off as they made their way outside to the edge of the forest where Hagrid was holding their first lesson. At least it was a nice day and he had Parvati beside him. In fact, it was too nice of a day, so Padfoot was being dragged along on his leash, although the dog was whining about it.

"Come on class, gather round," the giant dude's voice boomed out as he led them into a little clearing where there were a few of these wicked looking beasties- like a giant four legged eagle or something. Harry was wondering if he was going to get to use his sword again so soon. If so, this was definitely shaping up to be the best year ever.

Padfoot started to growl at the monster and Harry told him to sit and be good, which made him whine ever more.

"What is that thing, Hagrid?" Parvati asked.

"This is Buckbeak, and he is a hippogriff."

"It's pretty cool looking," Harry said. "I bet it could mess somebody up with those talons, right dude?"

"Aw, he's really jus' a big softie," Hagrid replied.

The screech that Buckbeak let out made Harry question his teacher, but he liked the big dude, so he was going to remain hopeful for the moment. Hagrid gave them a little lecture on hippogriffs, something about how they were proud creatures and you had to be polite when you approached them, giving them a bow that they would return if they respected you. It seemed fair to Harry- anything with talons big enough to rip a dude's head off deserved respect.

"Now, who would like to go first?" Hagrid asked.

Harry stepped forward with a grin. He knew this class sounded good, but this was already proving to be awesome. He handed Padfoot's leash over to Parvati. "I'll go."

"Good on yer, Harry," Hagrid smiled, putting an enormous hand on his shoulder and walking him over towards the hippogriff. "Beaky, I'd like ya to meet, Harry. Harry, say hello."

"Hey bro," Harry said as he bowed his head, keeping an eye on those talons. The creature responded by bowing back and Harry was then lifted into the air- he knew Hagrid was a strong dude, but he was still impressed by the fact that he did it with only one hand.

"I think he'd like to take ya on a little flight. Ready, Harry?"

"Yeah, dude."

Hagrid swatted the beast on its rump and it made a running start before lifting into the air. Harry smiled as the wind whipped through his hair. While it might not have been as smooth of a ride as his broom, it was still a rush. Plus, the feel of the monsters muscles propelling them with its massive wings was pretty cool too.

A few of the other students were cheering when Harry came back around and landed. He dismounted the hippogriff, and gave it a little nod which was returned before walking back over to his honey and his dog.

"Wasn't that scary?" Parvati asked.

Harry just winked at her and leaned down to steal a kiss. "Piece of cake, babe."

Padfoot barked happily next to him.

Their fun little moment was broken up when the whiny little brat Malfoy started thrashing around on the ground like he was being tortured. "Ah! It's killed me!"

"Class dismissed!" Hagrid called as he picked up the albino kid and headed for the castle.

"Well, that's a bummer," Harry said. "What even happened?"

Granger answered him. "Malfoy immediately started insulting the hippogriff as he walked over to it. He didn't even try to bow to it; he just kept muttering about how it couldn't be that hard if a 'muscle bound scarhead' could do it. His behavior is outrageous!"

"Look out Hermione, looks like you've got some competition with coming up with little 'pet names' for Harry," Lavender giggled.

"I ain't into dudes," Harry shook his head with a grimace. "But it does make sense. He's always following me around, trying to get my attention and stuff. And he does have two mums, so maybe it runs in the family or something."

"I might be willing to share with my sister, but I would not be willing to do so with a worm like Malfoy," Parvati replied as she frowned.

"You know, I think we could use a little cheering up," Harry grinned at his honey. "Since class ended early, what say we go inspect a broom closet before heading to lunch?"

Parvati smiled as she walked off on his arm back towards the castle. Padfoot followed along barking happily. Behind them, several girls sighed.

* * *

A couple of days later, Harry noticed a couple of odd things when he and Parvati got to Potions. Malfoy had his arm in a sling and Snape was sneering at the room as if he'd forgotten the last couple of years. He assigned some sort of nonsensical Potion about curing boils- Harry didn't even know what a boil was- and as if that wasn't bad enough, the greaseball decided to push try his luck yet again.

"Potter! Help Draco cut up his ingredients!"

Harry raised an eyebrow and sighed. He decided to be merciful though- he didn't want to make too big a mess for McG to have to clean up after all- so he didn't pull out his sword. His fists had communicated this lesson in the past. Maybe this time it would sink in.

He leapt to the front of the room and smashed greasy's face down into his desk, breaking his nose yet again. Malfoy was quivering in fright when he turned around, and he tried to get his arm out of the sling and reach for his wand, but Harry was much faster and seconds later the blond's nose had also been flattened by being rapidly introduced to the surface of the table he was supposed to be working at. The cracking sound wasn't as satisfying as when he did it to the sleazeball teacher, but the little albino brat didn't have nearly as big of a schnoz.

Harry had an awful feeling that he was going to have to continually remind those two annoyances to not be such arseholes the hard way.

On the plus side, it did give him an excuse to have a private meeting with McG again. It was always nice to see how she was doing. Of course, he was also still considering trying to get her laid even though the only new guy in the school was Lupin and his pedo mustache.

That... or maybe Sirius. Once he was cleared, Harry had a feeling that locking his godfather in a room with a bottle of fire whiskey and a woman would have pretty funny results. But at the same time, he didn't think he would want to do something so mean to McG.

* * *

Unfortunately, he saw Malfoy wearing the sling again at dinner later that evening, going on and on to this bored looking Slytherin girl about how he had bravely fought off the hippogriff. Harry got up and walked over to see just what sort of nonsense the little albino prat was trying to pull this time. Knowing they would likely need to keep him from doing anything too rash, his honeys followed along

"Draco, for the last time, I was there! I'm in the same class as you," the dark haired girl growled.

"What's with the sling, Malfoy?" Harry asked.

"I suffered a terrible injury," he whined. "Who knows how long it may take to heal?"

Harry let out an exasperated breath. The little ponce was unbelievable sometimes. "Were you born this way? You know, completely full of it? Or is it something you learned from one of your mums?"

"I only have one mum," Malfoy replied with a glare.

"Right."

Professor McG walked down the aisle with the greaseball hot on her tail. Like usual, she had excellent timing. "What seems to be the problem here, Harry?"

"I was just thinking back to last year, Professor."

"How so?"

"Well, after that idiot vanished all the bones in my arm, Madam Pomfrey was able to have me all fixed up by the time I woke up the next day. And yet," Harry turned to the arrogant little douchebag with a smirk. "For some reason, Malfoy seems to be trying to say she can't do her job. That or he's just lying in order to try to get sympathy or something. But I don't think that Poppy's honor or skills should be so rudely... um..."

"Besmirched," Padma suggested.

"Yeah, what she said," Harry nodded.

"You have a good point, Harry," McG grinned at him. "Well, Mr. Malfoy, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"My arm was... a savage beast slashed me!" he whined.

"First of all, I saw that little scratch, and I know for a fact that it was cleaned up without even leaving a scar within at most a minute from when you reached the infirmary. Would you like to try a different excuse?"

"When my father hears of this..." Draco muttered.

"Yes, yes, I'm sure Luscious Malfoy-"

"I believe you mean Lucius, Minerva," greasy interrupted.

McG winked at Harry and then turned to her 'colleague' with a scowl. "I suppose you have done plenty of business with the Malfoys over the years, haven't you Severus? Regardless, Mr. Malfoy will remove that sling at once and he will serve detention tonight with Poppy. I believe she has a number of bed pans that could use cleaning, and since Mr. Malfoy's arm is perfectly healthy, he should have no trouble in doing the work by hand."

"But-" Malfoy hung his shoulders and looked like he wanted to cry.

"And fifty points from Slytherin for insulting a staff member," McG added. "Now then, Harry, I think you should escort these two lovely ladies back to your seats. I've heard there's going to be a lovely plum pudding for dessert tonight."

"Thanks, Professor," he grinned.

* * *

Harry's other elective wasn't nearly as cool as Hagrid's monster lessons, but Parvati liked it a lot, so he tried his best to enjoy it. The day when they did palm reading was fun though- especially since that meant that he had a teacher's permission to play with his honey in class. She was shivering and blushing as Harry slowly traced his fingers over her hands, predicting that she would soon excel at a physical activity.

He planned on stopping by a broom closet once the lesson was finished, so it was very likely to come true.

Sitting at the next table, Lavender was sighing over how romantic it was. Meanwhile, Longbottom was blushing and wishing that he had joined Hermione on the other side of the room.

However, the first lesson hadn't gone so well. The hippy lady with all the shawls that reeked of incense had them start off with reading tea leaves. Right off the bat, Harry thought that was kinda silly- dirty dishes didn't seem like the best way to try to see into the future.

But when the lady came over with her huge glasses that made her look like some sort of demented bug, she leaned over Harry's shoulder and gasped at what she saw. "You have... The Grim!"

She wrapped her shawls around herself and backed away in terror.

Harry cocked his head to the side, wondering if she was going to faint. "Um, yeah, professor. I know. He's right here. Didn't I introduce my dog to the class?"

Padfoot woke up as Harry prodded him with his shoe. After letting out a happy little bark, the lazy mutt laid back down and curled up for another nap. Most of the room started to laugh as Harry was left to once again wonder just how many witches and wizards were nuts. Because it seemed like the answer was nearly all of them.

* * *

The Dementors had been recalled to Azkaban prison. By the beginning of October, the Daily Prophet led with a story about Pettigrew's trial, revealing not only how he had faked his death and framed Sirius, but also how he had been the one to betray the Potters. The rat was sentenced to life for multiple counts of murder.

However, due to the typical bureaucratic malarkey, it took another week before an announcement was made that Sirius was no longer to be kissed by the Dementors. And it took another week after that before this stern looking lady wearing a monocle showed up at Hogwarts during lunch.

"Mr. Potter, I presume?"

"That's me," Harry nodded. "What can I do for you, dude?"

"Harry!" Padma hissed at him. "That's Amelia Bones, the head of the DMLE. You do not call her _dude_."

"I call everybody dude, except for you sweet honeys and McG," he protested. "Anyway, what's up?"

"There are rumors that you not only helped capture the traitor Pettigrew, but that you may also know where your errant godfather is," Madam Bones replied. "We would like to get Sirius Black's testimony about what happened to him and then clear up his wrongful imprisonment."

"Okay," Harry shrugged. He stopped scratching Padfoot behind the ear and stood up. "Let me show you a couple of tricks I taught my dog. Padfoot, sit!"

The black dog sat back on his haunches and straightened up.

"Good boy, now speak!"

A happy bark followed.

"Cool. Alright, last one. Turn into a dude!"

A number of gasps followed as Harry's dog turned into the famous prison escapee who grinned at all the shocked faces. "Hey there, Amy. Long time, no see."

"Sirius Black, you bastard," she growled. "Considering the last time I saw you was when my brother was threatening to castrate you, I should probably follow through on his threat."

"Hey, it's not my fault that Edgar was such a stiff. Eleanor wouldn't have needed so much _serious attention_ otherwise. And speaking of being stiff..."

"I swear, Black, that if you try to hit on me, I will turn you back into a dog and take you to a vet."

"Fine, fine," Sirius said with a smile. "But if you change your mind, you know where to find me." He turned around to Harry and patted him on the shoulder. "Well lad, I'll be going for now. Now, don't do anything I wouldn't do. And remember my motto- there's no such thing as too much fun, too much booze, or too many women."

"Later, dude," Harry replied.

As the crowd went back to eating, he noticed that Padma grabbed his hand and was staring at him. "Just for the record, Harry- there is such a thing as too many women. Unless you're no longer interested in broom closet inspections, that is."

"Don't get mad, honey," he grinned back at her, kissing the back of her hand with a wink. "That wasn't my motto, you know?"

"Good boy."

"I asked Professor McGonagall about Sirius," Parvati said. "She told me some of the things he got up to back when he was a student, and she said there were even worse things that she wouldn't inflict on someone so young. So, what exactly would be the point of telling you not to do anything he wouldn't do?"

"I think he meant not to take anything too seriously," Harry answered with a shrug.

"Fat chance of that," Parvati giggled.

* * *

The first quidditch match of the season was kind of a mixed bag for Harry. On the downside, it took place during a huge thunderstorm, which meant he got soaked to the bone. For once, he had to admit that maybe customizing his uniform to be sleeveless wasn't the best idea.

On the plus side though, Malfoy got zapped by a lightning bolt and lit up like a cartoon. Harry was laughing so hard that he almost missed grabbing the snitch a moment later.

Getting out of his soaking wet clothes and enjoying a hot shower was a nice treat before the actual victory party. His two honeys waiting for him at the celebration in the Gryffindor common room was an ever better one.

* * *

"Alright class, I have something special planned for today. This lesson will be very hands on, so grab your wands and line up."

Harry was torn about that year's Defense teacher. On the one hand, Lupin seemed to know his stuff and he was going over all these cool sounding monsters that Harry would love to have to battle someday. Plus, Sirius had told him all about how they were bros along with his dad and stuff.

On the other hand though, he had that terrible pedo mustache.

There was this big warbrobe shaking and rattling, as if something was inside it. Lupin started talking about how this monster that turned into your greatest fear, and Harry had to wonder what that would be for him. Maybe Luscious and Draco trying to seduce him? That family was just so creepy and more than a little too obsessed with him.

Longbottom somehow got in the front of the line, and Harry frowned when the poor little guy admitted that he was terrified of the Potions greaseball. He'd have to try and remember to mention it to McG sometime- surely a school had to have some sort of standards about teachers acting... you know, at least sort of professionally? Then again, after that smarmy lying conman from the year before, Harry didn't think it would be wise to get his hopes up.

When Parvati's turn came, he saw that the boggart turned into a bloodstained mummy, and Harry wondered about that for a moment. Shouldn't an undead not have any blood left? Then again, maybe the blood was from the mummy's victim? It was something to think about, and he'd have to remember not to watch any horror movies with her that starred that sort of monster.

Once the mummy tripped over its bandages and rolled around on the floor for a moment, Harry took a step forward and prepared to deal with whatever would happen next. As it shifted form, he then saw himself...

Only, it was a very different Harry Potter. He was lounging on a couch in a shirt caked in crumbs and grease, a remote control lying next to him as he devoured a huge tub of ice cream. But the worst part was, not only did he not have any muscles, but he was even fatter than uncle Vernon and Dudley combined. The fat slob looked over at him and grunted before sticking his face back into the ice cream.

"Dude, come on, get your lazy butt up," Harry grumbled.

"Remember the spell, Harry," Professor Pedo-stache said.

"Right, yeah." He had to force himself not to reach for his sword and just gut this horrifying vision. Instead, he found his wand and tried to think of something funny. It took him a moment, but then he finally came up with it. " _Riddukulus!_ "

The fat slob version of Harry was forced to his feet where he started doing jumping jacks.

The class laughed along, but Harry swore to himself that he would never allow something like that to happen to him. The very idea of being anything at all like Vernon Dursley was bad enough, but no longer being a badass dude with his twin honeys and his sweet sword was even worse. He'd show that stupid boggart- Harry Potter would be so damn cool and ripped that the world would stand in awe of him.

* * *

"Hey, sis, have you noticed how Harry has been acting kind of weird lately?" Parvati asked one day at the end of dinner.

"Weirder than usual you mean?" Padma snorted.

"Yeah, but..." Parvati sighed. "He didn't even wait for us to finish eating before running off to work out more. Plus, he must have eaten like twenty pounds of meat."

"I know," Padma frowned.

"He also hasn't touched a dessert ever since that day with the boggart," Parvati added. "I think we need to talk to him."

"I just hope we can find him. You know how he is- I wouldn't put it past Harry to go do something dangerous in some hidden room that we've never heard of." Padma rubbed her eyes wearily. "Dating him is harder than it looks sometimes."

"Yeah, but just remember the perks," her sister added with a grin.

"You better be right about that parseltongue thing," Padma muttered as the twins got up and left the Great Hall.

They started their search up in the Gryffindor tower, and sure enough, Harry was once again using the enchanted space down in his trunk where he had his personal gym set up. He was drenched in sweat as he sat on some sort of machine and repeatedly did this sort of sitting motion- even Padma was too distracted to really pay attention to whatever it was called. Harry was shirtless and glistening and both girls's hormones were very, _very_ appreciative of their boyfriend right then.

Parvati moaned as she stepped closer, with Harry pausing and standing up to take a break.

"What's up, my honeys?"

One of Parvati's hands slowly reached out to touch his stomach, her fingers rubbing over the bumpy muscles. "What are these called?"

"That's my six pack," he replied with a grin. "Abs, you know."

"As in abdominal muscles," Padma nodded, absent minded of the slight bit of drool that was escaping her lips. "Very impressive, Harry."

"Thanks, babe." Harry shrugged for a moment and both girls watched the sweat run down his torso. "If I work hard enough, I hope to be able to get up to an eight pack by next year. I don't know if there's such a thing as a ten pack. That'd be cool though."

"Yummy," Parvati groaned as her hand slid further up his chest and began to squeeze his shoulders.

"Sis!" Padma hissed. Thankfully, she was able to control herself enough to remember why they were there. "We need to talk to you, Harry."

"About what?"

"We're worried about you. Parvati told me about your boggart."

"Yeah, fat lazy guy. Like that would ever be me," he scoffed. "I'm going to be so fit and buff that I'll win strong man contests and Mr. Universe and stuff like that. All will see my muscles and bow down before my might!"

"Uh huh," Parvati agreed with a moan as she was now behind him and admiring his back.

Padma groaned at her sister's lack of impulse control. Why did she always have to be the responsible one? "Harry, how much time have you spent working out today?"

"Five and a half hours. But there's still plenty of time before bed, so-"

"That's enough," Padma interrupted him. "You don't need to push yourself so hard. And don't think we haven't noticed how you've changed your diet, either. If you work yourself to death, then we won't be your honeys anymore, and that will mean we won't be able to have any more fun snogging times. You like broom closet time, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"Then I need for you to ease up, okay?"

"I guess."

Padma sighed. It looked like she was going to have to bring out the big guns. "Harry, you know we love you, right?"

"Well..." Harry blushed. Padma had never seen him blush before, but she reminded herself that somewhere underneath the muscle bound exterior, this was still an orphaned boy who probably needed more blunt and direct affection than most people.

"I guess I am pretty awesome," he grinned.

"Good boy," Padma said. "Now, why don't you go take a shower and get cleaned up. You can escort me back to my dorm and we can stop to inspect the broom closet on the sixth floor."

"Alright."

Once Harry climbed out, offering his hands to help both of his honeys get out of his fancy trunk, she pulled Parvati over to the side and glared at her. "You were supposed to help!"

"I'm sorry, but did you look at him?" Parvati giggled. "I just can't help myself around him sometimes. You know, maybe he needs help in the shower?"

"You are unbelievable," Padma growled.

"Sorry, sis."

"No, you're not," Padma replied with a glare, but her sister only giggled in response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Hope you're all having a good holiday season! Happy Winter Solstice, Yule, Christmas, Hanukkah, Festivus, Boxing Day, New Year, etc.
> 
> I originally was thinking that I might have all of year 3 in one installment, but I kept writing more and more, so I decided to break it in half (ish). I wanted to get an update out before the holidays and I haven't finished the rest of it. Plus, the idea of a twenty thousand word update for a parody crackfic just seems a little too strange. I should have the rest done sometime in January.
> 
> Till next time my friends!


	6. Year 3-- I Ain't Scared of No Ghost II

* * *

Once the Christmas break came, the Patil girls got a surprise as they were invited to a Hobgoblins concert. Harry was spending the holidays away from the castle for once, and Sirius couldn't wait to 'expand his horizons,' whatever that meant- he wasn't sure why, but both twins (Padma in particular) had been all sorts of cranky when they'd heard that.

The three of them had backstage passes for the show, so after the concert Harry led them down a hall where they were stopped by a burly bald guy.

"We've got passes, bro," Harry said as the girls fished them out of their pockets.

"Oh, you must be Stubby's boy, eh?" the bouncer asked with a smile that exposed a couple of broken teeth. "He was bragging about how you had two pretty girlies. Most of the lads thought he was full of it, as usual."

"My honeys are pretty sweet," Harry replied with a grin. Parvati giggled on his left while Padma just sighed.

"Alright, go on in."

They turned a corner and walked down another hall to where they saw an open doorway with a loud party clearly going on. Harry chuckled when he saw Sirius with a bottle of booze in one hand and a blonde chick sitting in his lap. The old mutt spotted him quickly too. "Harry! Come on in! Lads, this is my godson, the one and only Harry Potter!"

Several people called out greetings or cheers, and Harry noticed that most of the band had honeys with them as well. He was pretty sure they were all temporary honeys though.

"Floozies," Padma muttered under her breath as she scanned the room, clearly not impressed by the ladies, some of whom were only half-dressed.

Well, at least now Harry knew what to call them. He wouldn't trade his girls anyway.

On the other hand, Parvati pulled them over to talk to the band's bass player, a dark haired young woman in a very interesting black ensemble. His honey was mostly interested in the style of the skirt and asking her where she got those shoes, but Harry found it hard not to notice the black corset style top and the way it enhanced her attributes. Padma distracted him from staring by physically turning his head and snogging him.

It was too much fun for Harry to pay any attention to the fact that it was a little out of character for his usually more reserved honey. Plus, he was just lucky that she decided to make a statement rather than getting jealous. Of course, Padma had largely accepted what a dumb goofus her boyfriend was by then.

"Hello, Harry." The dreamy voice behind him gave him a little shock, but he turned and saw Luna Lovegood and who he could only imagine must have been a relative of hers- an oddly dressed man with similar long blonde hair.

"Hey dude," he replied. "Is this your dad, Luna?"

"Yes. Harry Potter, meet Xenophilius Lovegood. Father, this is Harry. While most famous for his exploits involving that Dark Lord fellow... old what's his face from a long time ago, I believe his best and most important deed has been helping to free Mr. Boardman so that the Hobgoblins could reform."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Potter," Luna's dad said as they shook hands.

"Yeah, my pleasure, dude," Harry nodded. "I really didn't have to do too much to help Sirius. Plus, I didn't know about the band or anything."

"He's oh so humble," Luna said with a smile.

"Humble?" Padma snorted.

"Harry!" Sirius yelled as he dragged his blonde floozy over to say hello. "This is Linda-"

"It's Lisa," she corrected him with a giggle.

"Right, Lisa." Sirius took a swig from his bottle and handed it to her. "Harry, who are all your friends?"

"You should remember my honeys," Harry said. "This is Luna and her dad."

"Xenophilius Lovegood, at your service Mr. Boardman." Xeno bowed deeply and smiled. "I saw a number of your shows on the tour back in seventy nine."

"You do look familiar," Sirius nodded.

"Ah, yes, you might have remembered my wife better," Xeno grinned. "Selene was her name. She told me that you had a crush on her when you were still at Hogwarts, living under your pseudonym of course."

"Selene Lynch?" Sirius asked and Xeno nodded in confirmation. "Oh man, she was such a babe! That girl had a set of knockers on her that were simply unforgettable."

"And an arse that you could bounce a galleon off of," Xeno added with a smile.

"That's right! How could anyone forget an arse like that?" Sirius laughed. "Where is she?"

"Sadly, mummy died a few years ago," Luna replied.

"Oh." Sirius sobered up a little and patted Luna on the shoulder. "I'm terribly sorry, young lady. Your mum was a very fine specimen. An exquisite witch. And the things she could do with her tongue-"

Padma gasped and Harry looked at her, starting to feel confused.

"Did you shag my mum?" Luna asked with a dreamy wide eyed look.

"Yeah," Sirius sighed. "She was amazing in the sack."

"That she was," Xeno nodded. "And so adventurous!"

"You're telling me," Sirius laughed. "Normally, I would have left when... you know...I mean, with another dude there, but..."

"You were rather drunk that night, as I recall," Xeno added with a laugh.

"Will you shag me too, Mr. Boardman?" Luna asked.

"I think you're a little young for that sort of thing," Sirius said with a frown.

"I'm almost thirteen," Luna pouted.

"Remember the rules, butternut," Xeno admonished his daughter.

"Always use a safe word?"

"Well, yes and-"

"Avoid sleeping with people that look like they'll give you a sexually transmitted disease?"

"That's a good one too, but I meant-'' Xeno tried to stop her, but Luna barreled on.

"Not everyone can handle the same types of kinkiness? Or, if you're going to have an orgy, make sure that you'd still want to sleep with even the ugliest person there, not just the hottest? Oh, or what about, don't have any babies while you're a teenager, no matter how much fun it might sound like to be the youngest and hottest mum around? Or-"

"No Luna." Xeno finally grabbed her shoulder and made her look at him. "Remember, always explore oral sex before you start shagging. And if a boy isn't good at giving-"

"Then he isn't worth receiving," she nodded. "What about girls though?"

"I suppose it would be the same." Xeno scratched his chin. "Avoid selfish lovers in general, I think."

"Alright." Luna turned back to Sirius with a grin. "Will you shag me when I'm older then?"

Sirius did a glorious spit take that thankfully only sprayed a bit of alcohol on Harry's trousers, mostly hitting the floor.

* * *

That conversation wasn't the strangest thing that Harry saw over those holidays though. Going on the road with a band was an eye-opening experience. He'd never heard of a lot of stuff that he saw, and Sirius was proud to help teach him about 'the finer things in life' as he called them.

He didn't end up liking the way the smoke burned his lungs, but the hashish did make him feel good in a funny way.

As for drinking, Sirius was amazed and proud of how much Harry could knock back before keeling over. The fact that he had started a growth spurt and was much more thickly built compared to his godfather helped him a bit, but the next morning was awful. From then on, Harry swore that he would never again touch tequila, no matter how much Sirius might try to sway him otherwise.

The one problem Harry had was the lack of manual labor. He didn't want to get too out of practice with his physical training. That's why he became the band's unofficial roadie. Usually, they could manage everything with spells, but Harry didn't like feeling lazy and hefting around instruments and equipment was easy for him.

However, Harry drew the line at groupies. He tried to get used to seeing topless ladies backstage without gawking all the time, but he didn't want to do anything that would get him in trouble with his honeys. Besides, the one time one of the bands' floozies tried to kiss him, Harry didn't like the way she reeked of alcohol.

There was going to be quite a bit of frenching going on in broom closets when he got back to school and his honeys though.

* * *

For the most part, the new year at Hogwarts was pretty uneventful.

Parvati had immediately glomped onto his side when Valentine's Day came and she glared at Ginny when she came over to 'say hello' to Harry. Even the little ginger fangirl wouldn't try anything when another witch already had her wand in her free hand though- the one that wasn't already wrapped around Harry's arm.

As they left to head to breakfast, Parrvati confronted him about the girl. "Why don't you do more to discourage her from being obsessed with you?"

"I'm kinda surprised there aren't more girls that act like that," Harry shrugged. "I am pretty awesome, you know?"

"She still pisses me off," Parvati fumed. "I'd like to slap that little bitch into next week."

Harry chuckled. "Can I be honest about something?"

"You can, but I hope you're smart enough not to ruin today."

"Part of the reason is that I like how you get all territorial and angry at her," he said with a grin. "It's really hot."

"Really?" Parvati asked with a blush.

"Oh yeah."

"Well..." Parvati straightened up her posture and smiled as they entered the Great Hall. "That's good then."

* * *

By the time the Easter holidays rolled around, Hermione Granger was acting a lot more snippy than usual. She had stormed out of the most recent Divination lesson, yelling at Trelawney and calling her a fraud, which made both Parvati and Lavender glare at her for the next few days.

Harry wondered at what was going on with his favorite friend to tease. She hadn't called him any funny names or even scowled at him since before Christmas. Plus, there were dark circles around her eyes, which were occasionally bloodshot as well. At night time, whenever she wasn't holed up in the library, she would always commandeer a table in the Gryffindor common room and bury it underneath a dozen books, reams of parchment, quills and other supplies- and if you dared to disturb her, she seemed likely to hex you.

As that blond fanboy Creepy found out, having to spend an afternoon in the infirmary when he bumped into the table and spilled her ink onto one of her books.

Now, normally Harry was a pretty mellow dude who didn't care too much about what the other students were doing. But there was clearly something wrong with Granger. She even missed a Charms lesson.

He found her at her usual table in the common room, fast asleep and drooling a bit. She was going to miss lunch too at this rate.

"Hey Granger?" he called to her gently. When she still didn't wake, Harry tried a little harder, placing his hand on her shoulder and rubbing it a bit. "Hermione?"

She moaned out and then shot up in her seat. "What time is it?"

"Lunch time, dude."

"Oh... is it?" her eyes were bleary and she looked around the common room for a second, clearly confused.

"Yeah, you missed Charms too," Harry added.

That little tidbit made her shriek and try to stand up way too fast. She bumped her knees on the table and fell back into the chair, but not before she knocked two books off the table and sent several pieces of parchment flying. "Ow!"

Harry sighed and picked up after her. "Are you alright?"

"Why are you being so nice to me?" she asked, grimacing and wiping a few pained tears from her eyes.

He shrugged. "We're friends?"

"Friends?" she scowled. "Even though I've called you names before? And... and I try to get you in trouble all the time but Professor McGonagall just adores you for some reason. And you're just so... so-"

"Hot?" he smirked.

"Infuriating!"

"Yeah that too," he chuckled. "You're really funny."

"You just like teasing me," she growled at him.

"That's pretty fun too," he nodded. "I think you need to lighten up a bit, Hermione. You look like you're trying to work yourself to death, and I wouldn't be a very good friend if I let that happen."

"You mean, because I wouldn't be around to tease anymore," she spat out before turning away.

"Well, not just for that reason."

Unfortunately, that seemed to be the wrong thing to say because Granger burst into tears. Harry sighed and put a hand on her shoulder to try to reassure her. "Hey, come on Hermione. Look, dude, whatever is bothering you, it can't be all that bad, right? I mean... everything's gonna be okay."

She stood up and threw her arms around him and began to sob into his shirt. Harry had no idea what was wrong with her, but he patted her on the back anyway. It took a couple of minutes before her crying fit ended, and then she pulled back and stared at him. He tried giving her a small grin...

And she kissed him.

Then she jumped back in terror. "Oh my god! What have I done?"

She screamed and ran off like a monster was chasing her.

Harry was still scratching his head when Parvati and Lavender walked into the common room a minute later. Lavender giggled. "It looks like Hermione's finally flipped!"

"Yeah," Harry shrugged. "I don't know what her deal is."

"What happened?" Parvati asked.

"First she was sleeping, and I tried to wake her up. Then we talked for a minute and she got all upset and started crying. I tried to cheer her up, but that meant she just threw her arms around me and started bawling all over me."

"Your shirt is still wet," Lavender giggled.

"Yeah," Harry sighed. He took his honey's hand. "Now, don't get mad, but after she was done crying, she kissed me. Then she screamed and ran off."

"She did, did she?" Parvati asked with narrowed eyes.

"Please don't be mad."

"I'm not mad at you, Harry."

"Thank god," he exhaled.

"Tell me exactly what was said and I'll see what I need to do about Granger," she said.

"Okay."

Harry proceeded to do what she asked, although he probably didn't get all the words right. And he definitely added in a few more 'dudes' than Hermione Granger would have ever said. Eventually Parvati and Lavender looked at each other and sighed. "I think I know what the problem is."

"Cool, because I don't have a clue," Harry replied.

"What have you noticed about Hermione?" Parvati asked.

"I dunno," he shrugged. "She's smart. She's always first to want to answer questions in class and stuff. She's always working really hard on writing the longest essays I've ever seen. And it's really funny when she gets all huffy with me. Am I missing something?"

"What else have you seen about her?" Lavender asked. "Or should I say, who do you see her talking to, other than the teachers?"

"I can't really think of anybody. Me, I guess?"

"Hermione has always been so obsessed with schoolwork and being the perfect little teacher's pet," Parvati replied. "I don't think she has any friends, Harry. I think you're the closest thing she has to one."

"Oh," he grimaced. "Poor Hermione dude."

"Yeah, that probably doesn't help either," Lavender giggled. "Don't you realize that girls don't like being called dude?"

"I call everyone dude," Harry said.

"Including me," Lavender muttered.

"Yes, but you call me and Padma honey or babe," Parvati explained.

"Yeah, why can't I be a babe too?" Lavender asked with a huff.

"But you're not my babe," Harry replied. "My honeys are my babes. I wouldn't like it if some other dude tried to call one of my honeys babe. I'd have to mess him up. But then, I guess I could call some other guy's girl a babe if I wanted him to take a swing at me. Only problem is, most wizards seem like wimps, so I don't know if that would work either."

Parvati interrupted his inane musings. "Harry, it's alright with me if you call Lavender babe, okay? She doesn't like being just another 'dude' to you."

"Alright," he shrugged. "What about other chicks?"

"Just Lavender for now," she replied. "I don't want to make Hermione any crazier than she already is. I guess we could ask Padma if she thinks there is anyone else to add to the list."

"Probably not Ginny Weasley, huh?" Harry smirked.

"Definitely not," Parvati growled. "That little tramp doesn't need any encouragement."

* * *

That evening, Harry was sandwiched in between his honeys on the couch when they were disturbed by a cough. He turned and saw Hermione standing there, looking at either girl but trying not to stare at him. "Could we speak in private please?"

"Do you mean with all three of us?" Padma asked.

"Yes, please."

"Alright."

They followed her out of the common room and down a hall until they found an empty room. Hermione paced back and forth for a moment. Harry thought it looked like she was psyching herself up.

"I would like to humbly apologize for my transgression against you," she said.

"Huh? What's a transgression?" he asked.

"It means an act that goes against a law, rule, or code of conduct," Hermione explained. "In other words, an offense."

"When did you offend me?" Harry wondered.

"I believe she means when she kissed you earlier," Padma suggested.

"Oh. It's okay, dude," he shrugged. "It wasn't the best kiss ever, but it wasn't so bad that I was offended by it."

Hermione blushed and looked away. She really was a funny chick.

"I think she means that Padma and I might have been offended by the fact that she kissed our boyfriend," Parvati said with a groan.

"Oh, right," Harry nodded. "Sorry, my bad, babe."

"I trust it won't happen again," Padma added with a glare.

"Certainly not," Hermione agreed. "In my defense, I would like to plead temporary insanity. I have clearly been overworked, under too much stress, and not sleeping enough. I assure you, I won't try to cause any such problems in the future."

The twins looked between each other for a moment before Padma nodded at her sister. Parvati stepped forward and offered her hand. "As long as it won't happen again, I believe we can move beyond this."

"Thank you," Hermione replied as she shook her hand and then Padma's. She looked at Harry for a second, blushed again, and then hurried out the door.

"You were right, sis," Padma sighed.

"Ha! Told you so," Parvati preened.

"What are you two talking about?" Harry asked.

"Hermione has a huge crush on you," Parvati snorted. "That's why she gets all upset and crazy around you sometimes."

"Oh." He thought to himself for a moment- and an image of McG flashed through his head and then he had a wonderful idea. "Why don't my lovely honeys see about setting her up with some other dude? You know, so she can like chill out and stuff."

"That could be fun," Parvati giggled.

"It could be difficult, you mean," Padma added. "She's really anti-social."

"I'll need your help, of course," Parvati replied. "Get me a breakdown of all the guys in Ravenclaw and I'll see what I can work with."

"You want a brainy dude for her?" Harry frowned then nodded. "Good thinking, babe."

"What about the other Gryffindors?" Padma asked.

"Neville is the only one that she gets along with at all, and trying to get someone as shy as him to hit on a girl is obviously not going to work," Parvati said. "Lavender and I will try to help her in other ways too. Normally, she wouldn't want to spend much time in the dorms listening to us, but I might be able to use today to force her to stick around and pay attention to things like cosmetic charms. With that messy hair, she needs it."

* * *

The next day, Harry stopped by McG's office.

"Hello, Harry. What can I do for you today?"

"Hi," he grinned as he stepped inside. "I just wanted you to know that I hadn't forgotten about you this year."

"What do you mean by that?"

If his professor looked worried, Harry didn't pay it any mind. "Like, you know how I tried to set you up with dudes the last couple of years? This year, the only new guy around is Lupin. But I think we all know that he's only into younger ladies. The pervert."

"Is there something I should be aware of?" McG asked with a frown. "I haven't heard of any illicit behavior from Remus."

"You must have seen that mustache!" Harry groaned. "He's got pedophile written all over his face with that thing."

McG sighed. "I see you've met miss Lovegood. No matter what sort of nonsense the Quibbler might publish, there is no such things as an Illuminati Pedophile Conspiracy."

"They've got you fooled too!" Harry gasped.

"Mr. Potter, please sit down." McG glared at him until he did as she asked. "Now then, do you have any actual proof of Professor Lupin doing something he shouldn't?"

"I could tell you some of the stories I've heard from Sirius," he shrugged. "Or the way he was leering at Sirius' cousin Tonks over the holidays. She's only like nineteen or twenty, but he's like a million or something. That's not cool."

"Harry," McG sighed again. "You should realize that Sirius Black and Remus Lupin are the same age. They were dorm mates with your father, after all."

"I don't know." He shook his head slowly. "Sirius is cool and fun, and Lupin is all mopey and stuff. Plus, he's got grey hair. And don't forget that crime of nature on his upper lip!"

McG put her face in her hands. Harry knew the truth, though. She just didn't want him to see her laughing too hard.

"Harry," she sighed. "Thank you for not trying to set me up with Professor Lupin."

"You're welcome," he grinned. "But next year, we'll see if there are any good candidates."

McG groaned and chased him out of her office. He really was an incorrigible boy. And yet, though misguided, it was rather sweet of him at the same time.

* * *

"Hi Harry!"

He wasn't sure what her name was, but she was a very pretty, petite, Asian girl from Ravenclaw. And that was the fourth straight day where she had greeted him, smiled, and tossed her hair over her shoulder before strutting away.

As he sat down between his honeys for lunch, Harry pointed her out to Padma. "Who is that chick?"

"Cho Chang. Why?"

"I dunno," he shrugged. "She keeps like... smiling at me and stuff. Which, you know, makes sense cause I am awesome, but it's a little bit like Ginny Weasley does. In fact, I don't think I had noticed her before this last week. She isn't in our classes, is she?"

"No, she's a fourth year," Padma answered as she sent a glare across the room.

"Maybe she's hoping to throw Harry off his game," Parvati giggled. "We do have the last quidditch match coming up this weekend, and whoever wins will take the cup. As if a little flirting could rattle our big strong boyfriend. The silly witch should know you get a ton of that."

"We should try an experiment," Padma suggested.

"Like what?"

"Tonight, at dinner, I want you to sit at the Ravenclaw table," Padma explained. "Parvati and I will be a couple of minutes late. I want to see if she tries anything else when she thinks we aren't watching."

"Um, okay babe."

* * *

Harry thought it was kinda odd, but he trusted his brainy honey to know what she was doing. Plans weren't really his thing anyway, but if the girls were happy, then he figured that everything was cool.

"Hello Harry Potter." Luna Lovegood sat down across the table from him and gave him a dreamy little smile. "Have you heard from Stubby lately?"

"Not in a month or two," he replied. "The tour was going well, and they were headed to some place called Thailand that he said has really great strip clubs."

"I suppose that discounts the trouble they had in Amsterdam," Luna sighed. "I hope I'm never banned from that country. It sounds like a wonderful place."

"Eh, Sirius said it wasn't a big deal," Harry shrugged. "He said they banned him back in seventy seven because of something having to do with two poodles, an undercover auror in lingerie, and a giant vat of chocolate. But he said it was all a case of mistaken identity, so it didn't stick."

"He can always blame it on his evil cousin, that dastardly Sirius Black fellow."

"Yeah, I guess so." Harry took another bite of his steak and smiled. "Hey, is it true that Lupin is scared of you? I heard when he tried the boggart lesson that he like freaked out and ran away from you or something."

"His boggart is the moon," she said with a nod, "and the moon's proper name is Luna. So, there is that. Plus, he screamed when he saw my boggart. Of course, everyone else in the class screamed too, but I thought they were missing the point. Mr. Cthulhu's appearance isn't the problem; it's trying to clean the messy leavings out of his tentacles after he's eaten a boat full of sailors. Especially when he won't quit giggling because he says that it tickles."

"Yeah, messy stuff can be pretty annoying."

"You'll have to excuse me, Harry," Luna said as she stood up. "I don't want to interfere in the sting operation. Tell your girlfriends I said hello."

"Okay, later dude."

Just as she left, the seats on either side of him were taken by Cho and some redheaded girl that he didn't recognize. "Hi Harry!"

"Hey."

"I'm Cho and this is Marietta." They both smiled at him, but only Cho placed her hand on his arm.

"It's a pleasure to finally get to properly introduce ourselves. You're usually so busy, occupied with other things," Marietta said.

"But now that we've got your attention, I was hoping to ask you a couple of questions," Choa added. "You don't mind if I get a little personal, do you?"

"Uh, I guess not. What's up?"

"Have you ever thought of dating an older woman?"

"I don't think that's really my thing," he shook his head. "I mean, I like McG, but not like that, you know? And when Draco's mum was trying to get all up in my business, that really wasn't cool either. I wish that creepy chick would just stay the hell away from me."

"I didn't mean that much older," Cho giggled and tossed her hair again.

Harry wondered if that was supposed to mean something in the mysterious ways of chicks. He'd need to try to remember to ask his honeys.

"I meant someone younger than a professor," she added with a grin as she leaned in closer. "Someone like me."

"Uh..."

"Or, since you seem to prefer having two girls at a time, I convinced Marietta that we could share you," she finished her statement by practically whispering in his ear. "What do you say, Harry?"

"I don't think my honeys would like that," he replied. Not that these two weren't good looking, but he had a feeling that a fight might be breaking out soon, and he was hoping that Padma might get all hot and bothered and let loose on these girls like how Parvati would get when Ginny started getting particularly crazy.

"They aren't here right now," Cho said quietly, once again getting all breathy in his ear. "You don't have to pretend with us."

"Um, Cho," Marietta said, her eyes wide.

"What?"

"Get away from my boyfriend," Padma growled. Cho let go of his arm and backed off, which allowed Harry to turn and get a good look at her. Padma looked super pissed, like her eyes would shoot lasers at Cho and burn her to ashes. His guess had been right- it was totally hot.

Unfortunately, it also wasn't the best time for a catfight. He was still eating for one thing, and he didn't want his honeys' meal ruined either, so Harry stood up. "Hey my babes, there you two are!"

Parvati looked more amused than anything, grinning at her sister's jealous streak finally coming out. Harry stepped over in between Padma and Cho and swept her backwards in his arms to give her a very deep kiss right in the middle of the Great Hall. Not only did it bring out a number of whistles and catcalls, but it left Padma unbalanced, literally. It broke her from her rage-filled mood as well.

"Maybe we shouldn't sit at Ravenclaw tonight," Parvati suggested.

"Works for me," Harry agreed.

"Fine." Padma turned to glare at Cho again. "Don't think this is over, skank."

A couple of minutes later, when they had found a place to sit at the Gryffindor table, Parvati started to laugh. "Okay, Harry, now I totally get it- what you were saying about how you like it when Weasley makes me mad. I can hardly believe the way Padma was acting back there."

"You haven't heard practically all the boys in Gryffindor talking about how Ginny Weasley is the prettiest girl in the school," Padma grumbled. "It's not even their opinions that bug me; it's having to watch several different guys act like complete morons trying to get Chang's attention. I swear, it's like Corner and Goldstein are having a contest at who can be the biggest prat sometimes. I thought she was going out with Davies anyway. That bitch needs to stay the hell away from Harry."

"Sounds good to me," he said. "There aren't any girls prettier than my sweet honeys anyway."

"I think I'll have to hang out with Lavender tonight," Parvati giggled and patted him on the shoulder. "I think my sister will need you to help her unwind later."

"I can do that," Harry grinned. He started to rubbing soothing circles on Padma's back and leaned in to whisper to her. "Don't worry about other girls, babe. I'll help get rid of all that stress, after we eat."

Padma blushed, nodded, and started preparing herself a plate of food.

* * *

By the time the big Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw match arrived, Padma was as angry as she'd ever been. Cho Chang had been continually shooting flirtatious glances and winks at Harry all week long. Sitting beside her sister in the stands, Padma could feel her blood pressure starting to spike as the little Chinese slut flew near Harry and giggled at him just before the quaffle was released and things got underway.

Rooting against her own house was unusual, but most people seemed to realize it was because of her boyfriend and gave Padma a pass. However, that day in particular, she was hoping the Ravenclaw team would be embarrassed- preferably with Chang getting slammed into the ground and smashing that pretty little face of hers.

"Calm down, sis," Parvati said to her. "I think I can hear you grinding your teeth already."

"Just look at that fucking whore!" Padma hissed. "She's like, _'tee hee, Harry, maybe after the match we could play a different game. I could show you my quaffles.'_ I think I'd like to gut her like a fish."

Parvati snorted. "You should save that sort of thing for when Harry's around. He'd think it was totally hot, and then you could end up getting snogged until you couldn't think straight. But right now, you need to just try to relax. Harry won't lose just because a girl flirts with him. We've got him better trained than that, don't you think?"

"I guess," Padma sighed. "There's just something about Chang that really rubs me the wrong way."

"I get it." Her sister gave her a side hug. "At least you can come celebrate with Gryffindor after we win."

"That's true." Both girls cheered as Katie Bell scored the first goal. "Did you know that Terry Boot called me a traitor earlier?"

"Psh," Parvati waved it off. "He's just jealous because Harry won't snog him."

"What!?"

"Oh, you didn't know?" Parvati giggled. "It isn't just girls that stare at Harry. I've caught three different guys ogling him as well."

"Really? Who were the other two?" Padma asked.

Realizing that her sister was joining in on the gossip for once, Parvati's smile grew enormous and Lavender started giggling from her other side. "Well, there's Draco, but I think we've all wondered about him. As Harry says, he does seem to try to get his attention a lot."

"I'll say he does," Lavender added with a laugh.

"Who's the third?"

"An older boy in Hufflepuff. I don't know his name," Parvati shrugged.

Lavender piped up, "Gabriel Truman. He's a seventh year. Can you imagine? Lusting after a younger boy like that!"

All three of them giggled.

One of the Weasleys sent a bludger that rocketed just past Chang.

"So close," Padma moaned.

"Maybe you should try to channel your anger," Lavender suggested. "Focus it into something else, you know?"

"That's not a bad idea," she nodded. "Thanks."

Padma thought for a few minutes as the match continued. Chang kept trying to block Harry's path, and after the third time, he just started buzzing right past her. He nearly knocked her over once, and Padma's face burst into a huge smile. He really was a good boyfriend, even when he could be a goofy idiot at times.

Harry wasn't the problem- the broom riding slut was.

But after a little while, Padma got an idea. She excused herself from the stands, supposedly to go use the restroom. Once she was safely away from the crowd and alone, Padma called out, "Dobby?"

A loud pop announced the house-elf's appearance. He had an excited smile on his face. "What can Dobby do for the Great Harry Potter sir's pretty honey?"

"Did he tell you to call me that?"

"The Great Harry Potter sir always calls his honeys pretty," Dobby answered. "And Dobby does as the Great Harry Potter sir would!"

"Alright." Padma took a deep breath. "I was hoping you could get Harry's invisibility cloak and bring it to me."

"Miss honey isn't going to do anything bad to the Great Harry Potter sir, is she?"

"Of course not. I'm going to do something to an evil witch who won't stop bothering Harry. She needs to learn a lesson. We don't want people bothering Harry, do we Dobby?"

"No! We must protect the Great Harry Potter sir from evil witches! Dobby will help miss honey!"

* * *

Sure enough, Harry eventually caught sight of the snitch and out flew Chang to lead Gryffindor to a decisive victory. They were once again quidditch champions.

Padma told her sister that she had an errand to run, and she quickly sneaked off towards the Ravenclaw locker rooms. While hiding under the cloak, she cast a Confundus charm on Chang just as she was about to leave. As the girl went back inside for something that she seemed to have forgotten, Padma followed her in.

The rest of the team had left. Cho sat down in front of her locker and frowned. What was it she was looking for? Maybe she should go soak in the shower and relax for awhile?

Padma waited as her prey got undressed and went back to the shower. If anyone had seen the look in her eyes, no girl would ever think of trying to steal Harry away again.

Cho turned the water on. She was facing the wall.

Padma was standing far enough away to stay dry. She removed the cloak and pointed her wand at Chang. "Turn around, bitch."

"What? Agh!" Chang yelped. Her hands instinctively went to cover herself.

"I bet you wouldn't be acting so shy if Harry were here, would you slut?" Padma glared at her.

"What do you want?"

"This will be your last warning," Padma hissed. "Stay the fuck away from Harry. Otherwise, you may just find yourself bound and naked down in the dungeons. Who knows, someone might even put a little bow on you before leaving detailed instructions for the nastiest Slytherin boys to find you. I'm sure Flint would enjoy that."

Cho gulped. "I'll leave him alone. I promise."

"That's what I thought."

Padma used a _Lumos Maxima_ to disorient her prey and threw the cloak back over herself. Best to always dazzle your foes, she thought with a grin. Chang would be a lot less likely to try anything if she had no idea how she'd been able to sneak up on her like that.

* * *

The party was in full swing by the time Padma joined Harry and her sister in Gryffindor tower. He spent the rest of the day feeling very happy, especially when both of his honeys dragged him off to the fourth floor and the broom closet that Sirius had mentioned a few months before hand. The extended space and the fold out bed gave them plenty of room to celebrate.

And Harry spent the rest of the year extra happy- because boobies!

* * *

Seriously though- boobies!

* * *

Unfortunately, Hermione Granger was not having nearly as good of a time. She'd lost half a stone while studying her brains out for the final exams, and she'd been so delirious that she'd been replaying the day when she had kissed Harry over and over again. It was making her work that much harder to focus on. If she failed something, she would have yet another thing to blame on the sexy scoundrel!

It couldn't just be that her hormones disagreed with her about what was most important in life.

Stupid hormones!

She'd had to take time out from her busy schedule to learn the silencing charm two years early so that she could relieve all her frustrations late at night without getting caught.

And listening to Parvati tell Lavender about all the fun things she did with Harry... well, she certainly wasn't jealous! It's not as if any of it fueled her fantasies either.

On top of all that, she'd been unable to help Hagrid with the case against Buckbeak that the Malfoys had instigated. Even after Harry had humiliated the little bastard, catching him in his lie, he'd whined to his father about it. Some money thrown around to the right people, and now an innocent animal was sentenced to die.

Hermione had tried everything she could think of, but when it came down to it, there was only one person that she knew could fix the problem. And if that meant she would just have to grin and bear it, forcing herself to be around Harry that much more, well...

It was just a sacrifice she would have to make.

She approached him late one evening when he was back in the common room. As usual, he was cuddled up with Parvati on a couch, and judging by her giggles, it was very unlikely that they were actually studying. No matter the Transfiguration final they had tomorrow- just what were they thinking? Didn't they know how important their marks were?

Hermione forced herself to put on a smile; even though she really didn't like the pretty Indian witch, being rude wouldn't help to save Buckbeak. "I am sorry to interrupt your... studying."

Parvati looked up and giggled as Harry whispered something in her ear. "Not right now, Harry! What can we do for you, Hermione?"

"I... um, I need your help. No, truly, I just need Harry's help." She was unable to contain her blush, but she continued anyway. "But I don't want you to think there is anything improper going on, so I suppose you should be involved too. Can we speak in private? Please?"

"Oh, alright," Parvati smiled. She got up and turned back to Harry with a wink. "Let's go up to your dorm."

"You tease," Harry snorted.

"His... his dorm?" Hermione sputtered, her face still very red.

"The other boys are all down here," Parvati shrugged. "Besides, I'm curious to see how the rumors will go if I'm not participating in them for once."

It took Hermione a moment to get her mind in order- and definitely not to think about Harry, or Harry's bed, or his expanded trunk where he apparently worked out...

Okay, it was a couple of minutes, and Parvati had to snap her fingers in front of her face to get her attention. "What's going on Granger?"

"Right, sorry," she muttered before taking a deep breath. "I need Harry to help me stop a great injustice. I suppose you both remember when Malfoy was playing as if he had been maimed by the hippogriff last fall? Well, the little snot went and whined to his daddy-"

"You mean his mum," Harry interjected with a scowl. "Luscious Malfoy- I knew she was bad news from the first time she tried flirting with me. I mean, I am awesome and buff and hot and all that, but I was just twelve at the time. I'm pretty sure that's illegal or something. What type of self-respecting lady of the night is she anyway?"

"That's enough, you goof," Parvati slapped his arm with a giggle. "Ignore the bonehead and get back to the point please, Hermione."

"Alright. In a few days, the ministry is sending an executioner to murder that innocent hippogriff. I need Harry's help to save it."

"Anyone that would slap the little albino brat around is good in my book," Harry said with a smirk. "Even one of Hagrid's monsters. Count me in."

"Why do you need Harry's help?" Parvati asked.

"He has an invisibility cloak," Hermione explained. "With that, and... well, can you keep a secret?"

"Sure dude," Harry shrugged.

"What type of secret?" Parvati grinned.

"I suppose you could tell your sister," Hermione sagged. "Just, not Lavender or anybody else, okay? Because Professor McGonagall would have my head."

"Deal," Parvati nodded.

"I have a time turner that I've been using to get to all my classes this year." She pulled the golden chain out that she'd been wearing like a necklace. "Harry and I can use his cloak to sneak down and rescue Buckbeak before he's killed. Then we can go back an hour and have a perfect alibi so no one will know that we had anything to do with it."

"Time travel?" Harry's eyes got really wide. "Awesome! I need to get one of those!"

Parvati groaned while Hermione gasped. "You can't tell anyone. You promised!"

"Yeah, fine, whatever," he waved off her concerns. "I guess you have to give it back before we go home for the summer right? I'll just ask McG if there's anything I can do next year to have more time. Between my awesome quidditch skills, working to keep these guns up to snuff, snogging my honeys, having cool weird stuff to do, and classes too I guess... well, seriously, I need one of those things."

He turned to Parvati with a smirk. "Just think of all the fun we could have babe!"

Parvati snorted and rolled her eyes. "I think we have plenty of fun anyway. And I'm pretty sure that Padma would never let you screw around with time travel just so we could have more time to spend in a broom closet."

"Then we haven't fully corrupted her yet," Harry shook his head sadly. "I'll have to work harder on that next year."

* * *

All told, it ended up being one of the easiest and least cool adventures Harry had ever had. He and Hermione had used the invisibility cloak to sneak down to Hagrid's hut. Around the back they found that Buckbeak was tied to a post. Shortly before sunset, the headmaster and a couple of ministry goons came down the path. One of them had this really huge axe, and Harry became very covetous.

Not that he knew what covetous meant, but he really wanted to steal that huge axe. It would have been great to use the next time he had to fight some enormous monster.

At the same time, Harry was once again muttering about the headmaster being evil, annoying Hermione to no end. She kept shushing him, but wasn't this just more proof of his villainy?

Once they got within sight though, the strangest thing happened. Dumbledore started rambling to the ministry dudes about a flock of geese that had stolen his favorite pair of socks and how this one cloud looked just like his favorite great aunt from when he was young. He even pointed to the cloud and got them all to turn their backs, leaving Harry plenty of time to coerce the hippogriff into the forest just in the nick of time.

A couple of minutes later, he heard angry shouting about the escape.

Harry just pulled Buckbeak a bit further into the trees and told him all about the evil family that had tried to have him whacked. Once Hermione ran back over to him and told him that the ministry people had left, with the headmaster saying something about how the huppogriff must have flown away, Harry's eyes lit up with glee.

"Harry?" Hermione took a step back. "What's that look for?"

"This is perfect," he muttered before leaning to whisper in Buckbeak's ear. "Here's how you get revenge..."

* * *

While the brave young human male had gone back to the castle, Buckbeak had flown south for many hours. His wings were tired, but in the end it would be worth it. The large manor house finally appeared under the light of the full moon, and sure enough, the rude wimpy human's family had peacocks strutting around the property.

Or as Buckbeak chose to see them- dinner. And he had worked up quite an appetite.

The next day, the severed peacock heads were all found littering the front steps. Luscious Malfoy had fainted when he saw them.

Buckbeak had even left behind a calling card- a blood stained talon print right in the middle of the front door.

* * *

Dumbledore awoke once again in a puddle of piss and vomit. This year really hadn't been too much fun. He'd been against that minister fellow with the wonderful lime green bowler hat on the subject of the Dementors, but he had been outvoted in the Wizengamot that day unfortunately. He never realized that his robes weren't accepted by his colleagues there; but then, how could the great Albus Dumbledore ever know that the enchanted images of men in leather chaps (and only leather chaps) would be found distasteful by so many old witches and wizards?

You'd almost think the old fuddy duddies were sexually repressed! The horror!

With that defeat, Dumbledore had become depressed, and when he accidentally encountered a couple of them one day in Hogsmeade just before the school year had started, he had begun the downward spiral that led him to that moment where he found himself once again befouled and clad only in a single holey sock.

"Get up, ya lousy drunk!"

Dumbledore knew that voice. "Aberforth?"

"Albus? Damn man, you look like shit." His younger brother stepped over and conjured a robe that he handed out. "What happened to you?"

"Do you remember when the Dementors were here?"

"Of course, the bloody things ruined business for a month or so before the idiots at the ministry recalled them. Why?" Aberforth replied.

"I ran into them, and they reminded me of that day..."

"Ariana," Abe sighed. "Yeah, those monsters made me remember that day too."

"You always were the stronger of us, little brother," Albus said as he staggered in through the back door of the Hog's Head. "I may have turned to an illicit substance or two in an effort to no longer be plagued by those memories. It seemed like a simple thing, just something to help take the nightmares away. However, it turns out that heroin is quite addictive. I believe I may need to visit St. Mungo's."

"You silly old fool." Aberforth shook his head and grabbed his wand. "Let me lock this place up and I'll take you there."

"Thank you."

While Albus wouldn't admit it out loud, the reason that he viewed that terrible day of almost a century ago so much worse than his brother was that he had lost not only his sister, but the freakiest boyfriend and lover imaginable. Gellert had been insatiable and imaginative, not to mention very well hung. And the things he could do with his tongue!

Oh, the pity! How could such a wonderful sexy beast turn evil?

Unfortunately, no one ever taught Albus Dumbledore the important lesson of 'don't stick your dick in crazy.' The fact that he himself was short a couple of marbles probably didn't help anything either.

* * *

The end of the school year saw McG having to preside over the leaving feast where she happily announced that Gryffindor had once again won the house cup. The headmaster was still in treatment for an undisclosed illness but would be returning for the the next term when everything would be getting back to normal.

Harry snorted at the idea of things ever really being 'normal' at Hogwarts.

"So, what are you doing this summer, Harry?"

Hermione had mostly gone back to her version of normal recently, and he was happy to see it. She'd even called him a ne'er-do-well after the Defense final exam, and he knew that she had been jealous of how he'd dealt with so many of the monsters. Harry was most proud of the body slam that he'd taken the kappa down with.

Of course, he had to ask Padma later what a ne'er-do-well was, and it didn't quite roll off the tongue, but it was nice to see that Granger still cared.

"What was that dude?"

"I asked what you were doing this summer," Hermione repeated before muttering under her breath about how he wouldn't stop calling her a dude. It made Harry smile before he could reply.

"Nothing much for the first week or two," he shrugged. "Sirius is still on his tour, but he's supposed to be back in time for my birthday, so that will be cool. I'll probably spend a lot of time at the gym, so I can make sure that I haven't gotten too out of shape while I've been stuck up here. I think I might give my owl a work out too."

"What do you mean?"

"I still haven't been able to convince McG to give me one of those time thingies."

Parvati snorted from her seat next to him. "Harry, you of all people really don't need something like that to let you get into even more mischief."

"Oh, come on, babe. You know that it would be awesome."

"Nope, sorry," Parvati teased him. "Padma has convinced me to try to be a slightly better influence on you, especially when she's not around."

"Fine," he huffed. "Can I still come over to visit?"

"Of course! Mum just loves you." Parvati started to blush. "I may or may not have told her some stories about you, and she's decided that you will do as a suitor for her daughters. Father, on the other hand, still doesn't like the idea of a boy for either of us."

"So, I should probably come over while your dad's busy with work?" Harry grinned. "Sounds good to me. Does your house have any broom closets?"

"Is that all you think about?"

"It's not _all_ that I think about," Harry argued even as a smile bloomed as he remembered getting to see his honeys topless. _Boobies!_

"But, I mean, yeah, I do think about it a lot," he then admitted.

"At least you're honest," Parvati giggled.

* * *

As the students rode back to London on the train, a thousand miles away there was a gathering of some of the darkest and deadliest creatures in the world. They had congregated just outside the prison, as there was no room inside that could fit them all.

The Dementors waited as the one they called Raziel stepped forward to speak. He didn't like the name, but there had been just too many of them that had wanted to be called some variation of Soul Eater or Soul Devourer or some other such nonsense and the head Dementor had an odd sense of humor, so the Almighty Steve had named them all after angels.

When Uriel asked why he got to keep the name Steve, the Almighty Dementor said because he wasn't so damn predictable like the rest of them. It had been a big argument, but Steve had been eating souls for more than two thousand years which made him the oldest and most powerful of them. His word became law because no one wanted to get on his bad side- especially not after Gabriel had tried to challenge him once about a century ago and he'd been beaten silly.

The Almighty Steve had celebrated his victory by farting directly in Gabriel's face.

Now, the gas produced by a Dementor would often be deadly to a mortal, but it merely smelled terrible to another Dementor. The bigger problem was that the odor became a lot stronger if one of them had recently fed- and Steve had 'kissed' a truly vile mortal just the day before. Not only had the man been a serial killer and child molester, but he'd also worked as a tax collector of all things. It was like the ultimate trinity of evil, and thus, the fart could literally peel paint. Gabriel had been left crying about the tax man for a decade afterwards.

Raziel, on the other hand, had been the one survivor from the ill advised trip to the train full of witches and wizards the year before. It had taken several months to get them all available to attend, but now he had asked to speak about what had happened.

"Friends, lend me your ears," he began.

"We don't have ears!"

"Shut up, Uriel," Raziel grumbled. "You know what I mean, you sarcastic jackass. Now, don't interrupt again because I have something important to talk about."

"Please continue," the Almighty Steve said.

"Thank you," Raziel nodded. "Several hundred years ago, there was a mortal who possessed a power we had not seen before. Some of you know of whom I speak, the dreaded one the eldest fear to speak of- _the Slayer_. That man was able to drive us from the continent, and he is the reason we now live here at this wonderfully depressing island."

"The prisoners do taste nice," one of them piped up.

"Yes, true, but I have a terrible warning to announce," Raziel said. "A new Slayer has come, a young wizard known as Potter who wields a terrifying blade. He is the one who destroyed our brother Metatron."

Hushed whispers broke out among the crowd.

"Potter should be known to you already," Steve added. "He was the miraculous child who stopped the wizards' Dark Lord several years ago."

"Who did what now?" Uriel asked.

"I've told you all to pay more attention to what the mortals do who guard this place," Steve bellowed. "They have those papers delivered every day, and there is plenty to learn from reading them."

"The crosswords are quite fun too," Raziel said.

"Yes, quite so," Steve nodded. "The point is that we must be wary of this new Slayer, this Potter. If that Voldie fellow comes back, we will not be listening to his nonsense, no matter how many muggle souls he might offer for joining with him."

"Muggles taste like shite anyway," Uriel said.

"Indeed," Steve said.

* * *

Unfortunately, while the Dementors were having their meeting, one certain prisoner woke up from a dream and remembered that he had an easy way to sneak out of his cell. A nasty little rat with a missing toe made a run for it while the coast was clear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Hope you've enjoyed the second half of year 3. I'm not sure how long year four will take me. Goblet of Fire is much bigger and I have a feeling I'm going to have to plan out year four a lot more than I've done so far.
> 
> Till next time!


	7. Year 4- We Are the Champions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I may or may not be JK Rowling and/or Jim Starlin. That's right- I bet you didn't know that Stan Lee didn't actually create every single Marvel character. ;)
> 
> Author's Note: It looks like year 4 will probably be at least 4 or so parts long, just because of how much stuff there is in Goblet of Fire for Beefcake Harry to screw up in his usual goofy way. Hope you all enjoy!

* * *

"It was a pretty mellow year, for the most part," Harry shrugged. "After I killed that skeletal dude on the train anyway."

"No great adventures?" Thanos asked.

"Not really. I guess maybe the thing with the hippogriff could sort of count, but it was really easy. Hermione had this time turner thing, so we just sneaked out, set him loose, then went back and had perfect alibis in case anyone tried to accuse us of stuff. We won at quidditch too, so that was cool."

"A time turner, you say?"

"Yeah, it was like a weird little clock that she wore like a necklace. Hermione's too much of a nerd though," Harry snorted. "She just used it to go to more classes. That's so fucking lame. Man, if I had one of those, I could train more and spend more time with my honeys."

"It is wise to remember to balance work and play," Thanos nodded. "How are your girls doing?"

"Pretty good. We're going on vacation next week. Sirius decided I needed a really great birthday for once, so he's taking us all to this private tropical island his family owns. I'm just glad his tour is done and he didn't end up in prison again. As for Padma and Parvati, well..." Harry blushed and started to grin. "I hope we can get some privacy from her parents, you know? I mean... this spring..." Harry smiled with a vacant look in his eyes. " _Boobies_."

Thanos chuckled. "Indeed, breasts are marvelous."

"Yeah," Harry said, still staring off into the distance.

"Well, I do have some news of my own," Thanos said, getting up and walking over to the safe where he kept the Infinity Gauntlet while he was busy running the gym. He carried it back over to his protege, who was finally brought out of his hormone induced delirium. "Behold, my newest acquisition- the Time Gem."

"Time... so it can do stuff like that time turner?"

"That and more."

"Is there any chance you could hook me up with one of those?" Harry asked. "More time would be frickin' sweet, you know?"

Thanos boomed out a deep, rumbling laugh. "I'll tell you what, young Harry. The next time you have a properly exciting adventure, I'll consider it. But, what of your new classes?"

"Eh, Care of Magical Creatures was pretty cool," he shrugged. "Hagrid's the teacher, and he's a cool dude. I also took Divination, which was kinda lame. Parvati likes it a lot, so that makes it more fun at least. But the teacher's this nutty old hippy looking chick and she seems like she's drunk or something half of the time."

"One should never take the realm of prophecy for granted," Thanos instructed. "It is one of the oldest, deepest, and most mysterious forms of magic in all the cosmos."

"So, like fortune telling is real?" Harry asked with disbelief written all over his face.

"Not always. Not even most of the time, but there are true prophets out there. Who knows?" Thanos got a speculative look in his eyes. "Maybe there has even been something of the sort that predicted your coming. You are the boy-who-lived, are you not?"

"I guess."

"Don't worry too much over it; things like that tend to work themselves out, one way or another." Thanos patted Harry on the shoulder and went to lock up his gauntlet once again. "I hope you enjoy yourself on this vacation you've got coming up. But before that, let's see if you can beat your previous record for deadlifting."

* * *

Priya Patil had been having a lovely summer so far. Her girls had blossomed into beautiful young women and seemed to be quite happy with their boyfriend, the one and only Harry Potter. The boy who lived hadn't been quite what she expected, and yet despite his occasionally strange behavior, it was clear that he adored her daughters. The fact that Harry had saved Padma's life at the end of their first year at Hogwarts definitely improved Priya's view of him, and the way he had killed a Dementor when it had threatened all three of them was another point in his favor.

She was still somewhat concerned about the twins sharing a boyfriend, but according to Padma, they needed each other's help to keep Harry from getting into too much trouble or doing too many ridiculously dangerous things. Considering he had faced off with a thousand year old basilisk, Priya had to admit she probably had a point.

Unfortunately, Chandra Patil was still not pleased about his daughters dating a boy. Priya had hoped he would have gotten used to it by now, but Harry was a far cry from 'a good, traditional boy from back home.' Priya knew that was likely some small part of the appeal of Harry, but her husband was much more conservative and out of touch with the girls.

All things considered, the time spent on this gorgeous tropical island was going well though. Priya had kept her husband busy so that he wouldn't complain too much about the three teenagers playing in the ocean together. With it being Harry's birthday, they had all enjoyed the wonderful meal and cake provided by a rather odd little house-elf named Dobby who clearly doted on Harry. His small, worn toga could have definitely used a cleaning, as Priya had wondered if it was actually blood on it or something that had been spilled in the kitchen.

But late at night, she heard a moaning that made her get out of bed. Her husband was a heavy sleeper, and in this case, Priya had an inkling that it was very much a good thing.

She crept out into the hall of the large old house they were staying in on the island. They were on the second floor of the north wing, and the girls were sharing a room just down the hall. And sure enough, that's where the moaning was coming from.

Priya rolled her eyes and left a sound dampening charm on the door to her bedroom. There was no way she wanted Chandra to get involved.

Creeping down the hall, she worried over how she should deal with this. They were fourteen now, so she wasn't too surprised by the behavior, although she would have preferred to not have the evidence so blatantly assaulting her ears. 'The burdens of being a mother to teenagers,' Priya thought with a sigh.

Quietly opening the door, she got visual confirmation, even if it was a lot more than she had anticipated. One of her daughters was lying on the bed with Harry's head between her legs- and very much enjoying herself judging by the sounds. Her other daughter was kneeling by the side of the bed and showing Harry an equally good time.

Priya shut the door, feeling her cheeks flush and her breath accelerating. 'Now what do I do?' she wondered. The twins' older brother had never caused trouble like this, and she was very happy that there weren't any younger siblings to deal with either. If she could just manage a few more years with her girls, hopefully without them giving her an ulcer, it would be a miracle.

"Oh, fuck yes!" Parvati cried out, breaking Priya's train of thought.

'Well, at least Harry has some idea what he's doing,' she thought, stifling her inclination to giggle. 'Stop it, I have to be serious so that I can handle this.'

A groan from Harry a moment later and her mind was made up. Priya knocked at the door. "I'm giving you thirty seconds to cover yourselves and then I'm coming in there."

Counting out those thirty seconds was enough for Priya to get her thoughts under control. It was also more than a little nerve wracking. Prying the door open, she peered inside. All three of them were sitting in bed, with the covers pulled up over their waists, and she forced herself not to consider if they had bothered to get fully dressed.

At least her girls were blushing up a storm, looking thoroughly mortified at getting caught. Harry, on the other hand, was grinning like he'd won the lottery.

"Having fun, are we?" she asked.

"Well, not at the moment," he shrugged.

"Harry!" Padma hissed, smacking him on the arm. "Now is not the time for being sarcastic!"

"Sorry," he mumbled, although he couldn't stop smiling.

"You're lucky we put up with you," Padma scowled. Parvati just sighed and leaned against his right side while Harry wrapped his arm around her.

"I hope you know that my daughter is right, Mr. Potter," Priya added. "Any boy would be very lucky to date either of my girls, let alone both of them."

"I know," he agreed. "They're the best."

"I have four questions," she said. "First of all, is he treating you right?"

"Of course," Parvati replied while Padma added, "Yes mum."

"Good," she nodded at her girls. "And Harry hasn't pressured you into anything either?"

"No."

Harry snorted. "It was their idea."

Padma covered her face in her hands and Parvati slapped his chest and hissed at him. "Our _mother_ does not need to know that, you moron!"

"Uh, sorry?"

"Yes, well, let's try to keep any unneeded information to ourselves, shall we?" Priya continued, trying to keep a straight face. "Next question, from what I saw earlier, I am hopeful that you have not yet gotten to actual intercourse, correct?"

"No, mum," Parvati answered.

"Good." Priya was going to have a much longer conversation with the girls about that soon, but she would wait until it was just the three of them. "Finally, why didn't you use a Silencing Charm?"

Padma gasped and looked up at her, while Parvati started to smile.

"We are thousands of miles from home, so there's no reason to worry about being caught for underage magic," Priya grinned slightly. "I hope you all know how much worse this would have been if your father was the one that heard what was going on."

Parvati gulped and nodded while Padma mumbled, "Yes mum."

"Good, then let's keep it that way," Priya nodded and then turned to leave. "Because if you are foolish enough to be caught by my husband, I will do nothing to help. Understand?"

"Yes mum," both girls replied.

"Excellent." Before she stepped outside, Priya focused on Harry with a glare. "If you hurt my girls, I will make sure that you are the last Potter. Got it?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good night," Priya said. She winked, and just before she closed the door, she said, "Happy birthday, Harry."

She heard all three of them let out their breaths and waited for a moment before going back to bed.

"Your mum is really cool," Harry chuckled.

"Yes, but she was right though," Padma said. "Our father would have freaked out if he found us like this."

"You heard mum, sis," Parvati added. "We'll just have to make sure he doesn't catch us."

"Let me get my wand, and I'll do the Silencing Charm," Padma said.

"I don't have to sneak back to my room, then?"

"I haven't had my turn yet," Padma giggled. "So don't even think about it."

As the sounds from the bedroom ceased, Priya laughed to herself. 'Crisis mostly solved.' Now she would just have to make sure that she had a very long discussion with the twins when they got home. And she would make sure they both knew the Contraceptive Charm like the back of their hands before she let them head back to Hogwarts. There was no way she was going to become a grandmother before she hit forty.

* * *

"Are you really going to make me practice that spell every single day?" Harry whined as they walked through the grounds full of tents surrounding the Quidditch World Cup stadium.

Sirius just laughed. "Of course. Don't you think there's a reason that there aren't any little Sirius juniors running around?"

"Yeah, but I can do it already."

"Practice makes perfect," Sirius grinned. "Besides, I'm pretty sure that if you knock one of those girls up (or Merlin forbid, _both of them_ ) when you're this young, then your mum is going to figure out how to come back from the dead so she can skin me alive. No thank you! I might not know everything about being a godfather, but no kids when you're still in school is an easy enough lesson that I should be able to handle it."

"Fine," Harry huffed. "But we haven't even gotten to that yet."

"One day you will, and you have to be prepared. I don't want to be a god-grandfather any time soon."

"Is that even a thing?"

"It is now," Sirius replied.

"Whatever, dude."

"This is all your fault, you know," Sirius grinned at his scowling godson. "If Priya hadn't caught the three of you, I would likely be less strict. But that showed poor planning on your part, Harry. And poor planning can lead to little accidents that stick around for the rest of your life."

"Yeah, bro, I get it," Harry said. "I'm not ready to be a dad, duh."

"Good, and don't you forget it," Sirius nodded. "Plus, remember the rest of that lesson. Cast it every day at the same time so that you get in the habit and never, ever forget."

"Yeah, dude, whatever. I'll do it at breakfast then."

"Why breakfast?" Sirius asked.

"It's the most important meal of the day," Harry said. "Gotta get enough food to keep your energy up and your uh... metabolism, something, something..."

"Metabolism?"

"I don't know all the big science-y stuff, I just remember what the Thicc Daddy taught me," Harry shrugged.

"Fair enough," Sirius answered, holding back his grin. He could just imagine the reaction to Harry casting a Contraceptive Charm in the middle of the Great Hall. If only he could be there to watch, but sometimes you just had to let a good prank go and hope to hear about the results later. Still, he was going to have to tell Remus about this later.

"Oh crap," Harry muttered, stepping behind Sirius. "I need a Notice-Me-Not Charm, immediately."

"Why?"

"See all those gingers?"

Along the path they were on, sure enough there was a family full of redheads. Sirius nodded and replied. "Sure, what about them?"

"That's the Weasleys."

"Enemies of yours?" Sirius asked, not remembering any stories of such a thing.

"No, I don't hate them or anything," Harry answered. "But the youngest is this girl Ginny, and she is like obsessed with me. I don't want to deal with that without Parvati here to run her off."

"It's too bad the girls weren't interested in coming with us. But why just Parvati?"

"Ginny's in Gryffindor with us, and Parvati likes to defend her territory," Harry grinned. "Have you ever had girls get in a catfight over you? It's totally hot! I swear, the next time she does that, I'll have to reward Parvati with... um, never mind."

Chuckling at his blushing godson, Sirius relented and cast a spell to help Harry not stick out so they could escape the Weasley family. "Reward her with what, exactly?"

"I don't think I'm supposed to talk about stuff like that."

"Come on, Harry," Sirius smirked. "I will get it out of you one way or another. You know, James and I used to talk about stuff like that all the time. I could always tell you about the things your parents did when they were young."

"No! I'll talk!"

Sirius just laughed. "Alright then- so, reward her with what?"

"Okay, like did I tell you about being a parselmouth?"

"I think you mentioned something about it. Why?"

"Apparently, in India, it is a much sought after skill. There's lots of snakes there, I guess?" Harry shrugged, then blushed again. "But, um, Parvati knew about another reason why... and it turns out that if you hiss just right while... you know, going down on a girl... then it's really great or something."

Sirius howled with laughter. "No wonder you've got two pretty girls, you bloody, little prat."

"Dude, I'm bigger than you," Harry protested. And after his most recent growth spurt, he was just a smidge taller than Sirius. Of course, he outweighed his slender godfather by quite a lot too.

"I'm just saying, now I can totally see why they're willing to share you." Sirius wiped a tear and tried to stop laughing. "Oh man, you are living the dream, Harry. Don't blow it with those girls."

"Why would I do that? They're my honeys."

"Normally, I would not be in favor of you settling for the first girl that catches your eye," Sirius shook his head while still grinning. "Your dad was crazy like that too, you know? But for pretty little identical twins, rules can be broken." He took a deep breath and looked back at Harry. "But, do you love them?"

Harry scowled. "We're not supposed to talk about mushy stuff like that."

"Girls love mushy stuff like that," Sirius scolded him. "You need to be able to tell them just how much they mean to you, especially with your relationship getting more serious. Not just physically, because that's obvious, but those girls will expect you to show your appreciation. A girl's first time is supposed to be special, and if you don't treat them right, there will be hell to pay, Harry. This is one of those occasions where you should learn from this old dog's mistakes and take my advice. Do something above and beyond whenever you take that step."

"Yeah, fine, whatever," Harry grumbled. "Look, can we just talk about... fart jokes or something? Besides, don't we need to get to our seats soon?"

"We're almost there. See that orange post? Up those stairs is where we're headed."

Seeing him nod, Sirius let them walk in silence for a minute. He wanted to make sure that this talk sunk in; Priya Patil had been more than a little scary when she had told him that they needed to talk about Harry and the girls. Sirius didn't like being serious like that, especially not when the foxy woman he was talking to was off limits, but the fact that she was convinced that she was going to be Harry's mother in law someday in the future was extra terrifying.

To be fair, she may have had a point. Harry had been dating the twins ever since that first train ride to Hogwarts three years prior. It was not something that Sirius could really understand- monogamy and commitment both sounded like dirty words to his ears- but his godson was definitely happy, so it was just something he was going to have to get used to.

Still, no woman would ever tie down Sirius Black!

Unfortunately, his ruminations were broken by seeing one of his cousins and her awful family. And even worse, they were heading for the same stairway. Oh well, at least Harry should make this funny even if Sirius should probably try to remain polite. "Hello, Cissy."

"Sirius," Narcissa Malfoy nodded slightly at him.

"Damn, Draco! Your other mum is even hotter!"

Sirius chortled but kept himself mostly in control. Harry really was the best.

"You shut up about my mum!" Draco yelled.

"Which one?" Harry asked.

Even Narcissa seemed mildly amused. "Draco, remember your manners. Now, do be a dear and offer a proper introduction."

Draco sulked and Sirius kept on grinning. "This is my mother, Narcissa Malfoy, and _my father_ , Lucius Malfoy. Mother, this is Harry Potter, the so-called boy who lived."

"We've already met," Luscious hissed. Harry focused only on the prettier woman instead of the creepy lady of the night.

"Yes, I do seem to have heard about him before," Narcissa smirked. "Wasn't he also the young man who killed a basilisk, as well as being the first known slayer of a Dementor? You have my thanks for that, Mr. Potter. Those dreadful things should be wiped out."

"It was no big deal," Harry replied, taking her hand and lightly kissing just above the knuckles. "Whatever it takes to bring a smile to such a beautiful woman. And please, call me Harry."

Narcissa laughed. "So charming! Wherever did you learn such a thing? I know it can't have been with my slovenly cousin."

"You two are cousins?" he asked. "Wow, Sirius. You really sold your family short when you were talking about them."

"We didn't get along."

"That's putting it mildly," Narcissa added with a smirk aimed at Sirius.

"We need to get to our seats," Draco whined. "The match is about to start."

"Why don't you two go ahead then," Narcissa suggested.

"But-"

"I'm sure cousin Sirius can escort me once we've had a few moments to catch up," she said. "Or perhaps the gallant young Harry could do so?"

"Of course, it would be my pleasure," Harry agreed.

"Don't be late," Luscious said with a glare.

"Don't worry so much, darling," Narcissa said as she patted her on the hand and waved the other two Malfoys off. Once they were out of ear shot, she turned back to Harry. "Now, what's this about Draco having two mothers?"

"Well, I don't want to insult your choice in a wife," Harry began with a small grimace. "But Luscious has kinda flirted with me in the past. I mean, you must know the way she saunters around and gets all pouty and stuff. Plus, every time I've seen her, she's done that hair flip thing that girls do, and my honeys taught me that it's a sign that the girl is interested in me. And on top of that, Draco's always going on about how she works with rich wizards, and, I don't know, I wouldn't think he should be so proud of a mum that makes her money like that.

"Anyway, I just hope, for your sake, that Luscious hasn't given you a bad reputation."

"Or anything else," Sirius interjected with a snort, earning a glare from his dear cousin Cissy.

"I'll make sure that my spouse hasn't brought anything home that could negatively affect me," she replied with a smirk. "And I do know what you mean about _Luscious'_ hair."

"Well, I've never been into blondes," Harry shrugged. "Or older ladies, for that matter." He grinned and then winked at her. "Of course, you might make me change my mind."

Narcissa laughed softly. "You may be cute, Harry, but it would take more than that to interest me."

"Could I start by properly escorting you to your seat?" he asked, holding out an arm.

"I suppose you should prove yourself a gentleman," she agreed. "Sirius, it was lovely to see you."

"Harry-"

"Yeah, I'll find you in a little bit."

* * *

Sirius was waiting a few minutes later when Harry returned. "What was that all about with Narcissa? Do I need to have a talk with the girls?"

"Dude, that was nothing," Harry laughed. "But can you imagine how much fun it's going to be giving Draco a hard time about his other, hotter mum this year? Trash talking that little snot in quidditch can't come soon enough. Plus, Luscious is a skank, and getting in a dig with her wife's help was brilliant."

Sirius snorted. "Just be somewhat careful with _Luscious_ in the future. Bastard was a Death Eater back in the day, so don't take... _her_ for granted, alright?"

"Yeah, no problem." Harry scratched his head. "Maybe I can talk McG into giving me some more private lessons for that stuff this year. You know, I've got my sword, but that's only good for up close fighting. Learning more ranged attacks would be cool. I'm still bummed that you wouldn't let me wear my sword here."

"It's safe back in the tent with Dobby," Sirius said. "Besides, we've got people high up in the ministry nearby, and they tend to frown on people walking around with weapons like that."

"Dude, we all walk around with wands," Harry pointed out. "They're deadly weapons."

"I never said wizards had common sense," Sirius snorted. "Besides, I try my best to be as nonsensical as possible. So, don't make me ruin my reputation by being serious."

Harry rolled his eyes at the expected name pun. "You're a serious bastard."

"And proud of it!" Sirius grinned. There was a roar from the crowd. "It's going to start soon."

Harry stepped forward to the rail and looked down at the field, where he saw a group of incredibly beautiful women, all of them blonde, tall, and with the curves to make even swimsuit models envious. "Woah!"

"Woah is right," Sirius agreed with a sigh. "What I wouldn't give for a chance with a Veela."

"What's a Veela?"

"Those sexy babes."

"But, aren't they-"

"Just watch, Harry."

But how could watching ever be enough? The way they danced, their bodies undulating, and all that perfection on display made Harry want to fly down there and do whatever it would take to be worthy of such goddesses. Next to him, Sirius' tongue was wagging, even in human form.

Within a few seconds, much of the crowd was similarly entranced, the spell of the gorgeous women only breaking when a group of rowdy leprechauns charged the field. The Veela responded by shifting forms, turning into large bird-like humans, complete with wings, feathers, wicked looking talons... and balls of flame that they hurled at the little people.

"Still hot," Harry insisted with a groan.

"Yeah, I'd bang one, even if it would be hard to kiss a bird who was that much of a bird," Sirius nodded while watching the scuffle quickly subside.

"I guess I'm rooting for the Bulgarians then."

"Me too, Harry. Me too."

* * *

It was a couple of hours later, and they were back at the tent with a few witches and members of the Hobgoblins who were passing a bottle around. One of them offered it to Harry who shook his head.

"Come on lad, it'll put hair on your chest."

"No thanks."

"Don't be lame, Harry," Sirius teased.

"Screw you, bro. I remember the last time you tricked me into drinking tequila!" Harry grumbled. "Never again."

"Wuss," his godfather snorted as he took a swig and then passed it on.

Unfortunately, the festivities were broken up by screams coming from outside. Harry grabbed his sword and fled the tent, eager to find some new form of adventure. Sirius hurried and stumbled after him. "What's going on? Oh shit!"

Coming their way was a group of wizards dressed all in hooded black robes, with masks covering their faces. Sirius couldn't believe these Death Eater scumbags decided to ruin a good party like that.

"Who are they?" Harry asked.

"Fucking Death Eaters," Sirius growled.

"Cool," Harry nodded. "I haven't had a chance to deal with any bad guys in awhile."

He ran towards the terrorists, and Sirius was briefly too shocked to stop him. "Come back here, you little maniac!"

Padfoot made an appearance, as it seemed likely the only way he could catch up with his godson. Just as they reached the men in black, Harry drew his sword and let out what could only be called a battle cry. "There can be only one!"

The grim bounded into the middle of the group after Harry, who had already slashed a couple of the stunned Death Eaters. Sirius barked and bit down on one of them. 'Ha! Serves the bastards right, to actually have someone bring the violence to them for a change.'

One of the Death Eaters responded with a killing curse, but in close quarters, he learned how that could be a bad idea. Harry had just nearly beheaded one of his colleagues and was in the process of spinning around to find a new target as the green light hit the terrorist right behind him.

Panic ensued as most of the Death Eaters scrambled for portkeys or apparated away. One of them left behind his wand and most of an arm. Three were already dead and four more were wounded.

"Oof!" Harry grunted as he caught the youngest of the four muggles that the Death Eaters had been spinning high in the air.

The little girl looked up and smiled at him despite the bit of blood splashed on his chin. "Did you really kill the bad guys with your sword?"

"Of course," he grinned. "That's what heroes do, right?"

"Uh huh," she nodded.

"What in the name of Merlin!"

Harry and his passenger turned to see a ministry official rushing forward, sputtering at the carnage all around them.

* * *

_**Boy Who Lived Saves the Day!** _

_By Rita Skeeter_

_Once again, Harry Potter has triumphed over evil. That's right ladies and gentlemen, our brave national hero came upon a crowd of people dressed as Death Eaters (some reports say as many as one hundred of them, if you can believe that!) and he fearlessly tread into the midst of them bearing the fabled sword of Godric Gryffindor himself._

_He is personally credited with defeating half a dozen of them, although in the chaos of things, most of the terrorists fled before the aurors could arrive._

_Not only that, but he also saved a young girl who had been tormented by the Death Eaters, catching her when she fell from a great height. I'm sure many witches out there probably wish they could have found themselves in his arms after the battle was over. Mr. Potter is definitely a treasure._

_Questions must be asked though:_

_Where were the aurors?_

_Why didn't such an enormous international event have proper security?_

_How deep does the corruption go?_

_That last one is brought even further to mind when one of those Harry Potter felled turned out to be Walden Macnair, formerly of the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures. Any question of Macnair's guilt was quickly brushed aside by the infamous Dark Mark tattoo on his forearm. A killer walked among the ministry for the many years since the fall of you know who. Because of that fact, one more question must be asked._

_How many others might there be?_

Parvati sighed as she left the paper to her sister. Padma kept muttering to herself, "he must be insane" as she read further. Parvati was just happy that everything had gone alright.

And she was definitely going to frame that cover photo of Harry with his sword in hand and his other arm around the young muggle girl.

* * *

Harry happily stowed their trunks as they got on the train going back to Hogwarts for another year. He'd had a fun summer, but he was glad to be back with his honeys. Padma seemed pretty quiet for some reason though.

Turning around, Parvati smiled at him and pecked him on the cheek, then headed for the door. "I'm going to go catch up with Lavender for some girl talk. You need to sit down and let Padma yell at you for a bit."

"Huh?" Harry scratched his head and sat down.

Padma stood up, used her wand to close and lock the door, and then fired a silencing charm at it. She turned back to him with a glare. "YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!"

"What? Oh, the thing at the World Cup? That was no big deal," Harry shrugged. "Just a few bad guys that didn't know how to fight."

"Are you completely insane?" Padma yelled. "Those were Death Eaters! Blood thirsty psychopathic killers! And you attacked them with that bloody sword!"

"My sword is awesome," Harry grinned. "It's apparently got some sort of one hit kill ability too. Which is sort of cheap, but then again, so is the killing curse, usually, so I figure that evens things out."

"What is wrong with you?" Padma replied. "Did you not hear me when I said that you could have been killed?"

"Babe, it's alright," Harry stood up and pulled her into a hug. Padma stiffened at first but then returned the embrace, squeezing him tighter than she usually did. "I'm not gonna let some two bit evil wizard douchebags beat me in a fight. Besides, we won, and this means if they ever try to pull some of that sort of crap again, there'll be less of them around to cause trouble."

"It only takes one lucky shot, and you could die, Harry."

"You're not getting rid of me that easy," he teased. "Sirius did bug me about coming up with a better battle cry, though, so maybe you can help me with that."

Padma's breath hitched, and Harry was worried for a second that she was crying, but then he heard her start to giggle. "You really are incorrigible." She sighed and shook her head. "Alright, fine, let's sit down and you can tell me all about this battle cry thing."

Harry nodded and Padma curled up on the seat next to him. Judging by how close she was, he guessed that she was feeling more needy than usual, so he slung his arm around her and tried to help her relax. "Right, so what I used was 'There can be only one.' From Highlander, you know?"

"No, I don't. What is the highlander?"

"It's this awesome movie about immortal dudes who fight with swords," Harry said with a smile. "It's got Sean Connery- you know, James Bond, right? Only he's supposed to be playing a Spanish guy, but he still sounded kinda Scottish to me. The main guy is the Highlander, because he's from Scotland, and all of them are trying to be the last immortal. But the only way they can be killed is if they cut off their heads, and then they say, 'There can be only one.' There's also this bad guy, this huge badass dude called the Kurgan. He has this line that I was going to use where he says, 'Tonight you sleep in hell,' which is pretty hardcore, you know?

"But the thing is, right after he kills a dude and says that, he also rapes the main guy's wife." Harry grimaced and shook his head. "That's really, really not cool. So, I couldn't use one of his lines after that. But Sirius says I need to come up with something better."

"Why would you be so set on using something from a movie about immortal swordsmen anyway?"

"I mean, maybe I am immortal," Harry said with a smirk.

"Don't be ridiculous," Padma scoffed.

"No, I mean, think about it for a minute. I'm the only person to ever survive the killing curse, right? And I survived basilisk venom, which is supposed to be able to kill someone almost instantly. On top of that, last year I killed that Dementor thing, which was also supposed to be impossible. Maybe I'm just too cool to die."

Padma slapped his chest and then leaned back to look him in the eye. "Don't go thinking something as crazy and dangerous as that, Harry. You'll only get yourself killed, and then Parvati and I will have to find some other guys to drag off to broom closets. You wouldn't like that, now would you?"

"Don't worry, babe," Harry chuckled. "I'm not going anywhere."

"You promise?" she asked in a quiet, worried voice.

"Hey," he leaned down and kissed her. "I promise."

* * *

It took quite a lot of snogging for Harry to get Padma in a good mood- and the promise that he would later use his special tongue on her as soon as possible- but by the time Parvati had returned, things were mostly back to normal.

That lasted until the announcements at the Opening Feast.

First, the Evil Headmaster of Doom canceled quidditch. Harry was the first to stand and protest. "You can't cancel quidditch! This place will be boring as hell without the one sport you let us play. You suck Dumbledore!"

There were a few gasps at Harry's proclamation while McG covered her face and sighed. The twinkly-eyed wonder only smiled though. "Why yes, I do, Mr. Potter. And I've been told I'm quite good at it in the past, if I do say so myself. However, unfortunately, we will have something else going on this year to preclude quidditch, that being the return of the Triwizard Tournament.

"Next month, we will have guests from the schools of Beauxbatons and Durmstrang who will be joining us for this prestigious event," Dumbledore continued. "One champion from each school will be selected to compete in trials that will test their bravery, intelligence, hard work, and cunning. I'm sorry to say that we just won't have the time to schedule a quidditch season with the tournament going on.

"And one final note-"

The door to the Great Hall banged open and a grizzled older man stomped in, with one magical bright blue eye spinning wildly. Harry sat down while he watched the new dude make his way towards the staff table.

"I would like to announce the arrival of our new Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor, the one and only Alastor Moody."

Harry leaned in to whisper in Parvati's ear. "Hey babe, I got a question for you. Chicks dig scars, right?"

She rolled her eyes and turned to him. "I don't and most of the girls I know don't. So, no."

"But what about this?" he asked, pointing to his famous lightning bolt. "I know chicks dig me."

"It's not because that thing makes you hotter, you doofus," she giggled. "Your muscles are a much bigger factor. Those big, emerald eyes of yours are quite lovely too."

"Hey, babe, I'm a dude," he scowled. "Nothing about me is supposed to be called _lovely_."

"Why are you bringing this up, you weirdo?" Parvati teased him while shaking her head and grinning.

"I'm just thinking that maybe McG might be interested in the new dude," he shrugged.

She snorted. "Why don't you go right ahead and find out?"

"I think I will," he nodded.

* * *

"Mr. Potter, please sit down," McG said with a sigh. "Not even a full week has gone by, and yet, here you are."

"I missed you too, McG," he smiled.

"While I am not too surprised that you have once again struck a teacher in class, I am shocked to see that it was Alastor Moody," she continued.

"I haven't had Potions yet," Harry shrugged.

"Yes, quite," she narrowed her eyes at him.

"So, I got a question for you," he interjected. "Chicks dig scars, right?"

"I- what?"

"Well, you know that last year I couldn't try to hook you up with anybody, since the only new guy was Lupin and I think we all know that he's a pedophile."

"Remus Lupin is not a pedophile," she hissed.

Harry snorted. "Uh, huh, sure. And yet, Sirius has threatened to castrate him if he tries to use that pitiful, 'I'm a werewolf, oh woe is me' act on Tonks. I don't know, I can't really see why chicks would fall for that sort of thing. He seems like a mopey wuss to me, but Sirius claims that it has worked in the past."

"Dear Merlin," McG sighed. "Harry, stop trying to get us off track here. Now, why exactly did you feel the need to punch Professor Moody in the face?"

"He was asking for it," he shrugged.

"Elaborate, Harry, before I have you in detention for the next month."

He knew that she wouldn't really follow through on that threat, but he wanted her in a good mood, so Harry did as she asked. "You know the lesson about the Imperius Curse, right? How Mad-Eye was going to put us all under it to see what it was like?"

"Yes, although I protested the idea, I was outvoted."

"Well, I was able to completely throw the curse off-"

"That shouldn't be possible," McG gasped. "You may be more skilled and powerful than most your age, but very few people are ever able to successfully defend against that curse."

"I mean, I did, so..." Harry shrugged. "And this is me we're talking about. I do cool amazing stuff all the time. Remember the basilisk?"

McG sighed again. "Unfortunately, yes, I remember that all too clearly. But why did you feel the need to hit Alastor?"

"He was trying to make me do stuff with that curse. Nobody tells me what to do," Harry grumbled. "Plus, he made my honey dance around, and let me tell you, I had no idea she could move her hips that way. Whoa," he grinned widely, making McG roll her eyes. "But the thing was, all the little pervs were staring at Parvati, and that made me want to hit someone, so Mad-Eye got the fist."

"Yes, and I believe you knocked out one of his teeth while shouting-"

"Teeth are a privilege!" Harry smiled. "Damn straight!"

"Harry..." she sighed again. "Unbelievably, Alastor has not asked for you to be punished in any way."

"He seemed like a cool dude, for the most part," Harry nodded.

"Well, that 'cool dude' has instead requested being allowed to use you as a class assistant at times."

"Really?"

"Yes," she said with her jaw clenched. "Severus and Sybil were both pleased to let you out of their classes for the next week. Binns didn't care, of course, while Hagrid and Pomona have agreed that it will be for the best, assuming you can make up any assignments for them. Therefore, you will be joining Alastor during those time periods so that you can help him display the proper way to fight against that awful curse."

"That sounds okay," he shrugged.

"On another topic," she interjected, "I have had a number of complaints about you casting spells during breakfast, or one specific spell at least."

"Huh?"

"The... Contraceptive Charm," she added with a glare. "It is highly inappropriate for you to be casting such a spell in the Great Hall."

"Why?"

"Harry, please do not make me spell it out for you," she sighed. "Unless you would like to start explaining exactly what it is and what it does to the first years."

"Oh, alright," he shrugged. "Sirius told me I should get in the habit of casting it at the same time everyday so that I wouldn't forget."

"Is it... necessary for you to be using that spell?"

"He told me it was."

"I never like having this sort of conversation with students," McG muttered. "Do I need to speak with miss Patil? Either of them, for that matter, as I doubt Filius would want to have to do so?"

"Huh?" Harry scratched his head. "Oh, no, um, I think their mum talked to them about stuff. They didn't want to tell me what she said, so I just went along with whatever."

"I suppose I should double check, but otherwise, we can move off this topic," she said. "For the most part, I am glad that you are being responsible about such matters. We haven't had any pregnancies at Hogwarts in over twenty years, and I would like to keep it that way."

"Alright," he shrugged. "But, you got me off track about my original question. Do chicks dig scars?"

"Why do you ask?" she replied with a glare.

"Mad-Eye has obviously seen battle, which makes him pretty tough at least. And I wouldn't want to try to set you up with some soft little wuss. So, what do you think?"

McG banged her head against her desk.

"Are you alright, McG?"

She looked up with a small red spot on her forehead. "Harry, before you drive me to drinking, for the love of Merlin, please stop trying to find a wizard for me."

Shoulders slumping, Harry sighed. "Fine."

"Thank you," she replied with a small nod. "Now, get out of here you little scamp!"

"Love you too, McG!" he smirked as he dodged the stinging hex that hit right next to the door as he fled her office.

A wicked grin came over his face as he walked off.

"Right, so wizards are out. That means, I need to find a bad ass older witch instead."

* * *

A shiver went down Minerva's back. She wasn't sure why, but she just knew it had something to do with Harry Potter.

* * *

"Harry, why are you being so stupid again?" Padma asked as they waited outside for the other two schools to arrive.

"What are you talking about babe?"

"It is barely above freezing."

"Yeah. So?"

Parvati snorted from the other side of him and leaned in closer. He had his arms around both his honeys.

"Explain why you felt the need to once again remove your shirt sleeves."

"For the gun show," he shrugged. He held back his 'duh' because he knew that she would punish him with less broom closet time. It was a close thing though.

"And why do you need to bring out 'the gun show' for people from the other schools? Are you trying to impress someone?"

"Yeah, of course. I always gotta remind people who the top dog is around here," he replied then turned and winked at her. "Plus, I gotta make sure none of these foreign wizard dudes get any ideas about my honeys."

He added a little squeeze to that last remark and Parvati giggled. Padma merely sighed. "You shouldn't be encouraging him, sis."

"But I like it when Harry protects me from nasty foreign wizards," Parvati grinned unrepentantly.

"Sometimes, I don't know know why I put up with you two," Padma frowned.

"I think its because of how I-"

Padma quickly covered his mouth before he could say anything too embarrassing. Unfortunately, this only made her sister laugh harder.

"I could list a few reasons," Parvati suggested with a smirk.

"Hush you," Padma hissed. "I'm just glad I remembered the warming charm. Not all of us are barbaric neaderthals."

Harry turned to Parvati. "Is she talking about me?"

"I think so."

"Cool," he nodded. "I don't think anyone has ever called me a barbarian before. You know what that makes me?"

"What?"

"One step closer to Conan."

Padma snorted. "Are you saying you want to wear a loin cloth?"

"I'd pay to see that," Lavender mumbled before blushing next to them.

"Me too," Parvati giggled at her best friend's slip of the tongue.

"You're on babe, just as soon as I can talk you into dressing up like princess Leia at the same time," Harry chuckled.

A moment later their conversation was cut off as an enormous carriage flew in being carried by a team of winged horses. This turned out to be the delegation from Beauxbatons, led by a woman the size of Hagrid. Well, maybe he could try to hook up the big dude with this French chick.

And speaking of French chicks, they were dressed in these tasty little pale blue uniforms that put the drab robes of Hogwarts to shame- and the eyes of all the young men of Hogwarts greatly approved of the show. Harry would later learn that there were a few guys from there too, but he honestly didn't notice them at all.

Not when a goddess was leading the crowd of babes strutting past him.

"Whoa," he muttered.

"Harry?" Parvati asked, poking him as his mouth was still open.

"That chick's a Veela."

Padma snorted. "Right. Good excuse for your drool, huh?"

He wiped at his mouth and frowned at her. "I wasn't drooling, babe. Besides, I've felt their Veela juju before. Trust me, that chick is a Veela."

Parvati sighed and snuggled closer to him. "We can make fun of Harry for that later. I just hope the Durmstrang people get here soon. I'm getting hungry."

She wouldn't have to wait too long though, as a few minutes later a ship appeared in middle of the lake, rising from below the surface. Harry scratched his head and wondered about that. "I didn't know there were like 'turn boat into submarine' types of spells. That's pretty cool."

Other people like Jon Weasley were more impressed by one of their students though. This awkward, scowling guy named Crumb that was apparently a quidditch player- but Harry's focus at the World Cup had been tied up completely by the Veela cheerleaders, so he hadn't paid attention to the game.

* * *

Harry's good day was ruined by the Evil Headmaster of Doom, who announced that he would be drawing an age line around the Goblet of Fire and only those who were seventeen or older would therefore be able to compete.

Parvati noticed his mood. "You wanted to be in the tournament, didn't you?"

"Of course I did," Harry replied. "It sounds awesome. Just imagine, fighting monsters and stuff, once again proving how bad ass I am, it would have been a blast. But no, mister "I take fashion advice from drunk hobos" has to go and cockblock me. Bastard."

His girlfriend was giggling next to him and decided to not worry anymore about Harry's grumpy muttering.

The next day, he almost thought he saw a way in. The Weasley twins decided to try some aging potion to get past the line- and if it worked, Harry was going to follow in their footsteps. But alas, Dumbledore's age line chucked them out.

Padma refused to help Harry come up with any other ideas about how to get his name in the goblet, no matter how much he begged, pleaded, and pouted at her.

For some reason, she thought keeping him safe from harm was more important.

He was still grumbling after dinner, when the champions for each school were chosen. Parvati ignored him and chatted with Lavender.

Meanwhile, those who did get picked were the French Veela babe, the Crumb quidditch guy, and this Hufflepuff pretty boy called Diggler or Didgeridoo or something. Harry was slumping in his seat and scowling at how unfair the whole damn thing was.

There were a couple of gasps that made him look up just as the headmaster caught another piece of parchment and stared at it for a moment. He cleared his throat and called out, "Harry Potter."

"AWESOME!"


End file.
